Here’s What The Nerds Will Be Obsessing Over Today

In honor of Star Wars Day (May the 4th be…you finish it, I’m too tired from singing the Comedy Bang Bang version of the Star Wars cantina theme), Vanity Fair released several photos taken on the set of Star Wars: The Force Awakens by Annie Leibovitz. Sadly, there are no moody grey-blue shots of Han Solo staring pensively off into the distance while Chewy relaxes on an antique bentwood chair in the background (aka what every Annie Leibovitz picture looks like to me). But we do get to see what some of the new characters look like.

Well, sort of. Vanity Fair says Lupita Nyong’o plays a pirate called Maz Kanata, but she’ll look nothing like she does above in the movie. Lupita’s face is covered in tracking dots so they can CGI in her character’s face later. What a drag! I was like, finally, a character my high school yearbook photos could related to. But no.

Also a bummer was this photo Annie took of a group of Star Wars background characters. See if you can pick out who is missing.

Say it with me now: where the hell is Sy Snootles?!? Maybe she’s hiding behind that slutty protocol droid on the left (that slutty droid would). Sy Snootles is hands-down the hottest character from Star Wars, and I was really hoping J. J. Abrams would do the fans right by bringing her back. I wanna know what happens to Sy Snootles. Does she pull a Beyonce by quitting the Max Rebo Band to go solo or what? These are the important questions.

Here’s more of what some of the new Star Wars characters will look like, including Oscar Isaac as a pilot named Poe Dameron (every emo teen just jizzed themselves over that name) and Adam From Girls as a bad dude named Kylo Ren:

Pics: Vanity Fair

Millions Of Nerd Chonies Just Got Wrecked

If you’re a mom of a nerd, then you now know how you’re going to spend a part of your day tomorrow. You’re going to spend it scrubbing dried butt cream out of a pair of Star Wars adult sized Underoos. Because the teaser trailer for Star Wars VII: The Nerd Boner Awakens stuck its tip into nerd holes today. This shit doesn’t come out for another year and this is only a teaser, so it doesn’t show much. I see John Boyega giving hos the moists in his Stormtrooper outfit, some soccer ball with a head and possibly Adam from Girls working a really impractical light saber that I’m sure he’ll burn his hands on at least twice. This trailer doesn’t do things to me, but I’m still happy for all you nerds, because I’m sure you’d be happy for me if a trailer for the live-action feature film of Beverly Hills Teens came out and made me tear off my head before running around in a circle from the excitement of it all.

Jared Leto Might Play The Joker In An Upcoming Film

Say it with me now: BETHENNY FRANKEL WAS ROBBED!!!

According to The Wrap, the Dirtbag Hipster Jesus of Bushwick Jared Leto is being considered for the role of The Joker in David Ayer’s Suicide Squad, a film based on the comic of the same name about a bunch of convicted DC villains who get hired for high-risk black ops missions by the U.S. government. The Clean-Cut Hipster Jesus of Canada Ryan Gosling was originally rumored to be playing The Joker in Suicide Squad, but for some reason he dropped out.

Also being considered to join the cast are Tom Hardy, Will Smith, Margot Robbie, and hickey enthusiast Cara Delevingne (who may or may not play The Joker’s girlfriend Harley Quinn). Jessie Eisenberg, who was cast as Lex Luthor in the Ben Affleck Batman Meets Superman movie (or whatever it’s called) is expected to play Lex Luthor in Suicide Squad too.

I know that when Heath Ledger was first cast as The Joker in The Dark Knight, all the nerds were like “Him? The pretty boy from 10 Things I Hate About You?“. But then he went on to werk mama werk and turn that Joker shit OUT, so who knows if Jared Leto will do the same? Jared is a pretty boy (albeit a bit of a dirt sandwich), and I’m sure he can bring the crazy, but I’m worried about that face. Heath wasn’t afraid to go ugly, but Jared? Jared has a face that was made for makeup. You can shave off the Jesus, but you can’t deny those cheekbones! Trust me, Jared Leto as The Joker is going to look more like Jared Leto as Bianca Del Rio. Actually, that sounds amazing.

Behold, The New Apple Product That Thieves Will Be Cutting Off Wrists To Steal

During Apple’s nerdgasm-inducing live event today, they announced all the products that will leave a lot of bitches in debt and screaming for an iBailOut. As expected, they announced the all new Samsung Galaxy-sized iPhone 6 (starting at $199) and the newest jewel in the nerd tiara: the iWatch, which looks like a Casio watch in Apple clothing. The iWatch starts at $349, is available early next year, comes in a bunch of styles, doubles as a heart-rate monitor and you have to use it with an iPhone, because MONAY. Gizmodo has a long ass rundown of everything the iWatch does (Side note: I’m not totally sold, because it doesn’t squirt out lube and double as a cock ring) if that’s what you need. Here’s a quick synopsis of the iWatch from Uproxx:

Interestingly, the screen appears to be graphics heavy; this isn’t going to be an epaper display on your wrist. It also appears to try and predict what you’ll want to use as a reply to texts, which is curious. It also has animated emoji, which is terrible, and of course it’s integrated with Siri, because Apple has spent twenty years and millions on speech recognition and goddammit, they have to at least try to get you to use it!

Also, it’ll vibrate in the direction you need to go when you’re walking somewhere, which is actually a useful feature. Unfortunately, you can also use it to annoy a friend; tap in the middle of the screen with his contact info up, and his Apple Watch will vibrate, sending a picture you draw. You can also beam your heartbeat to another Apple Watch user, which is… actually pretty disturbing. Speaking of annoying, Apple has something called WatchKit to make notifications more detailed, which we’re sure Facebook won’t abuse at all.

Apple also announced Apple Pay, which keeps all of your credit cards stored on your iPhone and iWatch. You can definitely trust Apple to keep pictures of your spread b-hole safe, so of course you can trust them with your credit card info. But what I want to know is, does the iWatch come with an iHook, because I’m going to need that shit to search eBay for my hand and wrist (with my iWatch attached to it) after thieves cut it off.

Pics: Tumblr

And The Fourth Runner-Up In The Miss Rebel Alliance Pageant Is…

Not Kirsten Dunst! You think that sad excuse for a Death Star costume would take her anywhere close to the top 5? They don’t give crowns to lazy tricks who wrap a Star Wars bed sheet around them and call it a day. You gotta WERK if you wanna steal the title from Khloe Kardashian (who wins every year with her flawlessly realistic Wookie costume).

Betty Draper-in-training wore a dress from Rodarte’s Star Wars-themed fall 2014 collection, but I’m so disappointed she picked the safest one. If there’s any event where it’s ok to dress like a goddamn mistake-humping disaster, it’s the Met Gala. She should have picked the one where C-3P0 is popping out of the sand to guard your pussy against Jawas, and paired it with an R2-D2 helmet. Hell, she could have written RETURN OF THE JEDI on her face in red lipstick, and she still wouldn’t have been the most questionable-looking one there (is everything okay, David Burtka??).

But that’s assuming she even knows what Star Wars is, which I don’t for a second believe she does (because if she did, she’d know you’d NEVER wear something that glamorized the Galactic Empire oh god I’m such a loser). Kiki’s only concept of Star Wars is probably limited to what she saw after drunkenly wandering into Star Tours at Disneyland, and I’m sure that when someone asked her about her dress she was like “I’m a total nerd! I love Star Wars, I’ve probably seen it 400 times. My favorite character? Probably Spock or Gandalf. ‘Use the force, Harry!’ OMG I’m such a geek.”

Pics: Splash

Benedict Cumberbatch’s Gorgeousness Was Upstaged At The Hobbit Premiere Last Night

Last night, the premiere of The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug (a word I’ve been pronouncing as ‘smoog’) was held in Hollywood and it brought out lots of handsome older-types in suits, including the most handsome and suit-y of them all, Benedict Cumberbatch. It couldn’t possibly have gotten any more swoony at The Hobbit premiere after Benedict (they don’t call his eyes ‘The panty droppers‘ for nothing. Yeah, I know, no one calls them that) but then – BAM – James Maslow walked in and done changed the motherfuckin’ game:

TAKE A LAP, CUMBERBATCH. What I’ve gleaned from his IMDB is that he played “James Diamond” (that is THE HOTTEST name in the game) on a Nickelodeon show called Big Time Rush, he used to have serious Justin Bieber hair, aaaaand that’s about it. James Maslow doesn’t play a character in The Hobbit and he didn’t write or sing a song for The Hobbit, so there is literally no reason for him to be at this premiere, but I DO NOT CARE; as long as he brings that Maybe it’s Maybelline face, he can show up at whatever damn premiere he likes. That stunning hair and perfect nose makes him look like a come-to-life Ken doll. Actually, he looks exactly like a doll I named “Brock Lockheart”; he was the ‘special friend’ my Ken doll would bring to dinner at Barbie’s house (and yes, Brock was a model/marine biologist).

Here’s more of The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug premiere. I know a handful of big-time nerds and they would be pissed if I didn’t mention everyone’s name (“ALL THE HOBBITS ARE AS IMPORTANT AS FRODO!!” – said as cosplay tights are being pulled up under an Aragorn costume). So here is Benedict Cumberbatch (he voices a dragon named “Smaug”, which sounds like something a stoner came up with), Martin Freeman (Tim from The Office), Orlando Bloom (still hot, would do), Stephen Fry (same), James Maslow, Sean Astin, Manu Bennet (who looks like if John Stamos had a younger half-brother who was really into UFC) Evangeline Lilly (who’s hair has looked better), Peter Jackson, Luke Evans, and Ed Sheeran (Ed looks sleepy because he probably just came from a PJs n’ Popcorn Party at Tay-tay’s house).

(Pics via Splash)