Category: Nick Loeb
“Embryonic Lives Matter” Protesters Begged Sofia Vergara To Unfreeze Her Daughters
(Side note: Embryonic is a really good first name for a kid.)
Inside of the TLC Chinese Theater in Hollywood yesterday, the ovary eggs of horny whores fried up while watching tall sack of muscles Joe ManJello thrust his crotch in Magic Mike XXL. Outside of the TLC Chinese Theater in Hollywood yesterday, bored pro-life protesters (and paper and marker ink wasters) with nothing to do held up signs that read “Embryonic Lives Matter” and “Unfreeze Your Daughters,” because Sofia Vergara was there. Why does that make me want to sing (to the tune of Toni Braxton’s “Unbreak My Heart“), “Unfreeeeeeeeze your daughters, don’t let them be cold for-eeeeeh-vuuuur!”
As most of us know, Sofia Vergara’s clit sore of an ex, Onion Crunch mogul Nick Loeb, is suing her over the girl embryos they made while still together. Nick wants to implant the embryos in a surrogate and Sofia wants to keep them in the freezer like the 2-year-old bag of frozen peas I swear I’m going to make a side dish for dinner one of these days (no, I’m not). Nick, of course, got the pro-lifers on his side and they did his foolery work for him outside of the Magic Mike XXL premiere yesterday.
If those protesters are going to spend a chunk of their day protesting this kind of shit, they should at least bring some oomph to it. Or should I say, Nick Loeb should pay them more to bring some oomph to it. I mean:
She’s like, “This is not what I had in mind when Jenny asked me if I wanted to go to a big Hollywood premiere.”
Sofia Vergara’s Ex Can File For Custody Of Their Embryos, So Declares A Judge
I figured that if I’m going to post about another messy court battle, I might as well give you some man nipples. Just try to ignore the fact that those man nipples are attached to a smegma-covered dildo. Oh fuck it, just salivate over that Corona instead.
Entertainment Tonight says that on Friday, Superior Court Judge Lawrence Cho declared that Sofia Vergara’s ex-fiancé Nick Loeb can file an amended lawsuit against her ass in his battle for sole custody of the frozen embryos they made when they were still together. The revised lawsuit will include a claim that Sofia breached an oral agreement (which is my favorite kind of agreement behind an anal agreement) to bring the embryos to full term using a surrogate. Sofia was against the amendment lawsuit, because duh, she wants this fucked-up situation to be over. Sofia’s lawyer argued that Nick is just doing this for attention and is trying to get back at Sofia. Sofia’s lawyer also said that she and Nick signed a consent form that states they both have to agree before anything is done with the embryos. But the judge sided with Nick.
Nick’s lawyer echoed what he said in that New York Times op-ed piece and to the Today show. Nick believes those embryos are his daughters and he doesn’t want to destroy them or do what Sofia wants, which is to let them stay in a freezer forever.
When Nick first filed the complaint against Sofia in 2014, he filed as a John Doe and called her Jane Doe. Since everybody knows about this wreck of a situation now, he will file the amended lawsuit using their real names. Once he refiles, his lawyer and Sofia’s lawyer will go back to court for some legal custody embryo fight fun!
Nick is a crazy bitch with lots of money and lots of time, so I’m sure he’ll drag this out until it can’t be dragged out anymore. Sofia Vergara’s pussy game must be serious, because she’s got hos so wound up that they’re trying to keep her in their lives by taking her to court over embryos. Sofia’s lawyer should argue that Nick shouldn’t get sole custody of their embryos, because if those two embryos become babies, he’ll probably name them Onion and Crunch and that’s not only wrong, but it’s child abuse.
Pic: Wenn.com
Hell Hath No Fury Like An Onion Crunch Mogul Scorned
That dog wants no part of Nick Loeb’s acts of fuckery and I’m with it.
Sofia Vergara’s ex-fiancé Nick Loeb wrote a New York Times op-ed piece about why he wants complete control of their frozen embryos and I guess The New York Times published it, because they didn’t have anything else. (Dear New York Times, if you ever need a highly interesting and thought-provoking op-ed piece, please ask me to write one about the different flavors of dick cheese or why Homework starring Joan Collins is an underrated masterpiece that belongs in the AFI Hall of Fame.) In the piece, which should be titled, “How To Get Back At The Ex You’re Not Over And Get The Pro-Life Crowd On Your Side While Doing So,” Nick explains why he’s asking a court to ignore what Sofia Vergara wants and let him turn those frozen embryos into humans.
Sofia Vergara Wants To Keep Those Frozen Embryos She Made With Nick Loeb Frozen Forever
Warning: my only knowledge of freezing human stuff comes from Austin Powers, so please prepare yourself by drinking an extra-large mug of Throat Coat tea. You’re going to need it when you bust your vocal cords from repeatedly shouting “OMG THAT’S NOT WHAT FREEZING IS, YOU MAPLE-DIPPED DUMBASS!”
Earlier this week, we found out that Sofia Vergara’s ex-boyfriend Nick Loeb was suing her over a bunch of frozen embryos they made while they were still together. It was a pretty messy lawsuit; Nick still wanted to make a baby using their embryos and was alleging that Sofia wanted to dump them in the trash. It was all very Not Without My Embryocicles. Now Sofia is getting out her plastic fly swatter and swatting at Nick’s claims that she’s an embryo destroying monster, while also getting in a little subtle shade. Sofia’s lawyer (no, it’s not Mitchell Prittchett) tells People:
“The claims made against Sofia Vergara by Nick Loeb are uncredible and hold no merit. Vergara has never wanted to destroy her embryos. Vergara has never suggested that she wished to have the embryos destroyed. She has always maintained that they be kept frozen, a fact of which Loeb and his counsel have always been aware, despite Loeb’s statements to the contrary. Vergara, who has happily moved on with her life, is content to leave the embryos frozen indefinitely as she has no desire to have children with her ex, which should be understandable given the circumstances.”
Her lawyer goes on to say that no action can be taken in regards to the embryos unless both parties consent to it, which means they’re probably going to be on ice forever. Of course, there’s always a chance Sofia might change her mind and decide to make a baby with Nick, but something tells me Satan has a better chance of getting frostbite on the tip of his dick than that being something that happens.
Today In Batshit Crazy: Sofia Vergara’s Ex Is Suing Her Over Their Frozen Embryos
And now here’s a story that Lifetime will turn into a movie in 3..2.. What am I saying? Those bitches are fast. They probably already filmed it this morning and will release it this Saturday night. Check your local listings.
Sofia Vergara and Onion Crunch mogul Nick Loeb were on and off for years and during one of the times they were “on” they decided to make embryos using his baby batter and her huevos. The embryos were created in 2013 and have been chilling in a facility in Beverly Hills ever since. Sofia and Nick broke up for good in 2014 and a quick minute later she wiped away her ex’s crazy on Joe ManJello’s dick. Sofia is now engaged to Joe ManJello and wants to completely move on from Nick. Sofia wants to toss out the embryos, because she’s never going to use them.
Sofia Vergara’s Piece Got Thrown Out Of An NYE Party In Miami
Latina buttocks activist Sofia Vergara’s boyfriend Nick Loeb was ixnayed from a Miami club early New Year’s Day after they got into some sort of physical altercation. There’s always one insane ass couple at the party bringing their bullshit to the club instead of to the therapist’s couch.
Page Six reports that Al Bundy’s wife from Modern Family was with her cokey sex addict at Miami club Story when he raged out because she was taking a photo with someone he didn’t know. “Pushing and shoving” ensued.
One witness told us, “Nick appeared to get really angry after Sofia took a picture with a stranger, and started screaming at her. Nick had to be pulled off Sofia by security. Her dress got torn in the melee. This happened right in front of everyone in the VIP section.
Apparently Ike didn’t like Tina up on someone else’s Instagram feed. Four security guards gave his bitch ass the bum’s rush out the back, and Sofia followed. Don’t eat the cake, Sofia. By the by, this dude once considered running for a Senate seat in Florida. He’s supposedly crazy rich, but no one’s sure what he does except he started a food-topping company called Onion Crunch. Suspect. Don’t end up being found dead in a vat of whatever the fuck Onion Crunch is, Sofia. The badonka donks of the world need their spokesass.
Well, that’s it for me! Huge thanks to that raunchy slut Michael K. for letting me hang out here again. I send kisses to the beautiful and talented Sweetas. Oh, and shameless plug – I post for Manhunt Daily on the regular. Come by and say hi! Warning – it’s a gay blog and there’s lots of dicks. But I’m guessing that’s not a problem for some of you. Happy New Year!