Joe Francis Is Going To Be A Father To Twin Girls

And leave it to Litibu the sea lion to make a “Nope, get me the fuck offa this planet” face, so you don’t have to.

While supervising their hos on the ho stroll, Joe Francis and Pimp Mama Kris probably find a little time to talk about the pimp life and share pimp tips with one another, so I’m sure she told him that what he really needs to do is grow his only little stable of moneymakers. Joe took her advice and now a pair of fetuses gone wild are growing in his girlfriend’s womb. The douche creature that mutated out of an Ed Hardy t-shirt after Terry Richardson dropped his load on it tells UsWeekly that there’s an IVF doctor out there who must really hate babies, because they implanted fertilized eggs into his girlfriend’s body. Abbey Wilson says they went with IVF, because they want “healthy” girls and mostly because her ovary eggs kept spitting out every Joe Francis jizz fish that tried to get in.

“We both wanted girls and we wanted them to be healthy and free of genetic diseases so we chose to do IVF. I have always heard women say you just know when you are pregnant and I totally understand that now. Your body, smell, sensitivity and cravings all change and mine did from day one. I found out shortly after a blood test confirmed the results and called Joe immediately, we were both screaming and so loud with excitement from each end of the phone!”

What Abbey Wilson really wanted is to give birth to two bags of concrete who will cement her place in gold digger history and set her up for the rest of her life. Joe Francis also spit up a verbal cum ball of hilariousness that is Katherine Heigl levels of delusion.

“We chose to have girls. I believe people will finally understand my love, respect and admiration for women. I love girls.”

So when Joe Francis bashed a woman’s head into the floor and punched Jayde Nicole in the face, he was just showing them how much he loved, respected and admired them? “Makes sense,” said Chris Brown somewhere. I don’t even know how you can “choose” the sex of your babies. I’m taking that to mean that if Abbey was knocked up with boys, that punchable skid mark would’ve made her get an abortion and try again until girls grew in her womb. Joe Francis truly is an underappreciated admirer and champion of girls.

UPDATE: Apparently, “gender selection” is a thing that exists.

Pic: Instagram

Paging The Makers Of Blackfish! Paging The Makers Of Blackfish!

If that isn’t a “please get me out of this cesspool of syphilis” side-eye from a sea lion, then I don’t know what is.

No, that isn’t Khloe without her weave on. How dare you! That is a tortured, abused sea lion who these shower drain cum clumps “rented” to play with for the day. Radar says that Pimp Mama Kris took her clearance bin boy toy Ben Flajnik to Joe Francis’ house in Punta Mita, Mexico in September and while they were there they rented a sea lion named Litibu from the nearby Vallarta Adventures water park. A few months ago TMZ said that Joe regularly pays the water park to bring that poor sea lion to his house so he and his girlfriend can play with the animal.

Even though Ben has been seen driving PMK’s ugly Bentley and was her escort to the Beyonce concert last night, he still denies slurping the nectar of Lucifer out of her kooch. But who cares about those piece of trash fame whores, somebody needs to #FREELITIBU!

There are some hookers who will gladly let a john poop on their chest for the right price, but no amount of money would ever get them to go into a pool with PMK, the worst Bachelor ever and popped ass pimple Joe Francis. And poor Litibu didn’t even get paid for this and was forced to do it. Will somebody please find a way to let Litibu know that if he’s ever in this situation again, most of humanity will be on his side if he mauls a few of those bitches before escaping to the ocean over yonder.

(Pic via @IAmAbbeyWilson)

Inmates Gone Wild: Joe Francis Is Going To Jail

The dick rash with the most punchable face in America was sentenced to 270 days in county jail today for choking out and beating a woman at his house in Bel Air 2 years ago. A jury convicted Joe Francis of five misdemeanor charges (three counts of false imprisonment, one count of assault by means likely to cause great bodily injury and one count of dissuading a witness from reporting a crime) last May, and in court today, his lawyer tried to get a judge to declare a mistrial. Joe’s lawyer argued that one of his accusers lied during the trial and he didn’t falsely imprison anyone since all of the women willingly went back to his house. The judge wiped out the bullshit that Joe’s lawyer filled his ears with and denied that trick’s request for a mistrial.

The Los Angeles Times says that the judge sentenced Joe to 270 days in jail, one year of psychological counseling, three years of probation and he has to complete an anger management course. The judge and the City Attorney weren’t having any of Joe’s shit during sentencing and they told him that he better put a huge block of ice on his throbbing anus of rage.

The judge told Francis the women “were very credible” and he deserved to be punished by some time in custody and needed anger management for his “temper.” He was ordered held in lieu of $250,000.

“Whether a celebrity or not, you will be held accountable for your misdeeds,” former City Atty. Carmen A. Trutanich said in a statement at time of the conviction. “The victims in this case should be commended for their courage in stepping forward and reporting these attacks, and for not being intimidated from seeing this matter through the justice system.”

The three women met Joe at some club in 2011. He grabbed one of them by the arm and dragged her to his limo. The girl’s two friends followed, because they thought Joe was going to take them back to their car. Instead, Joe’s driver drove them to his house in Bel Air and to make a long and gross story short, he choked one girl out and bashed her head against the floor after she wouldn’t let him take one of her friends to another room. The girls threatened to call the police and he laughed in their faces and told them that he’d never be arrested since he owns the police. Who the hell does he thinks he is? Lindsay Lohan?! The three women left his house and called the police and now he’s going to jail!

Unfortunately, Joe isn’t in a jail cell right now, because he plans on appealing.

Unfortunately, unfortunately, since this happened in L.A., he’ll probably be in jail for 270 SECONDS before he’s released back into the wild due to “overcrowding.”

The judge should’ve sentenced Joe Francis and The Difficult Brown to a day in the same room together. All the doucheness in one room would make them both combust and the only thing left would be two chipped veneers and a puddle of steaming used douche water.

Joe Francis Doesn’t Want You To See His Sex Tape

Oh, irony, you really know how to make me happy.

The douche with the most punchable face in America recently said in a douchetastic interview with The Hollywood Reporter that it’s been reported that his dick is as thick as his head and as inflated as his ego and we might find out if it’s true (it isn’t) or not (it is not). TMZ says that Joe Francis is getting a very special going-away-to-prison gift. A sex tape starring the former head pimp of Girls Gone Wild and his girlfriend Abbey Wilson is up for sale and he’s trying really hard to keep it from touching your eyeballs.

Abbey, being the brilliant mind that she is, kept a copy of her fuck footage with Joe on her iPad and her iPad was “stolen” from her bag at LAX. The footage has several scenes of Joe and Abbey doing it. Joe’s attorney is disgusted by this, because Joe is the only one who’s allowed to make money off of the flashing of other people’s private parts. Joe’s attorney also said this:

“It is not only unfortunate, but it is a crime. As such, this office will take all necessary steps to determine who in fact has done this and who is attempting to distribute the video. When we catch you, we will see that you are prosecuted to the fullest extent of both the criminal and civil laws.”

Maybe who ever’s trying to sell the tape can sell a prison cell with Joe! That won’t be awkward at all.

Assuming that Joe’s not the one leaking his own tape, my throat filled with laughs just thinking of him freak out about everyone seeing his shaved crotch. (You know he shaves his pubes to make his peen look bigger.) But then I stopped laughing and started heaving, because I’m disgusted with myself for actually wanting to see a Joe Francis sex tape. I can’t help it, but for some strange reason I really want to see Abbey Wilson chin-fuck Joe right in the butt. My brain is a dumpster.

Here’s Joe and Abbey at Scott Isadick’s 30th birthday in Las Vegas on May 26th.

Joe Francis Basically Ripped Off Ryan Reynolds’ Exit Statement

After first denying that his 7-week-old marriage is permanently stuck in the septic tank on the Girls Gone Wild bus, titty pimp Joe Francis has now confirmed that the rumor is true and his one-minute wife Christina McLarty has quit his ass for good. Joe issued a statement of words to UsWeekly which is almost the exact same message that Ryan Reynolds and ScarJo left on all of our voicemails after their marriage ended. This is ScarRey’s statement from earlier this month:

“After long and careful consideration on both our parts, we’ve decided to end our marriage. We entered our relationship with love and it’s with love and kindness we leave it. While privacy isn’t expected, it’s certainly appreciated.”

And this is Joe’s:

“After careful and thoughtful consideration on both our parts, Christina and I have mutually decided to end our relationship. We entered into our relationship with love and it’s with love and kindness that we leave it. We wish each other the best for the future.”

HAHAHAHAHA. That shit is the best. So much “thoughtful consideration” was put into their break-up that they couldn’t even push out another ounce of “thoughtful consideration” for their exit statement so they just COPY AND PASTED that bitch! But there’s still a glaring typo. Christina didn’t enter with love. Bitch entered DRUNK AS FUCK and is now leaving completely sober, scarred for life, with broken knuckles (from punching the wall instead of punching Joe’s Everlast-brand face) and a future filled with therapy bills and Silkwood showers.

Joe Francis’ Marriage Lasted Longer Than Expected

Massengill bottles spontaneously popped the day the douchebag of all douches Joe Francis of Girls Gone Wild married his girlfriend Christina McLarty in a civil ceremony in Mexico almost two months ago. At the time, Joe pretty much tried to crown himself the new gay rights leader when he said that they wouldn’t partake in a traditional marriage ceremony until their gay and lesbian friends can. Basically, Joe was just protecting his shit by throwing a rainbow flag around it. But that was definitely a good move, because after only two months, Joe’s marriage to Christina has been roofied and left on the stained carpet of a Super 8 motel. Radar says that Christina has moved out of their Bel Air mansion and is living with her mother.

The source says that they’re not sure if Christina’s going to move back in with Joe, but the way things look right now their marriage is headed straight for divorce. Joe was apparently talking about the split at the Kardashian family Christmas party, “He was talking about the details of the separation openly while at the Kardashian holiday party. Christina moved out a bit after Thanksgiving.”

Joe denied the story to Radar and then he asked to see their tits.

Let’s say this shit is true, then Joe should be proud of himself because his marriage lasted twice as long as any of us thought it would! I mean, just think of having to restrain your fists every single morning from wanting to punch Joe in his highly punchable face after waking up to him? There’s not enough Valium, praying or Xanax in the world to control that urge. It’s as much of a natural instinct as farting in the tub to make a water bubble. Christina probably had to check out before she chewed her damn fists off. So Joe should really give himself a nice pat on the back for proving us all wrong. And by pat on the back, I mean punch to his own face.