The Ginge Has Landed!

If you’re in the El Centro area of California and a single strand of ginger hair that looks exactly like what one of the sun’s pubes would look like flies by you, lure it into a petri dish with promises of a vodka shot and send it directly to the third stall in the men’s bathroom at New York City’s Port Authority (they know how to find me) and then we’ll play a game of hot potato when I send you a bouncing check as a gracias.

Prince Hot Ginge stepped onto American soil yesterday (Oh, get me a pile of that American soil he stepped on too and if you pour it into one of these, I’ll add more zeros to your trampoline check!) to begin a two-month training program in California and Arizona.

Everything I want to say about this picture is already being said by the eyes of the dude in the crossing guard vest. Who needs a TSA wand when you’ve got eyes that can zoom straight into the royal nalgas of Prince Hot Ginge. If you stared deep into that dude’s eyes, you’d see the reflection of red ants carrying sparklers over two majestic sand dudes. (Yes, I’ve been taking writing classes from Courtney Stodden.) Thank you, neon vest dude, for doing what a restraining order tells me I can’t do!

via Daily Mail

Jude Law’s Hairline Found!

Call off the hounds and cancel the order for your Detective La Toya Kit from Amazon, because the search for Jude Law’s refugee hairline has finally come to an end. Jude Law’s hairline has been on milk cartons everywhere for years now, but it finally turned up on the top of his lip and he worked that furry caterpillar as he left the Donmar Warehouse in London where he’s starring in the play Anna Christie. I guess Jude’s hairline and the rest of his head’s follicles decided they needed some time apart, so it moseyed on down south to spend some ME time alone.

Sometimes, an above-the-lip landing strip makes a dude look like a dirty panty sniffer who has to check in with the local authorities every time he visits a new city, but sometimes it makes a dude look like a non-paid extra in a burglary scene from a 1970s gay porn. Jude falls into the latter category, so it works for me. You should try to ignore the fact that Jude’s t-shirt duo looks like something your auntie would wear to the club and focus on the positive. Jude’s stache can exfoliate your upper ass area as he tosses ze salad. That’s some full service stuff right there.

You know, I’m going to stop making fun of Jude’s front head area, because it is very special and doesn’t deserve mockery from a bitter old bitch blogger. It can do something the rest of his body can’t do: not grow hair.

“Cuuuupid, Please Take Your Aim At Me!”

Sometimes in the wild, you come across two hot-blooded sessy beasts throwing looks at each other like they just want to get messy, and that’s exactly the scene of love that went down in Malibu over the weekend when Becks laid his eyeballs on a Rob Reiner-alike with sex stuffed into his Speedos. You could cut the sexual tension with Posh’s clavicle bone. Posh now knows why Becks always spoons with a big Father Christmas plushie doll every night. Here she was thinking that her sleep chattering (sleep chattering is when your mouth opens and closes real fast while you’re sleeping because your stomach is hongray and it’s trying to catch a fly going by or something) gave Becks the scareds. But nope! The truth is that Becks has always wanted Santa Claus to come down his chimney if I ain’t being too subtle.

Just look at this picture of Becks frolicking in the sea while making fuck me eyes at Daddy Bear, and try to tell me that the song playing in his head isn’t this one:

I swear, if a genie showed up and agreed to grant Becks one wish, he’d ask to be turned into a crotch patch on that bear’s burgundy Speedo and he wouldn’t even have to think about it. I really hope this story had several happy endings, because the love between a silver bear and an otter doesn’t happen often.

Dave Franco On Dave Franco

Wait for it…. Wait for it…. Wait for it…. Or just skip all the kites and strawberries and go straight to the (NSFWish) 1:55 mark. And after all that, I still just want to bead his bushy brows like a friendship pin.

Source: FoD via AE (Thanks Nat)

William Levy Is Out Of That Showpeens Movie

Pull out the Kleenex and a tube of soothing chamomile tea lube, and then gently tell your genitals in a cashmere soft voice that it will not see William Levy’s Cuban sandwich nalgas clenching a crisp dollar bill on the (CL)IMAX screen anytime soon. Because the “Cuban Brad Pitt” (HA) has officially said no gracias to a role in Steven Soderbergh’s soon-to-be man stripper masterpiece Magic Mike.

William was supposed to star in his big breakout role by breaking out the see through salchicha smuggler (or as my mom says in her accent, “see troo”) and twerking his pecs next to Matt Bomer, Channing Tatum, Joe Man Jello, Matthew McConaughey and Alex Pettyfer, but People En Espanol says it’s not going to happen anymore. Let’s do this in Spanish, because then your chocha (or man chocha) can take the hint and weep in Spanish (messy, crazy, sweary, rosary-clutching, vase-breaking, etc):

Sin embargo, el actor cubano no se unirá al proyecto, pues prefiere dedicar tiempo a evaluar otras posibilidades en la Meca del Cine.

“Recibió un acercamiento, pero no estará”, dijo Gladys González, su mánager, a PeopleEnEspanol.com.

William is famous for telenovela shit and for rolling around on the sand with JLo’s ass, so he needs to stop thinking he’s too good to sway his peen on camera and take them chonies off! What are all these Hollywood offers that are falling on William’s lap? A chance to star opposite an A-list star in a Hollywood blockbuster that will win the box office and win Oscar awards? Yeah, I’m sure William got that casting notice in the mail. William, squint your pretty little eyes and tell me the fine print doesn’t say: “Audition held at the Scientology Center. Go to the cellar door on the side of the building, knock the melody to the Top Gun theme song with your fist. Come alone, bring a change of clothes and practice saying the safe word ‘glib’ over and over again beforehand.”

But this is still a tragedy…..

It’s times like this that I thank my everything for YouTube. The only thing that can calm my parts down is a fat sage joint from Shanti Ananda:

Joe Man Jello Is Big Dick Richie

If Steven Soderbergh is trying to make coochies and culos foam at the mouth like Cujo with this Magic Mike movie, then it’s working. Steven’s Magic Mike is about Channing Tatum’s days as a dick-flapping, nalgas-shaking, nipple-pinching, oil-slathering stripper and almost every casting announcement is like an orgasm from heaven.

So far, the cast includes Channing Tatum (eh), Alex Pettyfer (total douchehole but stills a ! from me), Matt Bomer (!!), Matthew McConaughey (eh squared), William Levy (!!!) and now True Blood’s Joe Manganiello has hopped on the Panty Creamer Express as Big Dick Richie. Steven just has to cast Boris Kodjoe as Bigger Dick Richie and Carrot Top, and he can officially change the title to Wet Dreams Do Come True. (I know, I always have to break the buzz in your loins by bringing up Carrot Top.)

This is like Showgirls but with 1000% more peen. Showpeens!

Steven better shoot this in (CL)IMAX 3D and release all the outtakes on an unrated DVD that comes wrapped in the used stripper chonies of one of the cast members. Steven also better hold an open call for fluffers or opposite-fluffers (since I’ve been known to bring a peen down with talks of Carrot Top, for example).

That being said, poor movie employees will soon find out what Tommy Girl’s clean up crew have to deal with when they go down to his dungeon.