What A Big Ass Bag

For once, I’m not talking about Jessica Simpson’s ass. I’m talking about that humongous as the stuffed bowels of hell bag. It’s the Nicki Minaj’s ass of purses. Chestica showed all of us a trick as she strutted through LAX yesterday: If you want to look skinnier, just carry the fattest bag on the planet. Hos will be too distracted from screaming “Look at that fat ass bag! What a fat ass bag!” to look you up and down and analyze your actual ass. Oh, and also wear sunglasses that are bigger than Nancy Grace’s areolas.

After losing more chunk than Ashlee Simpson lost when she chopped off half of her nose, Chestica is in NYC to go on Katie Couric’s talk show and show everyone what happened when Weight Watchers waves a $4 million check in her face. You’re looking at one of the last moments Jessica is breathing in oxygen through her mouth and nose. Because right before she goes on Katie Couric’s show, Weight Watchers will mummify her in Spanx, wrap her in a full-body girdle, cover the girdle with plastic wrap and then vacuum seal her so tight that she’ll have to learn how to breathe through her ear holes. During Katie’s show, a translator who is fluent in Morse code through blinks will stand next to Jessica, because she’ll be sucked in so tight that she won’t be able to move her mouth so she’ll have to communicate by blinking.

Chestica’s Chichis Kept Her From Jogging

Next week, the engineering world will see just how far a cocoon of Spanx can be stretched when Jessica Simpson goes on Katie Couric’s new talk show and shows Weight Watchers what $4 million bought them. Jessica told USA Today that when she was knocked up with Maxwell, she was always in eatin’ mode, because she wanted to fully enjoy her first time with a fetus in her. Jessica swallowed everything including a whole lot of mac ‘n cheese, and the only time she spat something out was when she was chewing on something rubbery and bland and realized it was Ashlee Simpson! That’s the last time Ashlee makes the mistake of dropping Velveeta shells and cheese on her chest.

Eating everything with cheese gravy on it made Jessica gain a bunch of chunk and she says that she weighed 170 pounds when she posed naked for Elle. Jessica’s 5’4″, so that’s your cue to scream, “SHEZA LIAH!!!!!“

Chestica must’ve eaten so much macaroni and cheese that it filled her body and squeezed into her head, because the dumb ass thought that all the weight would just magically come off when she pushed out her baby.

“I didn’t realize it (the weight) didn’t all come off with the baby.”

The only way all that weight would’ve come off during birth is if Maxwell came out of her cooch in a hot air balloon pulled by a herd of elephants wearing inflatable sumo wrestler suits. The bitch was huge.

Chestica says that since she’s been on Weight Watchers, she’s lost weight every single week and she’s only 10 pounds away from her pre-Maxwell size. Chestica eats less than she used to, but she still nibbles on a few M&Ms every once and a while. Chestica walks 60 minutes a day and she can’t jog, because every time she tries, one of the 20 gallon leche balls on her chest nearly knocks her head off:

“My boobs are way too big to run at this point. I’m just walking.”

Chestica knows that bitches are always making fun of her weight and when she walks down the street, people say, “Goddammit! That’s a big fat ass!“ But she’s just a regular woman and blah blah blah…

“I’m not a supermodel. My body is not bouncing back like a supermodel. I’m just your everyday woman who is trying to feel good and be healthy for her daughter, her fiancé and herself.”

“I’m just your everyday woman…” Heffa, shut your mouth on a loaf of Weight Watchers banana bread, because you ain’t an everyday woman. As far as I know, everyday women aren’t paid millions of dollars to lose weight and don’t have an unemployed husband who can take care of the baby while she walks in place as her private chef makes her lunch. Bitch can call herself an average woman when I see her doing crunches in her cubicle before eating a lunch of broccoli slop that she tried to steam in the break room microwave.

Papa Joe Busted For DUI

When Jessica Simpson gets a call on the hot dog phone next to her bed in the middle of the night on a Saturday, it’s usually from a drunken Papa Joe asking her what she’s wearing. But on the night of August 4th, Papa Joe called Jessica Simpson on the hot dog phone next to her bed to ask her to pick him up from jail….and then he asked her what she was wearing. TMZ says that Papa Joe put his Christian pastor values to good use last Saturday night when he drank some of the fermented blood of Christ before getting in his car to drive down Ventura Blvd. in Sherman Oaks.

Papa Joe was driving along when a flashing police siren in his rear-view mirror made whatever buzz he had left in his system slip out of his b-hole, because his drunk time drive party for one was officially over. The cops walked up to Papa Joe’s window and got the feeling that he was under the influence of booze, so they arrested him, took him down to jail and kept him there the entire night. Papa Joe was released the next morning without having to pay bail. Criminal charges against him haven’t been filed yet.

Nowhere in TMZ’s report does it say that the cop tested Papa Joe’s state of drunkenness with a sobriety test or a breathalyzer blow, so I’m guessing the officers just got the sense that he was boozed up. Was it because Papa Joe pulled a Randy Travis and wasn’t wearing pants when they pulled him over? Because Papa Joe never drives with pants on. Papa Joe always keeps it pant-less while driving, because he’s always prepared to tickle his down low parts with one hand as a sexy young piece next to his car walks down the street. And it would be highly irresponsible of Papa Joe to use both of his hands to take his pants off while driving. Maybe the cops figured Papa Joe was drunk, because when they walked up to his window, he told them to squeeze them titties together and shake, shake, shake ’em for daddy, bitch. That doesn’t mean Papa Joe’s drunk! Because both Jessica and Ashlee will tell you that he does that even when he’s sober.

It’s Chestica!

Jessica Simpson took a break from trying to make that Weight Watchers money by dropping 50 pounds of post-baby chunk in 5 months and posed for this Twitter portrait while taking Baby Maxi Pad for a stroll around the block. I know, just pounds of veiny titty balls hitting your monitor. Jessica has the entire Wisconsin milk industry up in there. You know how Salma Hayek single-tittedly SAVED humanity by breastfeeding starving orphans in third world countries? Jessica doesn’t even have to travel to do that. Homegirl just has to point her titty to the air, direct her leche knob to the nearest third world country and squirt. It’d rain Jessica leche all over that country. Seriously, Baby Maxi probably has to put on snorkel gear before she eats.

I’m all for Jessica trying to get attention with help from her magnificent chichis, but this picture is not the look. With her mouth wide open and those deranged bee sunglasses on, she looks like a Bumble Bee Tuna Bee Real Doll.

via UsWeekly 

The Photoshop Awards: Jessica Simpson And Baby Maxwell On People Magazine

Lately, it seems like celebrities have been debuting their baby friends to public eyes for free on Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, Facebook or by creating the image of their baby’s face with fireworks over a blue-lit Empire State Building (that’s how Blue Ivy made her public debut, right?). So it warms my money-loving gene to see that there’s still some celebrities out there with old-fashioned pimp values who will gladly whore out their baby’s first pictures for a suitcase full of neatly-stacked hundred dollar bills.

The moonshine jug in Jessica Simpson’s backyard where she keeps her money is $800,000 fuller thanks to this picture of her 10 pound bundle of baby Maxwell Drew. I know, Maxwell Drew looks so young for a 5-year-old! Who knew that Jessica’s amniotic fluid ocean was the real fountain of youth.

Jessica tells People that she gave birth to MD via C-section, because she had a TEN POUND BABY and she wants to leave the heavy duty birthing to Michelle Duggar’s industrial-strength super vagina slide. Jessica also said this stuff:

“We stare at her all the time,” says Simpson. “We can’t get enough!”

But becoming new parents hasn’t been without its hardships. Recovering from surgery – Simpson delivered via C-section – isn’t easy, she says, and nursing, which she does throughout the day, has become “a full-on job.”

Still, “It’s the worst if I have to pump and give Eric a bottle to give her,” says Simpson. “I miss holding her and having that closeness.”

It’s funny that Jessica didn’t mention that when they broke her water, an amniotic fluid tidal wave poured out with Jonah bodysurfing in it. You’d think she’d talk about that. Maybe she’s waiting to sell that little story to Christian Living Magazine. On a different note…

The ho who Photoshopped this cover needs to intern with Mimi’s personal team of Photoshoppers, because they went too far with Jessica’s face. Jessica should have a natural glow from being a new mother and from being $800,000 richer. Her face shouldn’t look like an inside/out rubber clown mask. For shame.

About The Name “Maxwell Drew”

As the last drops from Jessica Simpson’s amniotic fluid geyser continues to sprinkle on L.A., some people are wondering (not really) why she and that Eric Johnson dude came up with the name Maxwell Drew for a girl. They didn’t name their 10 pounds of baby after Maxwell Caulfield and Drew Barrymore, or Maxwell House and Dr. Drew, or Maxwell Sheffield and Drew Lachey. “Maxwell Drew” elegantly rolls off the tongue like a Chicken McNugget half chewed up by Jessica, but they have a good reason for why they gave their daughter that name. It’s a family names!

Rumor Fix says that Maxwell is Eric’s middle name and his mom’s before marriage name. Drew is Jessica’s mother’s before marriage name. Rumor Fix also says that the name Maxwell means “great stream” and the name Drew means “manly.” Put those names together and you’ve got a real urinal cake breaker! That name meaning shit doesn’t mean anything anyway. My first name means “who is like God” and my middle name means “Jehovah increases.” Some shit got lost in translation somewhere, because that should really be “who is like Trash” and “Bitterness increases.”

Well, now you know the meaning of Maxwell Drew, so you can sleep through the night without waking up to spit at Jessica and Eric for achieving new levels of dumb by coming up with that baby name.

The whole “using your mom’s maiden name as your kid’s first name” thing is not some shit most people can do, right? I like my mom’s maiden name (Note: I will get a tree branch slap to the mouth from my abuelita if I don’t type that), but if I named my kid that, it would have a permanent side-eye and it would learn how to flip me off real quick.