Chicken Cutlets Takes Florida!

Monday has happened to all of us again and some of you are sitting in your cubicle prison looking for a reason to go on. Well, stop making a noose out of paper clips, because there is a reason to go on now that international supermodel and Hot Babe forever, Phoebe Price, is taking her signature pose game across state lines! Everybody on television keeps telling my ass that NYC is going to be hotter than a freckle on a ginger cat’s pussy today and now I know why. The heat is rising from the piping hot poses Chicken Cutlets threw down in Miami yesterday afternoon.

Looking like a photo shoot for Chickens Magazine: Swimsuit Edition, PP posed for the paps despite the fact that a flock of raver birds died on her ginger mane after crashing into the side of her head. Glamour doesn’t stop for bird carcasses clinging to your weave. I checked CNN and they haven’t yet reported on why Chicken Cutlets is in Florida, but I’m guessing she’s there on a goodwill mission as the official Ambassador of the Ho Stroll. Oh Florida, you just keep finding new ways to keep your title as the fuckery capital of the world.

Natural Elegance Collides With Legendary Glamour At The Grove

Nomi & Cristal, Tanya & Amber, Brandy & Monica, Nell Carter & Dinah Manoff, Alexis & Krystle, Shakespeare’s Sister, Lady Macbeth & a puddle of blood and Bartles & Jaymes are just some of the most iconic pairings of glamour in history, and you can now put Courtney Stodden & Chicken Cutlets on the top of that list.

Time stopped, the sun held its breath and the entire city of L.A. went numb last Friday when the iguana goddess and the Hot Babe of the Century joined glamorous forces to melt the rubber off of every pap’s camera with the hot shards of magic that jumped off of their bodies with every pose. You will lose all feeling in your eyeballs from staring at PP’s “Fraggle Rock refugee” ensemble, but you’ll get that feeling back after Courtney Stodden knocks you out with with her Barbizon: Stripper Division poses.

And now it’s time for a math problem!

When a slutty train leaves glamour for elegance at noon while a ginger train leaves elegance for glamour, what does it look like when they crash into each other?

Answer: THIS MASTERPIECE OF A VIDEO!

BONUS VIDEO: Here’s Chicken Cutlets talking about how she’s been named Woman of the Year by Foster Farms the Leukemia Something Society:

New Couple Alert!

I’m talking about the dog and PP. NO!!!! It looks like the cherubs have bent over and fired a fart bubble of eternal love that struck Phoebe Price and Mickey Rourke, because here they are sharing a romantic and completely private lunch in Los Angeles yesterday. Brace yourself for a tidal wave of love children that look like pieces of charred chicken cutlets with dead slug slips on ’em, because this love is going all the way. America desperately needs its own royal couple, and since Courtney Stodden and Carrot Top aren’t getting together anytime soon, Mickey and PP are the next best thing. Their couple name can be Phoeckey or Chickey. It’s meant to be. I am certain about this as much as I am certain that Mickey’s lips are slowly exploding like a hot dog in a microwave.

Or maybe bong smoke is operating my imagination again and this is just Phoebe Price cutlet bombing Mickey’s shot.

What’s Black, White And Freckled All Over?

In the costume closet of a community theater somewhere is a rack that’s missing a chorus girl dress from My Fair Lady’s horse race scene….. That’s because Phoebe Price stole it, shoved her farm fresh turducken parts into it and used it to serve up some “C’mon, Dover, move your bloomin’ arse shit!” at the American Music Awards last night. Yes, while your lazy ass was sprawled out on your velour sofa in your Sunday night outfit of torn underwear and a half-shirt with a Pepperidge Farm buffet on your stomach, our very own Chicken Cutlets was seat filling hard for the money (or in this case, for a 0.5 second on live television).

Every seat was filled like it’s never been filled before, the fuckery quotient stayed hugging the roof and the semi-permanent smug on Jaden Smith’s face was temporarily replaced with a look of HUH?! when PP strolled by looking like Rorschach spooged all over Dolly Levi. So I’d say it was a successful night and the hos at the AMAs can thank PP for this! I’m sure they did by letting her keep all the tips she made while working the ladies room during commercial breaks.

And here’s a few very luck hos who might have gotten their chair warmed by the most famous seat filler in the world. In order: Alanis Morissette with Souleye, Benjamin Bratt, Heidi Klum, JHud, Joe Jonas, Katy Perry with Taylor Swift and Jaden Smith.

Chicken Cutlets’ Glorious Return To The Pumpkin Patch As Told By Patton Oswalt

With a leased-for-the-hour child actor from central casting and a trunk full of Dollar Tree props in hand, international supermodel and Hot Slut of Every Year Phoebe Price returned to the Mr. Bones Pumpkin Patch in West Hollywood yesterday to show children of all ages that with zero shame and even less dignity they too can grow up to be the shiniest petal on the famewhore flower that brings all the paps to the yard.

As some families gourded their eyes out from not being able to stand seeing her stunning freckled beauty in the flesh, PP brought out her best Pirates of the Caribbeinbeautiful (Curse of the Freckled Oyster?) moves and comedian Patton Oswalt was one of the lucky few who got a front row seat. To say that Patton’s eyes were captivated by her scarecrow chichis and his heart was captured by her strong work ethic is an understatement greater than saying that PP’s complexion looks like chicken lasagna.

Patton narrated Chicken Cutlet’s borderline child abuse photo shoot at the pumpkin patch so I don’t have to:

Only PP can show the junior famewhores like Courtney Stodden how to really set fire to the pumpkin patch! And in doing so, PP just earned some quotes for her resume from a TV, movie and comedy star!

“…..star” – Patton Oswalt

“…dew-ey….treat” – Patton Oswalt

“‘sexy’ pirate…” – Patton Oswalt

“I DO want to….. pet…. her” – Patton Oswalt

It’s That Time Of Year Again!

It’s fall times, which means you’ll soon have to move your late-night back alley blow job sessions to an outdoor patio with a heat lamp and it also means that year-round poser and the real reason why trees turn ginger in the autumn, Phoebe Price, hits that one pumpkin patch in L.A. to give the paps some tricks and treats. Done up like a piece of tangerine chicken at Panda Express, Chicken Cutlets melted the orange off of the pumpkins at the patch with her hot poses and she kept on pose pose posing until every paps’ camera got cotton mouth of the lens. This is what Linus was really hoping to see when his ass waited for The Great Pumpkin!

Just when I start to think that there has to be something PP won’t pose in, I see pictures of her posing sober in a damn children’s wagon pulled by her mom Flora like she knows this is the shot that’s going to make the cover of Vogue Cherynobyl. And it will. I can’t wait until next month when PP poses in a turkey farm and the month after when she poses in a Christmas wreath farm. PP truly is her own walking calendar.