Category: Kelly Ripa
Why So Subtle, Kelly Ripa?
Just hours after everyone found out that Disney and her co-host of 4 years Michael Strahan didn’t tell her about him leaving their morning show for Good Morning America before announcing it to the world, Kelly Ripa strut out of her townhouse while making sure that the paps got a good shot of the book in her hand. The book was David and Goliath: Underdogs, Misfits, and the Art of Battling Giants, and yeah, I don’t have to really explain what it’s about. But you know, I think that move was a little too subtle. I don’t think everyone got it. Kelly’s hot pocket piece husband Mark Consuelos should’ve dragged out a giant wooden cross with her nailed to it, and as streams of blood (read: grenadine) trickled down her face from the crown of thorns on her head, an actor in a Mickey Mouse costume and another one wearing a Michael Strahan mask should’ve taken turns whipping her. Or she should’ve just come out dressed like Joan of Arc with a Mickey Mouse head stuck to her sword. We all would’ve gotten the point if she did that.
Hell Hath No Fury Like A Perky Morning Talk Show Host Scorned!
Not since the dramatic ousting of Ann Curry has there been an all-caps, bold-faced ESCANDALO that is rocking the boring morning show world. It’s times like these when I wish that I was a stay-at-home daddy. Because if I was, I’d be passing around a sippy cup full of a screwdriver with the other stay-at-homers at the playground as we kiki about this mess and I scream, “Walk it off, shit, I’m busy,” at my kid as they complain about breaking a leg from falling off of the jungle gym.
“Live! With Kelly And Michael” Will Be Sans-Michael In September
I wonder if he gets to take that busted shark costume with him? Probably. If you’re the type who usually starts your day by chugging a pot of coffee while watching Live! with Kelly and Michael, this is going to make you feel things. Earlier today, bowel regularity pitchman Michael Strahan sent out a memo to everyone announcing that after four years as co-host of Live! with Kelly and Michael, he was packing up his things and leaving at the end of this season. I’m sure the Travel Trivia Wheel is planning a goodbye barbecue courtesy of Omaha Steaks as we speak.
Kelly Ripa And Michael Strahan Dressed Up As A Couple Of Brainless Zombies For Halloween
I love that Live! with Kelly & Michael always takes Halloween so seriously, like they’re competing in the Halloween Hunger Games or something. And they should! Halloween is the most important holiday of the year (a close second being National Shrimp Scampi Day). So while the goons over at TODAY are celebrating Halloween by serving up some lazy SNL cringe-worthy realness, (shout out to Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb as a wine-drunk menopausal Wayne and Garth), Kelly Ripa and Michael Strahan were practically popping a hernia to change into 6,748 different costumes. They did Orange Is The New Black! They did Downton Abbey! They did NBC’s Peter Pan Live! They did The Walking Dead! Meanwhile, I’m sitting here wrapped in a blanket with my second plate of cheese trying to convince myself that I’m dressed like Liz Lemon.
But their scariest look was when they dressed up as the gruesome fame-whore twosome, Kim and Kanye Kardashian. Kelly does a pretty good job as Kim – so dead in the eyes! But Michael’s Kanye could use bigger tits, and also a bit more deluded egotism. Although I do love the little attention to details, like the fact that neither of them are holding North West. It’s perfect! My only question is, how did they manage to move Kelly’s bellybutton from her stomach to her ass?
Here’s more of Kelly and Michael slaying Halloween by dressing up as fucking EVERYONE on Live! with Kelly & Michael this morning. My personal favorite? Michael Gelman as Alex! His eyebrow game needs a little work, but that’s nothing a quick hit of Sharpie can’t fix.
Pics: Facebook
Andy Cohen Is A Top, So Says The Silver Fox
I need to turn in my Silver Fox Club membership card, because it’s embarrassing and shameful that my eyes (and other parts) weren’t glued to the TV screen when he talked about gay sex for one split second on Watch What Happens Live earlier this week. This is the biggest crime I’ve ever committed. I can forgive myself for playing Kum Kuntrashian’s iPhone game for 10 minutes (no, I can’t), but I cannot forgive myself for this.
So on Watch What Happens Live on Tuesday night, the Silver Fox, Andy Cohen and their hag Kelly Ripa spilled “secrets” about themselves during a game to see which one of them could make the other uncomfortable first. Kelly started first by asking America’s most serious journalist Andy Coo if his dick wears a turtleneck and if he wants to see her vagina. The Silver Fox didn’t answer Kelly’s question about whether or not his dick is circumcised, but in my professional opinion (and using the information I learned from all the times I put a magnifying glass to his crotch on pictures), the evidence is inconclusive and I’ll have to see it or feel it up close to give my final verdict.
When it came time for the Silver Fox to spill a secret about Andy Cohen, he spilled a secret that isn’t a secret to anyone who has seen Andy on Wendy Williams or listened to him on Howard Stern. The Silver Fox said that contrary to that picture above, Andy Cohen is not a loud, squealing, messy bossy bottom who can cut a beer can in two with his b-hole. Andy Cohen is all top. This revelation courtesy of Queerty:
Anderson: “I know a lot of secrets about Andy. I guess the one that would most surprise people is he’s a top.”
Andy: “Why, you think people think I’m a bottom?”
Kelly: “I don’t.”
Anderson: “Believe me, there’s nothing wrong with that, but I’m just saying I think that would surprise people. And I don’t know this from personal experience, but from conversations I have had…I mean, it surprised me when I heard about it. Yeah, so that’s the secret.”
Kelly: “Why is that a secret? I don’t think that’s a secret. For people who don’t know, at home, do you want to explain what that is? I am a talk show host. I have to get to the answers.”
Andy: “No, I don’t want to.”
Kelly: “Are you sure?”
I’m glad that Anderson answered my next question by saying, “I don’t know this from personal experience,” because I really did not need the image of Andy Cohen topping Anderson Cooper while Anderson licks on Kelly Ripa’s fully erect belly peen. The Silver Fox didn’t answer the “top, bottom or both” question himself, but I guess him saying “Believe me, there’s nothing wrong with that” clears that up. And yes, yes, I still would. I’d still bump butts with the Silver Fox.
Kelly Ripa Admits That She Loves Botox
Despite the fact that her forehead is smoother than the ice under a zamboni and her eyebrows look like they’re being hoisted up by invisible angels and that overall she looks like she falls somewhere between “Rachel Zoe” and “Courteney Cox” on the Kidman Scale of Stiffness, Kelly Ripa has confirmed what anyone with at least one working eyeball already knows: that her face is full of Botox. The love child of Tinkerbell and The Hulk was on Watch What Happens Live on Tuesday where she revealed her “beauty secret” (it’s not a secret if everyone knows, but go on) to a caller:
“Botox. And that’s pretty much it. People are very ritualistic about their beauty routine. I am not. I’m not advocating one way or the other but I’m just saying Botox has changed my life. It’s cut my getting ready time in half…suddenly my eyelids are no longer resting on my eyelashes. I think the key with anything is knowing what you look like and being a minimalist.”
Except when it comes to her belly button, in which case, Kelly Ripa is all “FUCK MINIMALISM – GO BIG OR GO HOME”. Although something tells me she’s given it the Botox treatment too, because that thing is as plump and smooth as a grape.
Maybe it’s because I’m not a scientist and the only thing I really know about Botox is that it can take a normal-looking face and turn it into something that resembles a cheap halloween mask made from melted butterscotch pudding (see: Kim Kardashian). But is it safe to inject it into your eyelids? Ugh, listen to me – I’ll CLEARLY never be a glamorous frozen-faced beauty. What would my plasticine-faced earth angel, Bruce Jenner, say if he hear me asking such dumb questions? “Oh Allison, of course it’s not safe! But you can’t correct what you won’t inject!”