Out, Damned Natalie Portman! Out, I say!

Yesterday, it was announced that Michael Fassbender is going to play Macbeth in a new Macbeth movie, and I don’t really see him in that role, but it sort of makes sense for him to play the King of Scotland since his dick is as big as the Loch Ness Monster. I secretly wished that they wouldn’t mess up with the casting of Lady Macbeth, but guess what? Those hateful bitches did. Screen Daily says that when Macbeth starts shooting later this year, Natalie Portman will bring out her signature ugly cry to play Lady Macbeth. I’m sure William Shakespeare’s grave is filled with only bone dust and a dusty lace ruff, but if lace ruffs can turn, I bet it’s turning over this news.

Lady Macbeth is one of Shakespeare’s hottest bitches, because she’s a legendary schemer, is thirty layers of insane and if she was around today, she’d destroy all of those Real Housewives whores in a second. Natalie Portman can play crazy, because she is crazy, but she is no Lady Macbeth. Maybe one of Lady Macbeth’s mute, bland handmaidens, but not Lady Macbeth. I mean, bitch didn’t even serve cake at her wedding and you know Lady Macbeth rolled around naked on her own wedding cake. Seriously, anybody would be a better Lady Macbeth than Natalie Portman and here’s a few better choices off the top of my brain:

1. Tilda Swinton
2. Nicole Kidman
3. Thandie Newton
4. Julianne Moore
5. Alan Cumming
6. Sweet Brown (“This spot? I ain’t got time for that!“)
7. Tanya Turner from Footballers Wives
8. Tan Mom
9. Liza Minnelli’s clit
10. Meryl Streep in a coma
11. Harald Glööckler
12. Jinx Monsoon
13. Courtina Stodden 
14. My Tio Jorge in drag as Celia Cruz
15. a plate of cold haggis

Basically, anybody but Natalie Portman…. Anne Hathaway…. Goopy Paltrow…. and Katherine Heigl. Oh shit, I bet they’re going to cast Anne, Goopy and Katherine as the witches. Come you, spirits, kill me now!

So What The Hell Happened To Kristen Stewart?

Kristen Stewart hobbled into the Oscars on crutches last night and when she presented with Daniel Radcliffe, she limped and twitched like a strung out pimp suffering from severe diarrhea. KStew looked like her publicist peeled her off the bathroom floor, quickly sprayed her down with a hose, threw clothes on her body and pushed her out the door (basically, she looked like a hungover me trying to keep down the barfs while buying a breakfast burrito at Jack In The Box on a Saturday morning).

KStew looked like a visual dry heave, she acted like the Oscars were the last place she wanted to be and I think she left loogie pieces on the mic when she hacked and grunted into it. So some hos were wondering what in alley cat hell happened to her? Did Liberty Ross Nancy Kerrigan her in the knee? Is she trying really hard to get a role on The Walking Dead? Well, UsWeekly has the answer.

A source says that right before she presented, KStew ran into Anne Hathaway backstage and they had a moment that went like this:

Anne – Oh no!

KStew – I know, I’m an idiot. But congratulations!

Anne – Please tell me you’re going on stage with those crutches.

KStew – Nope. I’m gonna hobble.

Anne –  Well, break a leg. Oops!

KStew – I just hope the wound doesn’t open up right now.

End scene.

The source added that KStew told Anne that she cut her foot open when she accidentally stepped on glass.

I guess KStew learned the hard way that you should always put on a pair of sturdy house shoes before you walk around the crack house, because you never know when some rude and uncouth crackhead is going to leave their broken pipe on the floor. Some crackheads are such slobs. This is a lesson we must all learn.

And I also threw in some pictures of Liberty Ross’ nipples at last night’s Vanity Fair party, because why not.

The Look Of The Night Goes To….

Before Catherine Zeta-Jones scared the children by working the Oscar stage like a wigged, horny banshee on the loose during “All That Jazz,” she put dozens of hos to shame when she sashayed down the red carpet like RuPaul, Michelle Visage and Santino Rice were sitting at a table in front of her. CZJ looked like Miss Philippines in the final round of Miss Transgender Universe 2013 and I’m pretty sure her dress was made out of the gold parts from a dozen Wonder Woman costumes.

After Michael Douglas and CZJ talked to Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet, that Frogger-looking motherfucker with Sears Portrait Studio hair snubbed her ass. Oh that was just Seacrest’s jealousy showing, because he’s just mad that CZJ can steal all of his men with just the wink of an eye. I don’t even care that CZJ’s face is completely brand new, she was still the epitome of drag eleganza last night.

And my other favorite looks of the night came from Charlize Theron and Jane Fonda. Unless your name is Shauna Sand, Angelyne or Harald Gloockler, I don’t like calling you perfect, but Charlize Theron looked pretty perfect last night. Charlize must have a birth make shaped like Donald Trump’s head on her inner thigh and one of her nipples must be way fatter than the other, because something has to be wrong with her ass. Also, I just want to get drunk with Jane Fonda and watch her pick up men in the piano bar of a business hotel.

Get A Goddamn Room, You Two!

Today’s front page headline on The Los Angeles Times isn’t “Kodak Theater Burned To The Ground After Anne Hathaway Loses To Sally Field,” which means that Anne Hathaway FINALLY won the thing she’s been hustling to get her hands around for months. After working the stroll like the mafia was holding her entire family hostage and the lives of a million kittens depended on her, Anne won Best Supporting Actress last night. Right after Anne won, I’m sure the first thing she did was scratch the word “Supporting” off her trophy, because you know she thinks she carried that whole damn movie and she did it while only eating dried oatmeal skid marks for nourishment. You’re welcome, Hugh Jackman!

Anne’s speech wasn’t as nerve-killing as her other speeches were, but that’s probably because I changed the channel to QVC as soon as her name was announced. No, Anne probably toned it down, because the producers told her that they didn’t want to be hit with a class action lawsuit from the millions of people who sprained their eye muscles while rolling their eyeballs during her speech. Most of us bitches in the comments were hoping for Anne to go over and instead of being played off by the Jaws theme song, we were hoping for a trap door to open and for her to fall into a pool full of actual sharks.

At the end of Anne’s speech, she told a bona fide lie when she thanked her Dollar Tree Ryan Gosling of a husband and said, “My husband, by far and away the greatest moment of my life is the one when you walked into it. I love you so much. Here’s hoping someday in the not-too-distant future the misfortunes of Fantine will be only found in fiction and not in real life.”

BITCH, PLEASE!

Change “my husband” to “my Oscar” and then ho would’ve been telling the truth. This morning, Anne’s husband woke up and found a Dear John letter on the pillow next to him. Anne’s going to divorce his ass, marry Oscar in a quickie Las Vegas wedding and move to a farm in Vermont where they’ll have a dozen tiny little Oscar babies together. Anne is finally with the dude of her wet dreams, OSCAH!

Here’s more of Anne, her future husband Oscar and her paper cone titties last night.

And Here’s That GIF Of Jennifer Lawrence Nearly Busting Her Face

The guy all of us paid to grease the steps before Anne Hathaway’s win needs to give us our money back, because dude has shit timing.

If you’re reading this, then you obviously survived through the 17 hour-long circle jerk and song and dance marathon that was the Tonys disguised as the Oscars. That mess was just a whole lot of weirdness from start to finish. Hospital emergency rooms filled up with people thinking they somehow overdosed on acid, because that’s the only way they could explain the fuckery hitting their TV screens. But anyway, somewhere between me grossing myself out by mumbling to myself “I would” while staring at Seth MacFarlane’s Peter Brady action figure face to Michelle Obama announcing the winner for Best Picture (?????), Jennifer Lawrence unsurprisingly won Best Actress for shouting a lot in that Silver Linings Playbook movie.

When she went up to accept her golden dildo trophy, she tripped, fell and nearly busted her face. Some people laughed, some of us screamed, “IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE YOU, HATHAWAY,” and Fist Brown raised both his hands while saying, “It wasn’t me.” Everybody stood up for the girl who fell and Jennifer Lawrence made a joke about it, but it’s not surprising that her ass fell.

Homegirl had at least three princess canopy beds strapped to her body. Her dress was huge. Every time the camera panned to her in the front row of the audience, all you saw was her face and her big ass dress swallowing everyone around her. Bradley Cooper’s hot mom (who stomped on all the hos in her metallic BKs) sat next to Jennifer Lawrence and she probably couldn’t see shit, because she had a giant balloon of pink ass fabric blocking her view. If B.Coop can’t find his mom this morning, he shouldn’t file a missing persons report. He should just check under Jennifer Lawrence’s dress, because I’m sure his mom is trapped underneath there.

And here’s B. Coop, his mom and Jennifer Lawrence at the Oscars and Vanity Fair’s post-Oscars party. Personally, I don’t think Jennifer Lawrence deserved to win, but I’m glad she did, because she flipped everybody off in the press room.

Let’s Guess Who’s Going To Win That Shit Tonight

I just put my picks in for Dlisted’s Oscar office pool, which consists of just me and my dog. (SPOILER ALERT: He’s going to win.) Since the Oscars are only five seconds away and I like to do everything last minute, here’s who I think will win and who I think should win. I based my picks on what I read at Rope of Silicone, Gold Derby and by asking myself an extremely relevant question: Which nominee would I rather be naked, drunk and lubed up in a room covered in Saran Wrap with. These are my choices.

Best Picture 
Who will win: Argo
Who should win: Liz & Dick 

Best Director 
Who will win: Steven Spielberg, Lincoln
Who should win: Bill Condon for directing Twatlight: Breaking Hymen, Number Two, because he made a Razzie-winning inanimate object named Kristen Stewart actually produce a trickle of human-like emotion (so I’ve HEARD).

Best Actor 
Who will win: Daniel Day-Lewis, Lincoln
Who should win: Joaquin Phoenix, The Master (but only because his character taught me how to make a cocktail out of paint thinner)

Best Actress 
Who will win: Jennifer Lawrence, Silver Linings Playbook
Who should win: Emmanuelle Riva, Amour

Best Supporting Actor
Who will win: Robert De Niro, Silver Linings Playbook
Who should win: Tommy Lee Jones’ Wig, Lincoln

Best Supporting Actress
Who will win: Anne Hathaway, Les Misérables
Who should win: ANYBODY BUT ANNE HATHAWAY!!!!!

Best Original Screenplay
Who will win: Quentin Tarantino, Django Unchained
Who should win: Honey Boo Boo and Mama June, because they gave us the lines of the year!

Best Adapted Screenplay
Who will win: Tony Kushner, Lincoln
Who should win: Chris Terrio, Argo

Best Cartoon Movie
Who will win: Wreck-It-Ralph (yes, I was stoned on something messy when I chose this)
Who should win: The fuck if I know? I didn’t watch any of that cartoon shit.

Best Foreign Language Film
What will win: Amour
What should win: Amour

Best Documentary
What will win: Searching for Sugar Man
What should win: Queen of Versailles or that documentary about Chrissy Crocker

Best Documentary Short Subject
What will win: Innocente
What should win: Innocente, because that’s a good title.

Best Live Action Short Film
What will win: Curfew
What should win: Yeah, that one, because that’s what everyone says.

Best Animated Short Film
What will win: Paperman
What should win: Yeah, that one, because that’s what everyone says.

Best Original Score
What will win: Mychael Danna, Life of Pi
What should win: Mychael Danna, because I like the way he spells Michael.

Best Original Song
What will win: Skyfall
What should win: Skyfall

Best Sound Editing
What will win: Zero Dark Thirty
What should win: Yea, that one, because that’s what everyone says.

Best Sound Mixing
What will win: Les Miserables
What should win: Anybody but Les Miserables, because they did wrong by not mixing Anne Hathaway’s voice right out of there.

Best Production Design
What will win: Anna Karenina
What should win: Anna Karenina

Best Cinematography
What will win: Life of Pi
What should win: Life of Pi

Best Makeup and Hairstyling
What will win: The Hobbit
What should win: Les Miserable for giving Anne Hathaway a seriously fucked up haircut.

Best Costume Design
What will win: Anna Karenina
What should win: Anna Karenina

Best Film Editing
What will win: Argo
What should win: Argo

Best Visual Effects
What will win: Life of Pi
What should win: Life of Pi