The Photoshop Awards: Newsweek’s Creepy Princess Diana Cover

In honor of what would have been Princess Diana’s 50th birthday on Friday, Newsweek pulled out the Photoshop zombie tool and brought her back to life on their cover next to Duchess Kate. I’d like to call this Newsweek’s annual “….The Fuck Is This?” cover. If Kate Middleton didn’t always have twirling crowns in her eyes, she wouldn’t be making smiles at Zombie Diana, that’s for damn sure.

I once made out with my piece in the parking lot of a church where a relative’s funeral was taking place (AND I wore white socks with black shoes), so I am the last person who should ever comment on shit being tasteless, but really?! Newsweek also knighted itself as Sir Fuckery by including an extra long “What if?” article by Tina Brown, which asks the question no one was asking: What would Princess Diana’s life be like today?

One thing I do know is that if Princess Diana was alive today she sure as hell wouldn’t be wearing a rattan plate charger from Pier 1 as a hat! And hasn’t Prince Hot Ginge been through enough*?!!

And coming soon from Newsweek: If dinosaurs were alive today, would we dress them up in tutus and take them to the groomer to get their anuses bleached?

* Yes, by enough I mean me constantly cyber slobbering all over his ginger scepter any chance I get.

via Entertainment Weekly

Pippa Middleton: We’re Still Trying To Make Her Happen

And now the media’s hungry anuses really are going to fall off from the over-excitement of trying to make Pippa Middleton a thing we all care about, because she is officially single and ready to mingle with publicists who can set her up with famous dudes that will get her into the tabloids even more! I hope you like the taste of unflavored marmalade and stale crumpets, because the most boring lump of boring in Britain is really about to get shoved down our throats until we start shitting locks of shiny brown hair. The “MAKE PIPPA HAPPEN!!!” campaign is in overdrive! Actually, it’s out of gas and we’re all standing around with our arms crossed like, “Nope, I’m not pushing it to the nearest BP.”

People that Duchess Kate’s sister broke up with Alex Loudon who was her date to the royal wedding. A source says that Pippa and Alex are still friends and it’s “common knowledge in their close circle of friends that Pippa and Alex have recently split up.” Pippa has already been seen doing the photo op stroll with her ex-boyfriend George Percy who’s the son of the Duke of Northumberland.

This is the thing, I’m sure Pippa Middleton is a lovely and pleasant bowl of oatmeal and I respect her hustle, but we already have a Blake Lively and we don’t need another one! If you dipped Blake Lively’s hair into brown paint and slapped a British accent on her tongue, she’d still be Blake Lively! There’s only enough Zzzzzzzzs in the world for one Blake Lively!

And I can’t leave you with a picture of Pippa’s basic ass, so here’s a flambe in the form of Prince Hot Ginge’s nipples at a polo match. The media is obviously going to try to put Pippa and PHG together but it’s not going to happen in real life. PHG loves his hos the same way I love my lemonade: freckled, sour and full of vodka.

Duchess Kate Finally Wears A Hat I Can Get Behind (And Eat From)

Prince Hot Ginge, Prince William, Duchess Kate, Prince Philip and Camilla all gathered together to celebrate Queen Elizabeth: The Sequel’s official birthday (which technically is in April) by doing what they do best: smiling and waving while riding in a carriage.

The professional waver and smilers rode through Central London today before they ended up on a balcony where they continued to wave and smile as their subjects. They also busted into a pose that was just begging for a Fergie-loving pigeon to drop a shit bomb on their perfect layer of gleaming white Chiclets. Damn you, pigeons! You disappoint us all.

But someone that didn’t disappoint, FOR ONCE, was Kate Middleton. Kate wore a bowl hat on her head that is perfect for carrying condoms, a litter of orphan kittens, bountiful amounts of fruit and couples’ keys at a key party. Kate definitely had the hat of the day, but Prince Philip’s bear dick hat and Prince Hot Ginge’s Troop Beverly Hills beret were a close second and third.

Prince & Princess Teefs Are Here To Remind You To Brush And Floss

The who’s who of British society – let me stop and start again. The who’s who of British society minus Amy Wino, Jodie Marsh, Pete Doherty, Harvey Price, Alicia Douvall, the cast of Geordie Shore and.. Wait, since I put it that way I should really say that the who cares of British society (that’s better) gathered at the ARK 10th Anniversary gala at Perk’s Field in London tonight to bask in the blinding white glory shooting off of Prince William and Duchess Kate’s teeth. I swear, whenever I see these two I just want to make out with a Chiclet or gently hump my teeth with a Crest White Stripes.

It’s been six weeks since Duchess Kate secured the second most coveted position in the world, Prince Hot Ginge’s sister-in-law (the first being, Prince Hot Ginge’s peen ring), and tonight she and Prince William attended their first evening gala as a married ass couple. Tom Ford, Elizabeth Hurley, Kevin Spacey and others were part of the lucky few who got to see the royal teeth up close.

And Duchess Kate’s dress looks cotton candy slobber, so it works for me.

Aaaaaand This Is Why Photoshop Was Invented

But my Photoshop does not want to play nice. It keeps crashing and I have a sneaking suspicion it’s because it doesn’t want to break royal protocol by taking an active role in all the foolish things I’m going to do this picture. When Prince Hot Ginge opens his mouth wide to scream “MOVE YOUR BLOOMIN’ ASS” at a derby, my Photshop’s hands go up while mine go down. The Queen knows what I’m talking about and she wish she didn’t. I will go to TJ Maxx today and find a pocketbook that looks just like The Queen’s. Then I will smack myself with said pocketbook as punishment.

PHG joined Prince William, Duchess Kate, Princess Eugenie, Princess Bea, The Queen and this slut at the Epsom Derby today. The Queen’s horse technically came in third place, but after she ordered first place and second place to the glue factory, it was given the top prize. But I feel like I won the top prize thanks to all these pictures of PHG making pre, during and post orgasm faces. Prince William’s top hat also gets a prize for taking his hotness levels up a few notches by hiding the dried crabgrass garden on his head.

Vanity Fair’s TEETH Issue

Fuck the whole “future King and Queen of England” shit, these two really have an amazingly successful career in dental poster modeling ahead of them. Look at all those teefs! So big! So many of them! Prince William and Duchess Kate are straight up teeth hoarders and I don’t even mind. This is obviously all part of the royal family’s campaign to dispel the stereotype that all Brits have teeth like a meth-ey llama who brushes with a chainsaw. It’s working!

You know how Prince Charles told Camilla that he wants to be reincarnated as her tampon? Well, I want to be reincarnated as Prince William’s floss. Actually, I really want to be reincarnated as Prince Hot Ginge’s Radiant Red Daily Pube Shampoo, but Prince William’s floss is my second choice.

Above is Prince and Princess Teefs on the cover of Vanity Fair, because they aren’t nearly on the cover of enough magazines even though every grocery store checkout looks like a stalker’s altar to the royal family. And below is the Blake Lively of England, Pippa Middleton, at the French Open yesterday.