Kelsey Grammer Is Going To Be Somebody’s Father For The Fifth Time

The latest woman to take the Grammer last time, Kayte Walsh Grammer, is a new ginger and she’s also got an adorable blank check baby growing in her uterus (Connected? I think fucking so!) Kayte miscarried in 2010, so this time Kelsey’s rep waited until her second trimester to announce to the world that he’s about to add a future member of his Child Support Club. People puts it like this:

This will be the fifth child for the Boss star, 56, and the first for Walsh Grammer, 32.

Grammer is already dad to son Jude, 7, and daughter Mason, 10, with Camille Grammer, Greer, 19, with Barrie Buckner, and Spencer, 28, with Doreen Alderman. He’s also grandfather to Spencer’s son Emmett, 3 months.

Five babies with FOUR baby mamas? Who does Frasier think he is? My dad? No, Frasier is nothing like my dad. My dad’s idea of paying child support was buying me a factory defected acid wash jean jacket from Miller’s Outpost. (Not-So-Fun Fact: My arch rival at SCATS, a gymnastics place and not a donkey punch emporium, stole that jacket from me in the locker room.) Anyway, congrats to Kayte for securing herself a child support check when her marriage eventually ends in a minute or so. Hopefully, Kayte names her baby CamilleYourChildSupportChecksJustGotSmallerBitch Grammer.

This Is Some Parent Trap Shit

Kelsey and Camille Grammer’s custody fight has taken a turn for the gross. TMZ posted a document from Kelsey Grammer’s lawyer to Camille Grammer’s lawyer proposing that they solve their custody issues by splitting the kids up like property! Kelsey wants to draw a line between his 6-year-old son Jude and his 9-year-old daughter Mason, leaving his son on his side. Kelsey wants to enroll Jude in a private school in Chicago and leave Mason with Camille in California. What a wonderful and healthy solution, said absolutely fucking no one except Kelsey.

This mess started last month when Kelsey tried to get physical custody of both chirruns, because he says Camille was making it difficult for him to see them. Camille denies it and blames their issues on him living in Chicago with his child wife. After weeks of trying to work things out, Kelsey pulled the idea of dividing the kids up out of his asshole. Camille has since filed for physical custody, because she doesn’t want to split Mason and Jude up.

Kelsey’s rep didn’t exactly deny it to TMZ, but said this: “Despite the fact that those connected with Camille Grammer seem to be hand delivering confidential documents to TMZ and other media outlets, we will continue not to make public statements about their private matters which can and apparently does beg for misinterpretation.”

Oh, Kelsey, the future Sean Penns of the world thank you for giving your daughter daddy issues that will lead her to seek love and acceptance from asshole after asshole.

Why are Kelsey and Camille fighting over this anyway? It’s not like they’re going to be the ones raising the kids. Camille is too busy protecting Mulan and Kelsey is too busy trying to convince himself that his toddler of a wife is with him for love. Just give sole custody to the 4 nannies and be done with this mess!

Kelsey Grammer Is Trying To Yank His Kids Out Of Camille Grammer’s Loving Arms

Here I was thinking that the real world flame war between Kelsey Grammer and Camille Grammer was completely snuffed out, but he has lit it up again. Kelsey is melting a layer of honey wax off of Camille’s gorgeous dragon face by completely burning her in documents he filed in Los Angeles today. Kelsey wants sole physical custody of their 9-year-old daughter and 6-year-old daughter. They currently live in L.A. with Camille, but Kelsey wants them with him and his new child wife in Chicago.

TMZ reports that Kelsey wants to give Camille visitation rights, but thinks his chirrun will be better of with him. Sources say that Camille is already raising her head and blowing out a trail of haughty HAHAHAs at this move. Camille believes that the kids really want to live with her and Kelsey shouldn’t even get sole custody of her old titty implants since he’s the one who turned around and walked away from his family. Camille wanted to share custody Kelsey before today, but this has made her change her mind.

(Read this out loud in a breathy Camille voice by putting a paper clip on your tonsils and then holding your breath until you’re 2 seconds from seeing black. Then let out a scream whisper). KELSEY, HOW COULD YOU?!

Kelsey has already ripped out Camille’s heart by leaving her for a younger ho. Now he’s trying to take away the only thing she has left (after the millions of dollars in her checking accounts, the mansion, the three Bentleys, the beach house in Hawaii, the diamond closet off her master bathroom, etc..etc..)! If Camille doesn’t have the children, that means she won’t have 4 nannies anymore! Camille’s nannies are contractually obligated to listen to her yammer since she doesn’t have any friends and with them gone she truly has no one! She’ll have to yammer to the walls. Will Kelsey please think of the walls!

Start The Divorce Countdown Clock Now!

As the wax covered porcelain dragon Camille Grammer sit on the floor of her dungeon counting all the millions that Kelsey Grammer passed to her side of the table two weeks ago, he made his checking account weep some more by marrying 29-year-old Kayte Walsh without a prenup in NYC today. The bride wore ivory, the groom wore foolery and the groom’s business manager wore a “…the fuck is he doing?” look during the entire ceremony.

People reports that Kelsey made Kayte his fourth wife at the Longacre Theater, where he did La Cage aux Folles for a year. Kayte was escorted down the theater aisle by a gigantic shovel and an even bigger wheelbarrow. Afterward, Kayte, Kelsey and their guests headed to the Plaza Hotel for the reception. No word if the guests nibbled on tossed salad or scrambled eggs.

Kelsey’s spokeswhore confirms this mess:

“Kelsey Grammer and Kayte Walsh were married today at a private ceremony for family and friends.”

Yes, Kelsey looks like a nervous father who is about to caca in his chonies before escorting his older-looking teen daughter into her debutante ball, but who cares! And yes, Kelsey’s addiction to marriage is eventually going to leave him with nothing but what’s on that curb, but it’s his wallet that’s bawling like my no-no on a Saturday night. Not ours. Camille got hers, so I’m good.

And Now With Less Clothes

And with more foamy heaves rising up your throat. Kelsey Grammer and his child bride Kayte Walsh gave an encore performance of their air kiss of non-passion for Miami this afternoon, but they did it with more nipple. Ish. The paparazzi always seem to catch their kisses at the most bizarre and strangely enlightening moments. This one sort of looks like that part in Ghost where Demi Moore kisses ghost Patrick Swayze. Well, it would look like that if Demi Moore was a piece of hairy steak fat who wore red polka dot bikini bottoms under her trunks and loved to NOM NOM NOM the youth out of her gold digging lover. Okay, so this looks nothing like that part in Ghost.

You’re going to need something strong to cleanse the film of UGH off your retinas. Let Camille be your Visine.

On a serious note: Kelsey Grammer, would or wouldn’t? I’d have to circle “would.” Well, Kelsey’s allergic to prenups, most likely owns a pair of pink crotchless panties and he’s Sideshow Bob!

Take My Lunch Away

Here’s Kelsey Grammer and his future divorce court opponent Kayte Walsh having a private Cacablanca Casablanca moment in the middle of JFK airport yesterday. Kaye’s crossed arms might be saying “meh,” but her lips are definitely saying… You know, they’re saying “meh” too. I mean, this is the problem with some gold diggers nowadays. They are lazy and don’t want to put in the work! The silicone flower Camille Grammer would’ve never let this happen. Camille permanently had her dollar sign goggles on so that she would always kiss Kelsey as though he was a gigantic bar of gold.

But Kayte isn’t even trying to muster out a single drop of simulated passion. Kayte has her lips sealed shut as though Kelsey’s face is the asshole of an antelope suffering from chronic diarrhea. This is the man she’s going to spend a couple of years with before collecting a 7-figure check in a divorce settlement and she’s acting like she’s at the dentist at 8 in the morning. Although, maybe Kayte deserves half a bow since Kelsey isn’t making her sign a prenup. Ho is still going to get paid without even trying. Okay, I’ll give her a full bow.