Ashley Greene Is Always To Blame!

As your ass already knows, one of Mickey Mouse’s prized pieces 18-year-old Demi Lovatooooooo is in a treatment center to deal with “emotional and physical issues.” This we know. Some others things we know is that there’s a dozen blind items that suggest the inside of Demi’s nose looks like the Snow Miser’s lair and that she might be a cutter and that she was bullied in a bad way in school. Well, a source tells E! News that the latter two are among the issues she’s trying to work out in treatment.

Demi has openly talked about how she left junior high school to be home schooled, because a group of bullies kept shitting all over her life. The source says this is what led to Demi cutting herself. And if this isn’t after school special enough for you, the source also added that Demi suffers from bulimia.

Demi was sort of able to hold everything together with an extra-thin rubber band, but apparently that shit ripped apart at an airport in Peru this past Saturday. Demi was in the middle of the South American leg of her tour with the Jonas Bros. when she delivered a meltdown worthy of a very special episode of Full House. Demi got into it with a back-up dancer and then she went after Joe Jonas’ newest beard Ashley Greene. A source explains, “She just lost it right at the airport in front of everyone. The [Jonases’] dad basically said right there, ‘That’s it. You’re going home.’ ”

That Ashley Greene is totally that popular cunt from hell in junior high school who came up to me and asked what I was wearing to the winter dance since she didn’t want to show up in the same dress as me. Fucking bitch. The sad part is, I actually laughed and wanted to give her a slow cap for getting me good. But seriously, I knew Ashley was the prickly cunt who broke the Disney ho’s back!

Demi just needs to look into the mirror and tell herself that while she has a pair of thick eyebrows that could moisten a dehydrated Sharpie, her haters got a thirsty brow area that looks like a Chia pet that has been left in the sun too long. And at the end of the day, brows all that matters. This lady gets it.

Did These Two Make A Baby?

Apparently, Kevin Jonas’ parents haven’t told him the birds and the bees yet, because he still thinks that you can make a baby with a girl by singing “Look Out For Mr. Stork” together in a private karaoke room.

Someone tells InTouch Weekly that they watched Kevin Jonas and his wife of 9-months Danielle Deleasa buy a pregnancy test at a Rite Aid in West Hollywood on September 16th. Maybe this witness saw Haylie Duff and a late-in-life lesbian with a perm buy an EPT together. That would make more sense.

A friend of Kevin and Danielle’s had this to say about the pregnant test shit, “They’re mature for their age, and they want to start a family. They’d consider it a major blessing if Danielle was pregnant.”

More like it would be a major blessing for Danielle during divorce settlement negotiations. NO. That’s just me being a bitter asshole again. If this is true, we should celebrate this wonderful news. It’s still a beautiful gift…..even if Danielle only got knocked up by shoving Kevin’s cum rag up her snatch after his visit with Corbin Fisher.

Do You Hear The Fangirls Cream?

Broadway World says that the virgin moppet known as Nick Jonas will join the cast of Les Miserables in London for three weeks starting next month. And no, Nick is not playing that creepy singing boy urchin who reeks of dead bodies and burnt toe nails. No, Nick played that role when he was a kid. Instead he will play the part of the rebel student Marius. If you have no idea what I’m going on about, just mutter “gay” to yourself and go on to the next exhibit.

Cameron Mackintosh, the producer of Les Miz, had this to say about Nick joining the cast, “I went up to him at the closing night party in New York and told him he was terrific and hoped that one day he would return to play Marius. We’ve been in touch a lot and, of course, since then he has become this world-famous star. He and his father and I agreed that it would be great if he came and played Marius here in London.”

That show is going to be a mess. And not only because fragile Nick is going to accidentally pre-cum every time he feels the vibrations from the moving turntable stage. No, it’s going to be a mess because every crazed Jonas fangirl is going to act the fool in the audience. Screaming and creaming and shit. While you’re trying to fill your soul with heartfelt song (that is the gayest thing I’ve ever typed and that’s saying a lot), do you also want to fill your nostrils with the scent of cooch curd? The poor bitch who always sat next to me in high school during Anderson Cooper’s Channel One news show knows what I’m talking about.

This Is Why You Should Sleep With A Ho Before You Get Married

Kevin Jonas and his wife of 5 months Danielle are already sleeping in separate rooms like old people from the 1950s, and not because she’s sick of the boys he brings home kicking her in the middle of the night. Apparently, Kevin’s loud ass snoring keeps Danielle’s ears twitching all night, so she has to sleep in the guest room.

A source tells InTouch, “Kevin and Danielle had never spent a night together until their wedding night, so she had no clue that he snores so loudly. She loves her husband, but now she sleeps in a guest room when he gets too noisy. They are still crazy about each other. But the snoring has become a big joke for their friends.”

There’s no need for Danielle to sleep in another room. Kevin’s “snoring” is actually his throat wailing for a little peen and his nose howling for the sweet scent of a pair of musky balls. That’s all! If Danielle wants to shut Kevin up, she just needs to shove a peencifier in his mouth. Then she can spoon with him all night long in silence. Marriage saved!

Don’t Hurt Anyone, Joe!

We all know that Joe Jonas’ strut is a dangerous weapon that should be used with caution. When Joe’s foot hits the streets, bitches hit the pavement. So I wonder how many gallons of soda came flying out of mouths and how many pairs of keys dropped when Joe Jonas stomped through Santa Monica Blvd. in West Hollywood yesterday. Joe probably didn’t even notice a thing, because he was too busy singing “My smoothie brings all the hos to the yard” in his head.

Here’s more of Joe Jonas and his trainer enjoying a cold beverage after working out at Muscle Beach. That is probably the gayest thing I’ve ever written (this minute).

A Couple That Prays Together…..

The big gossip around the potty training chair this morning is all about Demi Lavatory (or whatever the hell her name is) confirming that she’s Joe Jonas’ full-time face wig. The two celebrated their love yesterday by going to church.

The truth is, Joe was pouting just a bit, because when Demi invited him to go to church with her, he thought she was talking about the shoe department at Barney’s. Joe didn’t think she actually meant CHURCH church!!! Getting on his knees to hum is not Joe’s idea of a good time. Actually, since I put it that way……