At Least They Can Share Skinny Jeans

When the love between a couple you don’t care about dies, the love between another couple you don’t care about blooms! 17-year-old Demi Lovato, which is also the name of an item you can order off of Starbucks’ secret menu, confessed to Billy Bush that she’s dating fellow Disney whore Joe Jonas. This proves that Mickey Mouse’s pimp game is alive and well. It’s not hard out there for some pimps, apparently.

On his radio show on Friday, Billy Bush asked Demi if she has ever dated one of the Jonas Brothers, and she said some shit like, “Umm, maybe.” After a few seconds of the worst game of back and forth ever, Billy finally asked Demi if she’s polishing Joe’s purity ring. Demi said, “Umm, yeah he is my best friend and he is incredible.”

INCREDIBLY FIIIIEEEERCE is what she really meant. Demi must be one confident girl if she’s able to handle the mayhem Joe creates when he hits the streets. When Joe starts strutting, Miss Jay SITS DOWN! We all know that when Joe cocks a hip, the prostate of every man in a 2-mile vicinity explodes. And when Joe bats his purdy eyes, women tear off their own lashes with their bare hands because they know they can never compete with him so they shouldn’t try anymore.

Although, this is Demi’s last boyfriend:

So it seems Demi can handle absolutely anything. Or she’s got all the best dealers in L.A. on speed dial.

The Jonas Brothers Playing Football….

The new saying is: “You play football like a Jonai.” I’m never one to talk, but I know that if I’m going to handle a ball in a parking lot, it’s not going to be a football.

Here’s more of the Jonas Bros. playing parking lot football on the set of their movie Chasing Butterflies (that one is too easy).

Barf.

Kevin Jonas and former hairdresser (she should just change her name to that) Danielle Deleasa simultaneously queefed out all the gory details of their fairytale wedding to People Magazine and it’s nauseating. The whole wedding sounded like one big promo (rhymes with homo) for Disney’s Princess Collection.

Take this for instance, Kevin said that he chose the venue for their wedding because it looked like an enchanted castle. Kevin also got glass slippers made for Danielle, “I knew that my princess needed her glass slippers and her castle. I’ve never seen a more beautiful bride.”

Danielle said she always wanted a princess wedding, “I couldn’t have imagined this.” Her father escorted her down the aisle to “Bella Note” from Lady and the Tramp.

See what I mean! Kevin talks about Danielle the same way I talk about my favorite bong! Yes, I keep my bong in a lucite slipper. Don’t you? But seriously, why does Kevin keep bending over and making it look good for Mickey Mouse? Kevin got his prostate tapped, so he doesn’t need to whore it out for Disney anymore. Free yourself, Kevin!

Hopefully, Kevin and Danielle’s divorce proceedings are also filled with singing animals and magicalness. Also, Kevin should get those glass slippers in the divorce. They probably look more precious on him anyway.

And in case you’re just joining us, I’m always this bitter.

Kevin Jonas Might Be Getting His Cherry Popped Tonight

22-year-old Kevin Jonas became a husband today after marrying 23-year-old Danielle Deleasa, a native of Planet Haylie Duff. Kevin and Danielle’s wedding (aka their pre devirginizing ceremony) took place at Oheka Castle on Long Island. Danielle wore a gown by Vera Wang and Kevin wore a nervous smile on his face because he knew he would have to try to get his dick to stand up and deliver tonight.

Kevin’s brothers, Nick and Joe, served as his best men. The reception tent was decorated to look like some kind of winter wonderland. And Noah Cyrus was kind enough to entertain guests during cocktail hour with her pole dance to “Smack That.”

Right after his wedding, Kevin told People, “We’re so happy that we’re finally married and we were able to share the special moment with family, friends and loved ones.” And then he started bawling into his own hands, because he realized that he would have to look at a vagina in just a few hours.

Although, it’s a good thing that outside looks like the top of Lindsay Lohan’s coffee table. If Kevin pulls a Tommy Girl by going limp after touching real-life boobies, he could just blame it on the weather. Then they can watch Mean Girls on cable and Danielle, who is a former hairstylist, can tame those beasts over Kevin’s eyes. Hopefully, Kevin gets plucked one way or another tonight.

There Will Be One Less Virgin Jonas Brother This Weekend

22-year-old Kevin Jonas will trade in his purity ring for a wedding ring this weekend when he marries Chinmeister from the Bad Girls Club former hairdresser Danielle Deleasa this weekend on Long Island. Radar says that the two, who got engaged this past July, will get married at a friend’s estate on Saturday.

If this isn’t the gay one (I get them all confused), then the preacher might as well change “You may now kiss the bride” to “You may now bone the bride,” because Kevin will have his pants off before the ceremony ends. Instead of throwing rice, Kevin’s peen will throw coagulated jizz at his bride.

And if Kevin is the gay one, then I hope Danielle doesn’t take it too personally when he locks himself in the bathroom on his wedding night. I also hope she brings a rabbit with her just in case.

Bitch Goes Crazy At A Jonas Brothers Concert

At a Jonas Brothers concert in Madrid on Wednesday night, a dude crashed the stage and took his shirt off while being chased by a couple of bumbling bodyguards. Lauren & Hardy they ain’t!

Hopefully, this dude had a good explanation for his therapist.

Either he wanted to take their purity rings off with his asshole, or he went absolutely crazy from being at a Jonas Brothers concert. It has to be the latter. When he realized where he was, he stormed the stage in hopes that he could rip the cords and stop the fucking madness!

Naw. It was totally my first guess.

via TMZ