Miss Austria As Conchita Wurst Leads The Miss Universe National Costume Foolery

It’s that time of year again when beauty queens from around the world do themselves up like they’re going to walk in a knock-off version of the Victoria’s Secret fashion show held in the parking lot of a mini-mall somewhere. It feels like the Miss Universe pageant just happened, but it’s happening again this weekend. Donald Trump, the hard pus squirting out of America’s engorged pimple, no longer owns the Miss Universe pageant, which kinds of sucks, because I was hoping that this year’s show would end with the queens turning on him and tearing that bitch apart onstage. Oh, well.

All of the Miss Universe preliminary shit already happened this past week including the greatest part of the pageant: the national costume showdown! The national costume competition is what we’d get if RuPaul’s Drag Race and the Victoria’s Secret fashion show both rolled themselves in a whole lot of feathers before crashing into each other. It’s a gorgeous mess.

Miss Austria made the pores on my face ooze out glitter when she came out dressed like her country’s national flower Conchita Wurst. It doesn’t even matter to me that her gay flag ribbon is a sad thing and looks like it was made by a bored 4-year-old with arthritis. She nailed it and better end up in the top 10 for this reason alone. My other favorite is Miss Spain…

Garbled up foolery at its finest. It took me a minute to figure out what she was dressed up as. At first I wondered why Miss Spain was done up like a half-Moses and half-Judy Jetson hybrid with a crucifix made of tattered weaves on her head. But then I figured out that half of her is Don Quixote and that cross of gutter weaves on top of her head is supposed to be a windmill. MESS! Miss Spain didn’t dream the impossible dream, she made the impossible dream happen. This is a sparkly disaster for my eyes.

Most of the national costumes are in the gallery. Miss Australia dressed up as a slutty Dame Edna and Miss Curacao did herself up as one of those Avatar creatures starring in a Cirque du Soleil production about the life and times of Toucan Sam.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com, Facebook

Miss Venezuela Was Robbed!

Yes, the Miss Universe pageant is racist toward other planets, but I still watched all 2 hours of it last night, because one of my favorite pastimes is getting drunk while watching beauty pageant queens trip. I counted two beauty queen trips, but surprisingly, that wasn’t the highlight of the night. That title goes to Miss Venezuela who killed the shit out of the Q&A part of the competition. Along with Miss USA (the boring winner), Miss Philippines, Miss Australia and Miss Brazil, Irene Sofia Esser Quintero made the top 5 and had to answer a question from one of the judges.

Miss Venezuela’s intergalactic Christmas dress should’ve gotten her extra points and the way she sensually grabbed a question out of the glass bowl should’ve made the other queens exit stage right. But Miss Venezuela really cinched the title as the queen of my heart when this happened:

Diego Boneta: If you could make a new law, what would it be and explain why.

(The Spanish translator translated the question to Miss Venezuela and then she tried to answer it herself in English.)

Miss Venezuela: I think that any lazar in constitution are all ready made I think that we should have a straight way to go in our similar or our lives for example I’m a SURFER and the best way I can take is the wave I wait for it…. So, please? Do our only law that we can do. THANK YOU, VEGAS!

Bitch speaks English better than I do and her answer was more coherent than any post on Dlisted.

Most of us would probably spit out a tossed salad of words if we were standing in 16-inch glitter-encrusted stilettos on live TV and Andy Cohen was staring us down with his good eye while an alien ant’s stomach moaned for food next to us. Not to mention that when Miss Venezuela stared into the audience, she probably saw a steaming orange turd (aka Donald Trump) sexing her up with his eyes. So she did ex-seh-len-tay, considering.

If I was the last gay dude in America, and therefore won Mr. Gay USA by default, and had to compete in the Mr. Gay Universe pageant in Venezuela, I’d end up in the hospital after trying to answer my question in Spanish. Because I’d sound so fucked up that they’d think I was having a seizure and Tourettes attack at the same time.

Here’s some pictures of the new Miss Universe and the judges from last night’s Miss Universe pageant in Las Vegas. I’m not even going to bother typing the names of the judges, because it’s not like you’ll recognize them anyway. Well, except for Giggy. He’s the only A-lister in that ZZ-list buffet.