QOTD: Meryl Streep Is Not A Feminist, But She Is A Humanist

Meryl Streep was the loudest whooper during Patricia Arquette’s “EQUAL PAY FOR EVERYONE!” speech at the Oscars and in the new movie Suffragette she plays Emmeline Pankhurst, a British activist who helped women win the right to vote, but don’t label her as a feminist at all. Meryl is currently sitting in a seat right next to Marion Cotillard in the section marked “Humanists.”

Meryl did an interview with Time Out London and they asked her a lot about equality since that’s what the movie is about. The interviewer asked Meryl what’s an annoying question that only women get asked. Meryl said she farts out a huge load of UGHs whenever she’s asked why she chooses to play “strong women.” Meryl also said that right now the film industry is dominated by dudes and the dudes should open their eyes and know that something’s wrong when other voices aren’t represented.

Men should look at the world as if something is wrong when their voices predominate. They should feel it. People at agencies and studios, including the parent boards, might look around the table at the decision-making level and feel something is wrong if half their participants are not women. Because our tastes are different, what we value is different. Not better, different.

But even though it sounds like she one hundred percent supports feminist causes, she doesn’t consider herself one. The interviewer asked Meryl if she’s a “feminist” and she dodged the question while spitting this out:

I am a humanist, I am for nice easy balance.

I didn’t know that “humanism” had to do with politics and equality and all of that. I thought “humanist” was a religious thing. But well, if we’re going by Meryl Streep’s definition of “humanist,” then I think it’s a good time to let all of you know that I’m not a humanist. Humans are assholes. That’s why I’m a puppyist.

Pic: Wenn.com

Grace Jones Has Got Kanye West’s Number

The Church of Grace Jones held another sermon with The New York Times and although it didn’t lift my soul to the heavens the way that excerpt from her memoirs did, it still did me right. While lounging in a robe with a mimosa in her hand, the forever legendary Grace Jones pimped out her memoirs “I’ll Never Write My Memoirs” during an interview with The New York Times and she continued to let the music hos of today know that she sees them copying her and is going to do something about it if she sees them out. Grace tells the Times that Kanye West copied something she did in the past and used it in a video. Grace didn’t say what video, but she did say these simple fightin’ words:

“When I see him, honestly, I’m going to get in his face.”

Okay, so now all we have to do is find a way to get Grace Jones and Kanye West into a room together and we have to make sure that there’s plenty of seats for us all. Oh, and we definitely need a popcorn machine and plastic ponchos to protect our clothes from the bits of Kanye that will fly all over the room when she destroys him with her bare hands. And I’m sure Kanye will fight back by saying that Grace Jones used that funny-looking helmet to time travel to the future where she watched his video before time-traveling back to the past where she used his ideas for one of her projects. So Kanye West didn’t copy Grace Jones, Grace Jones copied Kanye West!!!

Pic: Wenn.com

Keith Richards Wants His Daughters To Snort His Ashes

Keith Richards once said in an interview that he snorted a line of coke cut with his daddy’s ashes. (He later clarified that story by saying that some of his dad’s ashes blew on the table and he only put a little up his nose.) That story still goes down as the most touching tale of father/son bonding I’ve ever read. Keith wants to turn ash snorting into a family tradition. Keith is a functioning zombie, so he’s probably going to outlive the roaches, but he told Rolling Stone that if he dies, he wants his daughters to snort up his dead body ashes. via The Mirror

Rolling Stone legend Keith Richards is happy for his daughters to snort his ashes after he dies – just as he hoovered up his dad’s.

The 71-year-old guitarist, a former heroin and cocaine user, said: “I’ll give them a straw.”

That’s as heartwarming as is it sweet, but is Keef trying to kill his daughters?! Keith has had so much bad shit, booze and who knows what else in his body that his ashes will be radioactive. Keef should ask a pro like Charlie Sheen to test his ashes first to see if his daughters can take it.

Pic: Splash

And Now For Some Golden Words Of Wisdom From Grace Jones

Goddess of the universe, Grace Jones, is releasing her memoirs titled “I’ll Never Write My Memoirs” later this month and Time Out London stuck the tip in a bit by posting a piece from it. It I had to only go by the piece Time Out London posted, I’d say that Grace’s memoirs will replace Rue McClanahan’s memoirs as my new Holy Bible. In the excerpt, Grace calls out all of the pop tricks of today (Miley Cyrus, RiRi, Beyonce, Lady Gaga, Rita Ora, Sia, Madonna, etc) for copying everyone including her, and she also throws out a little blind item. Grace writes about a pop star she calls “Doris,” who is a manufactured puppet and wanted to work with her. You should read the entire sermon from the Church of Grace here, but I’ve thrown a few quotes after the cut.

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QOTD: CoCo Is Afraid Of What’s Going To Happen To Her Petite Vagina During Labor

CoCo’s camel toe is such an enormous natural wonder that the last time I flew over NYC, the pilot told the people on my side of the plane to look out their window and gaze at her glorious toe. We didn’t need binoculars or anything! Even though CoCo’s camel toe is a massive historical monument that can be seen from space, she says she’s actually very small down there. CoCo, who is currently knocked up, tells InTouch Weekly that she’s always been afraid of pushing out a baby, because she doesn’t want her teeny tiny pristine vagine to go from petite filet to hanger steak. Maybe this is her way of telling us that Ice-T’s about as hung as a Jon Gosselin.

“If I could avoid actually giving birth, I’d probably have like five children. This makes people laugh, but I’m very petite down there. I’m prepared for pain, I just don’t want to go through all the dramatics of ripping.”

CoCo really has nothing to worry about. I did the research. Since CoCo is our modern day Virgin Mary and her child, Chanel Nicole, is our new messiah, I looked up what the birth of Jesus was like. The version I read said that Mary had a “miraculous birth” and that Jesus passed through her the way “light passes through a window.” Mary didn’t go through all the dramatics of ripping! So yeah, it’s totally going to be like that and CoCo’s precious camel toe is going to remain beautifully intact. Praise the lord!

Pic: Wenn.com

QOTD: Brooke Hogan Thinks It’s Funny When People Say She Smells Like Bologna

Brooke Hogan really should’ve quit defending her dad Hulk Hogan after writing that gorgeous poem, because that’s as good as it gets and it will not only go down in literary history as an important work, but future civilizations will consider it the greatest defense of a father. But because Brooke Hogan doesn’t have shit to do and loves attention, she is defending her dad once again. Hulk Hogan mouth farted up a bunch of corroded racist dingles while talking about Brooke dating a black guy in his leaked sex tape. Brooke told Entertainment Tonight that her dad isn’t racist, because he’s best friends with Mr. T (yes, the “MY BEST FRIEND IS BLACK” card). She also said that she doesn’t get pissed off when she’s told white people smell like whatever the hell bologna is made of.

“My dad’s best friends with Mr. T, he’s best friends with Dennis Rodman, he’s not racist. It’s just when you’re mad and you’re at the lowest point in your life …. you just choose ill-fitting words for that situation just to air your shorts out. He’s so nice to everybody. He doesn’t talk like that, which is what was so strange about it.”

I feel bad for my dad, but I also feel bad for the African-American fans and stuff because they don’t know that he didn’t mean it. You know, it would be offensive. But this is something that we have to put a stop to everyday, because I’ll be honest with you, I’ve had a black guy call me a honkey, and I’ve also been told that white people smell like bologna. I don’t take offense to it, I just laughed at it.”

Hmmm. To me, Brooke doesn’t look like she smells like bologna. She looks like she smells like Victoria’s Secret fruit mist, the crust around an old bottle of Wet ‘N Wild foundation, peroxide, desperation and that faux coconut scent in some self tanners. But now that she mentions it…. I mean, Hulk Hogan’s hands look like they smell like fried deli meat and Slim Jim grease, so her body must smell like that too.

Pic: Wenn.com