Where In The World Is Mah Boo?

Civil wars, Real Housewives foolery and all breaking news are on pause for the next few days while CNN’s sessiest messenger recharges his giggle in an unknown location somewhere. Mah Boo became Mud Boo for this picture he Tweeted last night from his current resting spot. Anderson Pooper says he’s not at a spa or anywhere near the Dead Sea. What the hell kind of clues are those? Mah Boo is being all coy and shit, so I’ll have to make do (doo) with what he’s given us. My official guesses:

1. Scatapalooza?
2. Jessica Simpson’s septic tank?
3. The backyard trough where all the Kardashians scrub off the layers of make-up every week?
4. The Redneck Games?
5. The Poltergeist pool?
6. The set of Australia’s Hey Hey It’s Saturday?
7. In a campground after winning a game of “Who Am I?” with his impersonation of John Travolta’s XXXL suppository?
8. Outside of my apartment window where he’s using a fake backdrop and wearing a disguise to throw me off? YES! YES! YES!

I don’t know! Mah Boo also said that if you’re a world traveler, you should know this. I am a world traveler (I’ve seen at least 10 episodes of Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego, okay?) and I don’t know this. Mah Boo needs to Tweet a full body follow-up photo. And I mean FULL BODY. Because as a world traveler, I know that certain native muds dry differently on a peen (just go with it).

And speaking of that mud, is it too late to ask who ever is with Mah Boo to carefully scrape that mud off of his body and pour it into an air-tight Ziploc bag? Then, can they FedEx it to me overnight so I can use Mah Boo’s dirty mud to make an extra special dild…I mean, flower pot. Shit. That just got me an extra 6 months on the restraining order, right?

via Mah Boo’s Twitter (Thanks to everybody who sent this in)

The Shemalien Who Fell To The Earth

Posing on the border where my nightmares meet my wet dreams, Tilda Swinton wipes the skid mark left by Kim Kardashian’s skank shit off of W Magazine in a series of gorgeous pictures that make me want to tap my b-hole with a Lego Man wrapped in a Tyvek condom.

If Powder joined a Culture Club tribute band in Oz, that cover is what it would look like. The rest of the pictures give me “albino lab rat meets Botoxed Gollum meets a monk from the Temple of Bowie” vibes. There’s really nothing else more to say. The Foursquare Mayoress of Saturn strikes again! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go hide in a closet with my Lego Man.

Jon Hamm In Tights. The End.

On last night’s SNL, Jon Hamm, Jimmy Fallon, Steve Carell, Stephen Colbert and Ed Helms brought The Ambiguously Gay Duo cartoon to life. One of my IM friend (an IM friend is a friend you only communicate with on IM even though you live like down the street from them) used one of those devil emoticons to throw shit at me about laughing at something that’s homophobic, dated and not funny.

But, but, but what about satire?! And the giant real-life dick mobile?! And dry butt sex moves? And Jimmy Fallon’s whacked head game on a serpent? And what about Jon Hamm in tights. I repeat, JON HAMM IN TIGHTS! Aren’t all arguments immediately made invalid when Jon Hamm gets into tights?! And that’s when IM friend called me the name I’ll use for the title of my pop-up illustrated memoirs: BAD GAY!

Eat Your EVERYTHING Out, Grace Jones!

UPDATE: Picture removed by order of Jake Gyllenhaal’s lawyers. Boo.

This picture is nowhere to be seen on TMZ, so that leads me to believe that there’s another site on the Internet called TMZ (but stands for Thigh Man Zone) or this beautiful yogay portrait was Photoshopped using the inspiration of Grace Jones, the head of Jakey Gyllenhaal and the body of a hot man flamingo. But it’s Sunday, so I will temporarily believe that Jake once flashed his barely there nalgas like he’s auditioning for the title role in the Palm Springs Gay Twink’s Choir production of Black Swan. I love that whoever this is made sure that his socks matched the hotel carpet. Details like that really make a picture.

Source: Public Addiction via ONTD

Carrot Top Goes Straight

With the help of a steamroller, two cast iron hot plates, this picture of John Travolta (which can turn any gay hair straight) and enough balm to fill a Beyonce rider, a team of stylists tamed the wild bushel of Gossamer pubes on Carrot Top’s head for a Las Vegas Magazine photo shoot. The result has obviously given you the answer to the question: “Could I ever be attracted to the secret toilet baby of Jackie Stallone and Fabio?” Don’t act like the answer isn’t “YES!YES!YES!,” because who can deny the come hither look of a female-to-male transsexual ginger who runs a mini-mall beauty salon/car insurance firm? It’s a good thing that sofa is leather, because if it wasn’t you might leave a panty pudding stain after you sit down.

I bet Carrot Top loved his new luxurious look so much that he pulled out the flat iron and matched the carpet to his drapes. Now when he hits it from the back, he can tickle your taint with the tips of his flowing pube cape.

Here’s a video of how they made Carrot Top even more nipple-burning gorgeous. It’s NSFW since it’s obviously porn.

via Las Vegas Magazine (Thanks OurMissC)

Is England Going To Send This Sexy Face Back To Jail?

Here’s the always sexy Pete “Dreamboat” Doherty suffocating the grease-eating pore dwellers on his scalp by wearing an upside down barristers’ wig outside of court in London yesterday. Oh, that Dreamy’s always making a joke out of the British justice system one way or another! The scab crust on my heart was at his home away from the crackhouse yesterday to face charges for cocaine possession in connection with a socialite’s death. Dreamy might’ve given her the 8 ball that took her over the edge. Dreamy bit the guilty bullet and will go back to court on May 20th for sentencing.

The judge let Dreamy know that because his criminal record is messy messy messy, he’s probably going to go to jail for a third time. The accommodations in the chokey are nicer and more luxurious than the ones in Dreamy’s own house (aka a tent made from old coats under a bridge), but he’s not going there. In this day and age, no judge is going to put that precious face behind bars. Thanks to the royal wedding, all eyes are on England. They want to parade their prized beauties in front of the world, so he’s not going anywhere.

And never mind that the wig on Dreamy’s head looks better than Brit Brit’s weave, he really isn’t right for taking that shit. That’s a health violation on every level. I’m sure the barrister put that wig back on her head before going back inside. Mutant lice are now running rampant all over the court house and they’ll have to shut that shit down for fumigation for MONTHS! Wait. Maybe that was all part of Dreamy’s plan after all. Naw. He just wanted to give everyone a quick tingle by accentuating his succulent jowls with that blonde wig.