If the recent-ish press tour for Avengers: Age of Ultron has taught us anything, it’s that sometimes stupid word-based shit falls from the mouths of famous types. So in anticipation of becoming the newest inductee into the “I wish I hadn’t said that” club, America’s current sweetheart Chris Pratt has gone ahead and pre-apologized for all of the dumb stuff he’ll probably end up saying during the upcoming press tour for Jurassic World. Well, at least he’s thinking ahead.
The former #2 spot on my Snuggly Pillow Bodies I Would list (he’s since moved to the #4 spot on my Buff DILFs list) threw up a pre-apology letter on Facebook this weekend that should cover any and all verbal farts he rips during interviews about that dinosaur movie. For instance, let’s say he refers to one of the CGI velociraptors in Jurassic World as a sloppy creep-armed skank – well, he’s already sorry about it!
“I want to make a heartfelt apology for whatever it is I end up accidentally saying during the forthcoming #JurassicWorld press tour. I hope you understand it was never my intention to offend anyone and I am truly sorry. I swear. I’m the nicest guy in the world. And I fully regret what I (accidentally will have) said in (the upcoming foreign and domestic) interview(s).
I am not in the business of making excuses. I am just dumb. Plain and simple. I try. I REALLY try! When I do (potentially) commit the offensive act for which I am now (pre) apologizing you must understand I (will likely have been) tired and exhausted when I (potentially) said that thing I (will have had) said that (will have had) crossed the line. Those rooms can get stuffy and the hardworking crews putting these junkets together need some entertainment! (Likely) that is who I was trying to crack up when I (will have had) made that tasteless and unprofessional comment. Trust me. I know you can’t say that anymore. In fact in my opinion it was never right to say the thing I definitely don’t want to but probably will have said. To those I (will have) offended please understand how truly sorry I already am. I am fully aware that the subject matter of my imminent forthcoming mistake, a blunder (possibly to be) dubbed “JurassicGate” is (most likely) in no way a laughing matter. To those I (will likely have had) offended rest assured I will do everything in my power to make sure this doesn’t happen (again).”
As if Chris Pratt even needs to pre-apologize for anything. Chris Pratt is so charmingly adorable, he could call every interviewer a fetid sack of rotten tonsil stones, and they’d just smile and be like “You are just too much! Can I see your muscles again?”
I hope Chris Pratt doesn’t mind, but I’ll be borrowing this pre-written apology for the next everything I do. I too am dumb, and it would be nice to warn people ahead of time about the dumb shit I’m about to do. For instance, last weekend when I got drunk and decided to sit in a beer cooler and sing the theme song from Perfect Strangers – that would have been nice if it came with a warning.