Dermot Mulroney’s Gorgeous Mane Stole The Night Away From Julia Roberts

Meryl Streep didn’t show up to the TIFF premiere of August: Osage County yesterday, because she called in with the sicks (read: she’d rather get stoned while watching Real Housewives of Miami at home). So Julia Roberts and her teefs were supposed to be the great big stars of the red carpet, but that didn’t happen. Because as soon as her My Best Friend’s Wedding co-star Dermot Mulroney swept onto the red carpet, breaths were snatched, mics dropped and hos lost their balance. Dermot’s thirsty, dry Fabio-like mane upstaged Julia Roberts and her ugly period rug dress.

That hair! Dermot Mulroney looks like a really lazy Latin literature professor at  a liberal arts college in the Pacific Northwest who is known for fucking his students in the backseat of his mustard Volvo station wagon. Swoon! I don’t know if he’s growing his hair out for a movie role or if he’s growing it out for a dare, but either way he should keep it. That beautiful beast on the top of his head looks like it gave birth to one of John Travolta’s wigs. I am jealous of the fish skeleton that he runs through his gorgeous hair every day. (He obviously doesn’t pass a brush through that thing.)

Anyway, August: Osage County got mostly good reviews from critics and a bunch of them tweeted about how Meryl Streep is going to get her 4,095,198,184th Oscar nomination. Blah blah blah. Why weren’t any of them tweeting about Dermot Mulroney’s hair?! What kind of humans are they?

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Elizabeth Olsen Replaces Ashley As Mary-Kate’s Date, Looks Thrilled While Doing So

Whenever I see pictures from ~fashun~ events, a cold sense of fear covers my body and a creepier, a cappella version of the Troll Song crawls into my ears, because Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are usually there together looking like two giddy, little evil bridge urchins who are about to ask you to solve an unsolvable riddle. But a strange thing happened at the CFDA Fashion Awards in NYC last night. Ashley Olsen was not there!

Did an enchanted forest giant accidentally stomp on Ashley while she was collecting mushrooms to make a potion with? Was she a guest at that red wedding shit? Did Gandalf get her when she was trying to snatch Bilbo Baggins with her fellow goblins? Did her housekeeper once again mistake her for a greasy hairball that fell out of a cat’s mouth and vacuum her up? Whatever the case may be, Ashley Olsen was not there last night. Ashley and MK’s younger sister Elizabeth Olsen showed up in her place and made the face anybody would make if they had to pose next to a Trollsen while dressed like a warlock priest.

Elizabeth Olsen tried, but she just can’t prune as good as her sisters can. What’s really disturbing is that Mary-Kate can prune even when Ashley isn’t next to her. I thought their prune powers were only activated when they were standing next each other? I guess not. We should all be scared by this.

Here’s a few pictures from last night’s CFDA Fashion Awards, which are like the Golden Globes to the Met Gala’s Oscars. In order after the Olsens: Miranda Kerr, Zang Toi (wearing Kanye West’s next stage outfit), Betsey Johnson, Sofia Vergara, Nicole Richie, Ethan Hawke, Michelle Harper (thank the lord a Kardashian wasn’t there or they would’ve fucked that black rod on Michelle’s head), Zachary Quinto, Jessica Chastain, Linda Evangelista, Ireland Baldwin, Karolina Kurkova, Adriana Lima, Juliette Lewis, Jess from Girls (bitch, you ain’t Martha Graham), Rooney Mara and Kerry Washington.

Now This Is A Real Show

Coachella can go and suck the desert dust out of its cooch, because the real party went down on top of a table at The Gay and Lesbian Center benefit when Juliette Lewis defied the laws of tight white pants by rage squatting during her band’s performance. That bottle of wine doesn’t know whether to pop its cork or sit real still hoping that her crotch thetans don’t suck it right in. I’m no pelvic expert, but Juliette looks like she could Kegel up a suction tunnel so I’m thinking the latter happened. Juliette also wasn’t alone on the table, Cyndi Lauper threw her ass up there during her performance. You know your weekend has been made when you’re staring into the crotch of a legend.

And no, you’re not the only one who is looking at those bottles of sweet sweet nectar like a worried parent watching their toddler play in the sand box around a bunch of rowdy ass brats. Juliette is a poot and scoot away from sending that beautiful bottle crashing to the floor. I’m all for stomping on a table, but make sure the innocents (aka the bottle of booze) are safe and sound first.

Here’s a few more pictures of Juliette and Cyndi hollerin’ for the gays in L.A. last night. Chely Wright, her fiancee, Vanilla Gorilla and Kat Von D also showed up. Hopefully, a bold gay with taste snatched that gutter garbage wig right off of Kat Von D’s head and put it back on the end of a mop where it belongs. That wig is seven pounds of BUSTED.