When The Obamas Met The Royals

In a room at Buckingham Palace that was modeled after the lobby of The Bellagio resort & casino in Las Vegas, the Obamas shot the shit with Princess William and Duchess Kate who probably smelled like freshly charred skin and disappointed genitals since they just got back from their honeymoon.

While Kate apologized for her lady-in-waiting Jodie Marsh not being present and Prince William demonstrated with his hands why the hos really love Prince Hot Ginge (just let me believe), the butler in the corner looked at Michelle Obama and wondered if all women in America dress like the flower girl in a My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding (or like a toddler at a quinceanera).

President Obama and Michelle later met up with Queen Elizabeth, her dude, Prince Charles and Camilla. I love that the Queen is totally one of those old ladies who takes her pocketbook with her wherever she goes, even her front porch. Any wise memaw keeps her purse with her at all times, because you never know when a thieving hand (belonging to Fergie) will dip in to snatch a coin.

Sadly, Kate Middleton Did Not Wear This Classic Bridal Ensemble

Kate Middleton doesn’t want the common people of England to ever think that she’s above their commonness, so she decided to not wear the classic English rose bridal ensemble above that drips elegance as much as it makes the angels drip tears over its sheer beauty. Some ladies just aren’t refined enough to carry a bridal two-piece made entirely of pasties. Kate understands this and she played it well by wearing a dress from David Bridal’s “Copycat Grace Kelly” collection. No, it was designed by Sarah Burton of Alexander McQueen. You know, I’ll slide my bitchiness to the side to say that even though I prefer my dresses with rhinestones, peek-a-boo holes and nipple latches, this worked for Kate! Here’s the statement the palace (THE PALACE!!!) released the second Kate’s toe stepped out of her car:

“Miss Middleton chose British brand Alexander McQueen for the beauty of its craftsmanship and its respect for traditional workmanship and the technical construction of clothing. [She] wished for her dress to combine tradition and modernity with the artistic vision that characterises Alexander McQueen’s work.”

A million copies of this are being made by child slaves in Chinese sweat shops as we speak! But to appeal to today’s modern woman, they will chop the sleeves off, plunge the neckline to the belly button, remove the underlay over the breasts, hike up the front and install a built-in-thong!

And this is sort of off-topic, but one of my favorite parts of the ceremony is when Prince William had a little trouble getting Kate’s ring on. At first, I thought SHOT GUN! But then I shook my head at Kate for being off her game. Always dip your finger in Crisco beforehand so that the ring always fits even if a sneaky snatch tries to sabotage you by switching it with a smaller one.

GIVE US TONGUE! GIVE US TONGUE!

In case you missed it (and you probably did since it lasted about as long as one of Gary Busey’s train of thoughts), here’s Princess William and Kate Middleton’s first mouth kiss as married bitches! No lie. I took a long blink and missed the whole thing! I’ve kissed crackhead homeless men with lips covered in a field of warts longer than that (it was the late 90s). See what I mean:

With chompers like that, Prince William should’ve nibbled at her lips, slipped her the tongue hugged her nostrils with his, etc.. etc… You know, given her the Hot Ginge. But instead they gave each other a kiss that was about as sexy as Prince Phillip’s nap snorts. Maybe Prince William wanted to get it over with so he could get inside before the extra wide skin meteor on top of his head burned.

Liveblogging: The Prince Hot Ginge Show (AKA The Royal Wedding)!!!!

I finally made it to Texas after a million delays and unfortunately I didn’t score any street meth like I hoped I would. But some drunken trick in torn jean coochie cutters and a midriff outside of my hotel told me I looked like a “white Bruno Mars” so that was pretty much the only mind altering fuckery I needed this morning. And on to more mind altering fuckery, below is my liveblog of the Royal Wedding Spectacular Extravaganzzzzzz(emphases on the “zzzz”)a with The Morton Report. I can’t promise that I won’t pass out in a puddle of my own slobber and start morningdreaming about skipping through my own saliva pools with Prince Hot Ginge and that wedding cake-wearing puppy. Actually, that sounds better.

But I’ll try my best to NOT do that. My own royal wedding drinking game should help with that. Every time The Queen starts open mouth snoring or PHG throws a “Where is the open bar?” look, I’ll take a shot of the complimentary facial cleanser in the bathroom (there’s no suitable booze in this joint). Now on to this mess (my ass is watching NBC, by the way)!

Speaking Of Terrifying Royal Teefs…..

Some people choose to spend their hard-earned cash on neck acne treatment or tooth gloss, but this 29-year-old plumber from Bristol decided to hand over £1,000 for Prince Wills and Kate Middleton “gnasher tats.” Barmy Baz Franks’ (only a Barmy Baz Franks would do this shit) obsession with the royal wedding led him to a dentist chair where he spent 6 hours getting tiny decals of William & Kate pasted to the front of his chompers. Barmy Baz Franks will spend the next 3 months hearing “Oh, you’ve got a little royal in your teeth” from people who really want to say “Dumbass.”

I just used my credit card to buy my dog a pair of clearance bin bunny ears, so who am I to judge someone on how they should spend their coins? But really? If you’re going to turn your built-in Chiclets (or “mouth nails” as my little cousin calls them) into a tribute to our royal teethnesses, you could at least make sure it looks like them! Prince William looks like Sarah Jessica Parker as Black Swan and Kate Middleton looks like Iggy Pop after a root canal.

And does anybody know if this dentist also does royal decals on another part of the body that is pretty much dead and could use a little dressing up with Prince Harry’s face? <— That brings a whole new meaning to “gnasher tats.”

Attack Of The Royal TEEEEEEEFS!

I’m still politely holding my hands in my lap (I’m typing with my tongue) and patiently waiting for the official royal wedding portrait of Prince Hot Ginge in his official best man uniform of no-coat and all-tails, but I guess I’ll have to settle for this shit for now. Who ever is in charge of releasing official royal wedding portraits of Prince Teefs & Princess Groucho Marx Brows released this official royal wedding portrait of Prince Teefs & Princess Groucho Marx Brows this morning. It was taken by Mario Testino and will go in the wedding program next to this picture, of course.

You know where else this portrait is going? On the front window of every shameless mini-mall dentist who will use it to advertise their teeth whitening services. Don’t be surprised if you see this portrait on a package of bootleg white strips at The Dollar General. This is like a Crest White Strip for my eyes. ALL TEEFS! I don’t know whether I want to wish them congumulations or scare them off with a snake!

Anyway, here’s some completely thrilling and totally clear pictures of Kate Middleton and the fire in my hole PHG waving at me today.