Category: My Allergies Would Like A Word With You

Open Post: Hosted By Dakota Johnson Admitting She Lied About Loving Limes

January 22, 2021 / Posted by:

Way back in March of 2020, Architectural Digest dropped one of their celebrity house tour videos starring Dakota Johnson. Her house was actually pretty cool. Lots of bookshelves, wood, art, plants, and… huge bowls of limes? Dakota explained, “I love limes, I love them. They’re great and I love them so much. And I like to present them like this in my house.” But last night, during a Tonight Show interview with Jimmy Fallon, Dakota admitted the truth… the limes were added by a set dresser. She actually doesn’t love limes. In fact, she’s allergic. Dakooota! You were supposed to be a warrior for the truth!

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Open Post: Hosted By This Cat’s Sneezing Attack

June 5, 2020 / Posted by:

Today in wet pussy news, here’s a video of a little grey cat having one helluva sneezing attack and serving their best impression of an excited squirrel. Try to contain your rage when the human filming fails to follow up with a “gesundheit” or “bless you.” Some people, I swear to God…

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A Woman Who Got Kicked Off A Flight Because Of A Pet Allergy Didn’t Go Quietly

September 28, 2017 / Posted by:

On a Southwest flight from Baltimore to Los Angeles on Tuesday, a woman complained that she’s deathly allergic to the dogs that were on the plane with her, and it ended with her being forcefully removed and facing a gang of offenses as the dogs onboard said to themselves, “Humans: ZERO, Dogs: All the points!”

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I Hope They Change Their State Flower To A Lint Roller

January 25, 2014 / Posted by:

Never has a picture so accurately summed up why I’m a dog person. Look, before you go writing me an angry email about the 2,000 reasons why I’m wrong (“What about Garfield? WHAT ABOUT HEATHCLIFF?!?”) I want to stress that I don’t hate cats, I just hate what cats do. Yes, cats are cuddly and soft and warm, but they also: shit on the couch, barf on your baby, leave dead animals in your shoes. Case in point: I had a friend who’s cat pissed on her face when she was sleeping. Pissed. On. Her. Face. Cats ARE your drunk, crazy college roommate.

But this isn’t about my irrational fear that every cat I meet will take a dump in my shoes; it’s about where the most shoe-dumps could statistically happen. According to the Portland Press Herald, that state is Maine:

Maine was named the best state for cat lovers Wednesday by an online real estate resource, Estately. The percentage of cat owners, cat-related Facebook activity, animal protection laws and the number of no-kill shelters all factored into the rankings. More than 46 percent of Maine households have cats, and cat owners outnumber dog owners by 11 percent. Although Vermont, named the second-best cat state, ranked higher in both categories, the fact that Maine has an official state cat helped boost its rankings.

Wait, so let me get this straight: Vermont really won, but Maine was given the title just because it has a state cat? That seems pretty arbitrary. By that theory, you could have given it to Missouri because it sounds cute when you pronounce it ‘Meow-souri’. Or to Michigan, because the state is shaped like a little paw. I bet the cat-owners of Vermont are PISSED; they worked hard to collect the most cats, and they deserve that invisible prize, goddamn it!

And I’m really surprised they were able to track any kind of ‘cat-related Facebook activity’ at all; you’d think that searching for “cats” on Facebook would automatically redirect you to Joe Exotic’s beautiful pussy pictures with the message “this is the only cat page you need”.

(Pic via Tumblr)

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