JWoww Swears Her Exquisite Face Has Never Been Touched By A Doctor’s Scalpel

The last time we saw Jenni “JWoww” Farley, her face definitely looked a little…off. It was sort of like JWoww was wearing a knock-off JWoww mask from Party City that had half-melted in the trunk of her car. It truly was a “Jesus take the wheel, and drive the car as far away from the plastic surgeon’s office as possible, cause this bitch is DONE” moment. Radar also felt the same way, so they talked to a couple of “doctors” (aka Nick Riviera and the staff at Hollywood Upstairs Medical College) to find out what the fuck she’s been doing to her face. And yes, the general consensus was 50-CCs of Fix-A-Flat injections and a whole lot of NO, STAHP.

But the demure silicone mermaid of the Jersey Shore herself says she hasn’t touched her damn face and what you see is 100% all-natural, so STFU and leave her gorgeous melting candle face alone, haters! JWoww took to Instagram (via Daily Mail) to post a sans-fards selfie of what she claims is her real face along with the following sarcasm-dipped message to Radar:

“Very flattered radar online that u think I had all that work done but I’m just a plain jane mom with wrinkles without makeup… But kudos to u and ur site awesome material… Very riveting”

All I have to say is: HARPO, WHO DIS WOMAN?!!?

My brain tells me it’s JWoww, but my heart says this is an imposter. If JWoww looks like this when she’s at home, then why does she look like the Snickers lady’s long-lost daughter when she goes outside? It doesn’t make any sense! Wait a minute..no, it makes perfect sense. Either JWoww is a shape-shifting rubber-faced Werepanther (totally plasusible) or JWoww’s home is experiencing some sort of plastic surgery-based paranormal phenomenon. On the outside of the house, you look like a Botoxed mess, but once you cross the threshold, your face reverts back to its original form. Call Mulder and Scully, I think I’ve solved the mystery!

JWoww Says Her Vagina Is Closed For The Next Two Years

Jenni “JWoww” Farley, who may or may not be slowly morphing into the Snickers lady’s long-lost daughter, made an appearance on HuffPost Live to promote the horror comedy film she produced called Jersey Shore Massacre (aka JWoww’s New Face). Since JWoww only gave birth to her daughter a little over a month ago, the conversation turned to the massacre that happened when she pushed an 8lb baby out of her Botoxed to the shore and back vagina. The ghost of Rocky Dennis (copyright: The Superficial) said that while everything is back to normal down there, she’s not exactly open for business:

“I’m not going to have sex for another year or two” she told host Caitlyn Becker. Meilani, her daughter, was born five weeks ago, but the reality star’s remained celibate “because doctors advise waiting until the six-week mark.”

Although she and Roger haven’t cozied up to one another since the beginning of her pregnancy, JWoww admitted she’s not looking forward to resuming sexual activity.

“It’s like virgin status,” she affirmed. “[Roger’s] like, ‘Come on!’ and I’m like ‘No — I was stitched. You have to wait!'”

The only thing more unsettling than JWoww’s eye holes (for real, WHAT is going ON with her eye hole situation?!?!?) is hearing JWoww casually say the words “I was stitched” at the 20:00 mark. I just cringed, clamped, clenched, shuddered, all of it. And forget about my vagina; it heard the words “I was stitched”, immediately fell into an unresponsive catatonic state. It’s currently curled into the fetal position on the floor. RIP pussy, it was nice knowing you.

Here’s more of JWoww serving up some entry-level Lil’ Kim realness/melting dollar store cat candle eleganza in New York yesterday.

Pics: Splash

There’s Another Jersey Shore Baby Among Us

So I guess God really did ignore us when during the first season of Jersey Shore, we asked him or her to please turn the Kamikaze shots they were downing into sterile juice and to not let any of them spawn. Because JWoww birthed out another cast member of TTV’s reboot of Jersey Shore in 2034. (Side note: In the future MTV will finally keep it real and change their name to Trash Television). E! News says that in a hospital in the Tri-state area somewhere, a living, breathing human baby is looking up at JWoww’s melting Thundercats Shrinky Dink face and realizing that yes, that rubber Lucky Cat creature is her mother. JWoww IS somebody’s mother.

JWoww gave birth to her first kid, a daughter, with her guido fiancé of two years Roger Matthews at 12:49 ET. Because JWoww is a fame whore at heart, she didn’t waste any time and four seconds after her daughter was pulled out of her body, she released a statement. JWoww’s statement probably came out before her Botox-infused placenta did.

“Jenni and Roger are so excited to welcome the newest guidette Meilani Alexandra Mathews to the world weighing 7lbs and 13 ounces. Meilani and her parents are doing great and are happy and healthy. Meilani is already looking to trade her baby bottle for barbells.”

I was hoping that JWoww would pay tribute to the Jersey Shore by naming her kid Karma-ella Duck Phone Matthews. Oh well.

I’ve said it before, but it’s still a miracle and mystery to me that Snooki, who’s growing a second baby in her Ewok uterus right now, has been in charge of another human for this long and hasn’t traded him in for a gallon jug of gin in a Costco parking lot. So maybe the silicone rose of the Jersey Shore and Roger won’t be the worst parents and if they are the worst parents, at least they’ll teach their kid one very important thing: always maintain a pristine and exquisite eyebrow situation. That’s really the only thing that matters.

And congratulations to JWoww, because now she can finally get the melting Tupperware bowls in her chest re-shapened and she can suck all the baby weight out of her legs since only the thighs of gross fatties touch. 

JWoww Hates How Pregnancy Is Effing Up Her Body

Step off, JWoww’s fetus! If anyone is going to fuck up her clinically-cultivated body, it’s a strip-mall surgeon named Dr. Rad Plastixxx with $199.99 worth of injectable Silicone-Style® liquid vinyl and a rudimentary understanding of shapes.

The long-lost half-sister of SNL’s former porn stars was just starting to perfect her Fun House mirror reflection before she became knocked up, and now the most tragic thing has happened: JWoww’s growing fetus is fucking around with her finely-cultivated hotness. I know – the tragedy. JWoww told Us Weekly that she’s currently knocked up with a selfish seamonkey-looking hotness hater and, while you can’t really tell (because her eyebrows no longer move freely enough to indicate displeasure) she’s not happy about it:

“She loves being pregnant right now and I fucking hate it,” Farley told Us exclusively about herself and Snooki. “I’m not a fan of pregnancy right now with my thighs touching and my boobs changing, but I know it will be worth it and hopefully I get back to that really quickly.”

This is why someone needs to publish an updated edition of What To Expect When You’re Expecting called What To Expect When You’re A Jennifer Coolidge Wax Figure. Then again, it might not be the growing fetus that’s fucking around with her body; it could be the result of all that discount silicone starting to rot and decompose after reaching its expiry date.

Here’s more of alagance and saphistication defined at the MTV Movie Awards on Sunday night wearing a dress that would be deemed “too cheap looking” by the costume department of Dancing with the Polish Stars:

Pics: Splash

The Pristine Silicone Blossom From Jersey Shore Is Knocked Up

Because every Jersey Shore whore is contractually obligated to spawn a cast member for the reboot of Jersey Shore is 2033, JWoww’s got a growing guidoling growing in her womb. Right after JWoww Googled the question “Do I have to stop Botoxing my vagina if I’m pregnant?”  she announced on her website that she’s currently knocked up with the plot for the next season of her shitty reality show with Snooki.

Merry Christmas from within! Roger and I couldn’t have asked for a better Christmas gift this year! We wanted to share this exciting news with you all first because you have been a part of our lives these past few years and seen the love between Roger and me develop and blossom. We are so excited to share this new chapter of our lives with you as we become parents and create more memories with a new addition to our family! Thank you for all your love and support and for being there for us throughout the years! We are extremely happy and cannot wait for our bundle of joy to arrive!
Happy holidays from our growing family to yours!
Love,
Jenni, Roger and Baby Mathews

JWoah (as Joey from Blossom calls her) got engaged to the tattooed bag of orange muscles that is Roger Matthews last year. JWoww will birth out the third Jersey Shore child. Pauly D made a surprise baby this year and Snooki had a son last year.

When we all found out that Snooki was going to be somebody’s mother, I figured that she’d give birth to her baby in a men’s bathroom stall at Karma, trade him in for a kamikaze shot and keep on partying and fucking. But Snooki shocked us all by not being a shitty mother. It’s still a scientific mystery that the world didn’t split into two when Snooki’s son turned one without at least one visit from CPS. I don’t know what kind of mom JWoww will be, but I do know that she’ll raise a truly elegant child. JWoww and Roger will teach their kid the importance of over-plucking and she’ll teach it how to properly work a Spandex onesie with cutouts.

Deena From Jersey Shore Keeps It Natural And Fresh As Always

While the has-beens and lessers were at something called the MTV VMAsomethings in Brooklyn, the real stars were at InTouch Weekly’s Icons & Idols (read: the opposite of that)  party held in the back room of Dallas BBQ on 2nd Avenue in the East Village. No, it was held in some club.

The pores on your face are probably hyperventilating and I’m sure your eyelids suddenly feel really heavy, like they’re holding up 40 pounds of tar-covered tarantulas. Jersey Shore whore Deena Cortese and her natural beauty have that effect on most. A shortage of Bonne Bell foundation was issued in the Tri-state area and that’s because Deena wore every last bottle on her face. Bitch looks like an overused foundation sponge that somehow mutated into a living thing. I kind of want to stick my finger in her 7 layers of foundation and see how far it goes.

She looks like a Danny DeVito wax figure at a really terrible wax museum that wasn’t really popular with visitors so it was re-purposed into a JLo wax figure.

With all that said, she’s really not wearing enough make-up and a dark lip liner really would’ve completed the look.

Pics: Wenn.com