Let’s Guess Who’s Going To Win That Shit Tonight

I just put my picks in for Dlisted’s Oscar office pool, which consists of just me and my dog. (SPOILER ALERT: He’s going to win.) Since the Oscars are only five seconds away and I like to do everything last minute, here’s who I think will win and who I think should win. I based my picks on what I read at Rope of Silicone, Gold Derby and by asking myself an extremely relevant question: Which nominee would I rather be naked, drunk and lubed up in a room covered in Saran Wrap with. These are my choices.

Best Picture 
Who will win: Argo
Who should win: Liz & Dick 

Best Director 
Who will win: Steven Spielberg, Lincoln
Who should win: Bill Condon for directing Twatlight: Breaking Hymen, Number Two, because he made a Razzie-winning inanimate object named Kristen Stewart actually produce a trickle of human-like emotion (so I’ve HEARD).

Best Actor 
Who will win: Daniel Day-Lewis, Lincoln
Who should win: Joaquin Phoenix, The Master (but only because his character taught me how to make a cocktail out of paint thinner)

Best Actress 
Who will win: Jennifer Lawrence, Silver Linings Playbook
Who should win: Emmanuelle Riva, Amour

Best Supporting Actor
Who will win: Robert De Niro, Silver Linings Playbook
Who should win: Tommy Lee Jones’ Wig, Lincoln

Best Supporting Actress
Who will win: Anne Hathaway, Les Misérables
Who should win: ANYBODY BUT ANNE HATHAWAY!!!!!

Best Original Screenplay
Who will win: Quentin Tarantino, Django Unchained
Who should win: Honey Boo Boo and Mama June, because they gave us the lines of the year!

Best Adapted Screenplay
Who will win: Tony Kushner, Lincoln
Who should win: Chris Terrio, Argo

Best Cartoon Movie
Who will win: Wreck-It-Ralph (yes, I was stoned on something messy when I chose this)
Who should win: The fuck if I know? I didn’t watch any of that cartoon shit.

Best Foreign Language Film
What will win: Amour
What should win: Amour

Best Documentary
What will win: Searching for Sugar Man
What should win: Queen of Versailles or that documentary about Chrissy Crocker

Best Documentary Short Subject
What will win: Innocente
What should win: Innocente, because that’s a good title.

Best Live Action Short Film
What will win: Curfew
What should win: Yeah, that one, because that’s what everyone says.

Best Animated Short Film
What will win: Paperman
What should win: Yeah, that one, because that’s what everyone says.

Best Original Score
What will win: Mychael Danna, Life of Pi
What should win: Mychael Danna, because I like the way he spells Michael.

Best Original Song
What will win: Skyfall
What should win: Skyfall

Best Sound Editing
What will win: Zero Dark Thirty
What should win: Yea, that one, because that’s what everyone says.

Best Sound Mixing
What will win: Les Miserables
What should win: Anybody but Les Miserables, because they did wrong by not mixing Anne Hathaway’s voice right out of there.

Best Production Design
What will win: Anna Karenina
What should win: Anna Karenina

Best Cinematography
What will win: Life of Pi
What should win: Life of Pi

Best Makeup and Hairstyling
What will win: The Hobbit
What should win: Les Miserable for giving Anne Hathaway a seriously fucked up haircut.

Best Costume Design
What will win: Anna Karenina
What should win: Anna Karenina

Best Film Editing
What will win: Argo
What should win: Argo

Best Visual Effects
What will win: Life of Pi
What should win: Life of Pi