And For His Grand Finale, Stefon Almost Got Married To The Silver Fox

Last night’s season finale of Saturday Night Live was filled with a bunch of Bye, Bitch! moments. Fred Armisen said farewell with a song. My eyeballs said farewell to my sockets when they rolled out of there while watching Kanye perform. Bill Hader said goodbye by almost crying at the end. And Stefon went out with an (almost) marital bang from The Silver Fox.

Because Stefon just couldn’t wait around for Seth Meyers to stop ignoring their love, he left Weekend Update to marry Anderson Cooper in front of dozens of club kids. If they’re ever going to make a remake of The Graduate, Stefon, the Silver Fox and Seth Meyers should star in it.

Yes, it’s true that Seth and Stefon belong together, but who in the hell leaves Anderson Cooper at the altar? Isn’t that against the law? I’d sell my entire family to the Russian mafia to get the Silver Fox to wink at me (with his brown eye, of course) and Stefon runs out on his ass without even thinking about it? But I guess, such is the mystery of Stefan.

And since NBC is still prejudiced against non-US countries, I don’t think you can watch the skit above if your IP isn’t an American citizen. But the only thing you need to know is that Stefon doesn’t kiss Seth and he doesn’t kiss the Silver Fox. I know, they should do the skit over again, but with more tongue this time.

Farewell, Stefon…

If you’re hoping that next season, NBC will completely retool SNL and fill it with nothing but skits starring Stefon (they can call it Stefonly Night Live)… Well, I have to break your boner of dreams, because that’s not happening. Stefon (real name: William Hader) told The New York Times (Side note: In the past 12 hours, I’ve been posting so much stuff from The New York Times. Does that me smarter or them trashier?) that he’ll take his final bow on the SNL stage during Saturday’s season finale. Bill Hader has been on SNL for 8 years and he says that it’s time for him to officially, once and for all quit that bitch:

“It was a hard decision, but it has to happen at some point. It got to a point where I said, ‘Maybe it’s just time to go.’ ”

Seth Meyers is leaving after next season to do Late Night and the Times says that Fred Armisen and Jason Sudeikis might also follow Bill Hader out the exit door.

The good news is that now Bill Hader has time to make a road trip movie starring himself as Stefon and himself as Lindsey Buckingham.

ICYMI: SNL Honors The Victims Of The Sandy Hook Shooting

For SNL’s cold open last night, the New York City Chirrun’s Chorus sang “Silent Night” in memory of the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary School Shooting. I know, isn’t it weird how an invisible wind storm blew all up into our eyes at the same time last night? This was the best part of SNL last night and it was even better than Samuel L. Jackson dropping some kind of f bomb and blurting out “bullshit.” And that’s saying a lot.

LeAnn Rimes Is Back Out In The Wild

For the past month, the paparazzi have been wandering the beaches aimlessly, wondering what to do with themselves and every now and again they’d come across a dead seahorse lying on the sand and they’d break down thinking about all the beautiful staged bikini moments they had with LeAnn Rimes. Well, the dark times are over for the paps, because LeAnn is out of that spa/therapy clinic/whatever center and is back out on the ho stroll full time, so it won’t be long before she starts texting them with the exact GPS coordinates of where to find her posing in a two piece. You can now close your eyes at night, because LeAnn has been reunited with her two true loves: the paps and bikinis!

Late last month, LeAnn checked into an inpatient, part-time therapy center to deal with stresses that were tearing her falcor nerves apart. There were rumors that LeAnn was dealing with an eating disorder, but most of the rumors claimed that she was stressed out from getting into a Twitter feud with two of her biggest haters. LeAnn called up those two haters and they recorded the conversation and then splattered it all over the internet. LeAnn is now suing their asses for invasion of privacy. The courts have forwarded the case to the vice principal of a junior high school, because he’s used to handling stupid mean girl shit like that. And here we are now…

LeAnn tweeted the picture above of her channeling her inner “Catwoman” and then she went to premiere of the Batman Live show in L.A. with Eddie Cibrian and his two kids. I’m not one to give LeAnn compliments, because the last time I pet a horse, the other jealous horses threw me side-eyes and tried to kick me, but she’s looking refreshed. All those therapy sessions (chemical peels), group meetings (massages) and time alone (facials) really did her some good. LeAnn is so refreshed that she doesn’t even mind that Eddie’s stache smells like random coochie fumes.

Would You Hit It?

In case you missed Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s chicken cordon bleu man titties flopping up and down, here he is impregnating the floor during his Ode to Magic Mike performance on SNL last night. I know JGL has been grown for a long time now, but it still surprises me that that he no longer has the body of a skinny ass 10-year-old boy (or like Parasite Hilton) and that his luscious chichis have grown in. Getting the tingles from watching JGL butt fuck the air made me realize that I’d probably also get the tingles from watching an evil spirit being passed into the body of a terrified chicken during an exorcism ritual, because that’s what he looked like.

With that being said, I’d still hit it even though when I saw GIFs of this early this morning I thought it was Billy Bush.

And click here for a better version that doesn’t make you feel like you’re looking at it through a broken View-Master.

Andy Samberg Won’t Be On SNL Next Season

Justin Timberlake’s main heartmate Andy Samberg tells The New York Times what all of us have already known. Andy has picked up his dick in the box and sashayed out the Studio 8H exit door right behind Kristen Wiig. Andy says that his contract was up and he felt it was time to move and spend his Saturday nights trying to make his natural curls more luscious with the help of rubber rods and curling custard (Side note: Those two things can also be used as substitutes for dildos and butt lube if you’re looking for a quick thrill.)

“It’s an incredibly emotional and strange moment in my life. Obviously it’s not a huge shock, but I did officially decide not to come back. She (Kristen Wiig) kept saying it just feels like it’s her time. I connect with that. Something about it just feels like it’s the moment. My contract’s up and I did so much more than I ever thought I would ever even do.”

Andy will go on to star in a buddy movie with (insert the name of 2012’s Queen Latifah here) and a few movies with (insert the name of 2012’s Drew Barrymore here) before hosting his own late late late night show on NBC. If I missed anything, just look over the blueprint for Jimmy Fallon’s career and fill in the blanks. But seriously, Kristen Wiig gets a huge ass goodbye party and what did Andy Samberg get? Maybe a party in the break room with chocolate cake from KFC? Actually, Andy’s send-off sounds better, because who doesn’t love chocolate cake that has been in a KFC fridge so long (because who buys chocolate cake from KFC) that it sort of tastes like chicken fumes and coleslaw.