Somebody’s Going To Marry Janice Dickinson

Gold diggers of the world, you now have a new icon to pay tribute to. Janice Dickinson is proving that you can never be too insane or plastic faced to catch a rich ass husband. Take note, Lindsay Lohan. The world’s first supermodel (the world being the bubble of craziness she lives in) tells TooFab that sometime next spring, she will become somebody’s wife for the fourth time and will become a doctor’s wife for the first time. Janice’s piece of a few months Dr. Robert Gerner, who has a cautious look on his face like he’s always prepared to be slapped with a silicone titty bag by a crazed banshee, gave her a diamond Victorian promise ring and he will give her a real engagement ring sometime soon.

Janice and Dr. Robert’s love started blooming a few months ago when they met on a blind date at Chateau Marmont. Janice said she knew right away that he’s the one whose life she wants to ruin and went on to say that “he’s the ying to my yang.” Janice and Dr. Robert recently bought a Hollywood Hills home together and they’re throwing a housewarming/engagement party this weekend. They’ve invited Kunty Karl (no joke), Donatella Versace (no joke), Sandra Bullock (no joke) and Slash (he’ll probably show up).

You’re probably assuming that Dr. Robert is a plastic surgeon, because he obviously appreciates a non biodegradable goddess who has been shellacked a thousand times over, but you’re wrong. The punchline is that Dr. Robert is a psychiatrist. I know, it’s almost as if Dr. Robert is an undercover agent for The Los Angeles County Department Of Mental Health and was hired to lure Janice Dickinson to their “new love nest in the Hollywood Hills” (aka Cedars Sinai Psychiatry Department). It’s a set up! Run, Janice, ruuuuuuuun (but not before you grab Dr. Robert’s empty prescription pad and all his samples of Xanax).

(Pic via Flickr)

A Double Shot Of Elegance

Organic beauty collided with natural glamour at the Rockit Masquerade Ball at XL in NYC last night when the world’s first supermess Janice Dickinson touched her collagen-filled labia lips next to fully functional mannequin goddess Amanda Lepore. Janice Dickinson is this generation’s Jane Russell and Amanda Lepore is this generation’s Marilyn Monroe (sorry, LiLo) and so if you watch Gentlemen Prefer Blondes through a crystal, these pictures are what you’ll see. Or is if it you watch Gentlemen Prefer Blondes while high on crystal, these pictures are what you’ll see? I get confused.

The heat from the lights threatened to turn Janice and Mandy into one giant puddle of melted beef jerky, silicone, liquified porcelain, red rubber and candle wax, but they kept thrusting because the show must always go on.

If you want to know what a Jell-O mold looks like in heaven, get on this NSFWBWAYWAAPTFUGBLT (Not Safe For Work But Why Are You Working At A Place That Frowns Upon Glorious Beauty Like This) link to see Mandy’s exquisitely sculpted chest domes.

Stunning. Fresh. Radiant.

One thing I know for sure after looking at these pictures of Janice Dickinson on the beach in Malibu yesterday is that when I’m 56 years old, I hope I too have zero fucks to give and will strut out in public no matter what.

Who cares if people won’t sleep tonight, because Janice looks like one of the cave creatures from The Descent in a two piece! Who really cares if scientists would like to poke at Janice, because she looks like a mutated piece of overcooked steak fat that fell in a vat of acid! Who cares if it looks like all the muscles inside of her body are scurrying for the next exit! Who cares if I was Jerry Hall I’d have the weirdest lady boner right now! Who cares if Janice is leaving people confused, because she doesn’t have a sales tag from Wilson’s Leather sewed onto the back of her neck! Who cares if the bottle of SPF lube I keep next to my desk for outdoor fapping just dried up when these pictures hit my screen!

Who cares, because Janice certainly doesn’t! And yes, if Janice Dickinson introduced herself to me as Iggy Pop, I so would.

Janice Dickinson Is Getting On This

Janice Dickinson has armpits like Hugh Hefner’s ass crack, skin like chitterlings, is crazier than a shit house fox with fish tits (that’s the saying, right?) and yet she’s still rubbing her Tupperware titty balls on this shit right here. Yes, when Janice’s piece kisses on her collagen slivers, he’s using his eyes to make sure the paps are getting his good side, but still! Some walking beef jerky sticks get all the semi-hot dick! I swear.

Is it just me (yes) or does Janice’s piece look like he was just unfolded? Because his hair part, between-the-eye-crack and butt chin all line up. It’s like you can fold him up and take him with you everywhere. Whatever contract Janice signed with the devil, I want the same one.

How Did This Beauty NOT Win American Idol?

I’ve said this before, but without Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul, I just couldn’t get into this season of American Idol. I’m being generous when I say that I probably watched an hour of the entire season. But I did watch last 30 minutes of last night’s finale and went through the pictures from that mess this morning. And after doing this, my question is: What is wrong with this country?! Why didn’t Naima Adedapo wrap that shit up last night? Who could deny a vote to an alien who looks like she plays the role of Claudette Wells in the reboot of Square Pegs that only shows in Venus? This is a travesty! I have no idea if her singing voice sounds like a deaf hyena getting choked out while trying to make a pigeon call, but American Idol hasn’t been a singing competition for a long ass time. It’s a really a competition to see whose family members can put together the largest speed-dialing calling center.

Seriously, it seems like whenever they go to the contestant’s hometowns, they always show their friends and family DIALING FOR THEIR LIVES in some restaurant that has been turned into campaign headquarters. American Idol should only count votes from rotary telephones, because people should have to work for that shit. I want to see somebody’s grandma flip the hell out every time she dialed the wrong number and had to start again.

Anyway, Scotty McCreery won American Idol last night. If you ask me, the only competition he should’ve won is America’s Next Top Mad Magazine Cover Model. Yes, I watched him sing a bit, and nope, didn’t do it for me. In fact, he McCreeped me out a bit.

Scotty looks about 30 seconds out of the womb and he has the voice of A MAN! There’s a reason why balls don’t drop during infancy. It’s so that your baby doesn’t sound like Barry White. But that’s just me hating again. I’m sure Scotty McCreery will have a career as big as the last ho who won American Idol. Whoever that is.

Here’s a few pictures from last night’s finale. The theme of the night was obviously: LOOK A MESS! In order: my beauty icon, Scotty with the second place girl, JLo’s bedazzled vag, Broke Lewis, Carrie Underwood, David Archuleta, Jack Black, Janice Dickinson, Lil Jon, Aunt Becky, Randy Jackson and Tim McGraw (I so would).

Janice Dickinson Is A Natural Goddess

Today’s morning delight is brought to you by the goddess of mess herself Janice Dickinson and her triple stuffed Hershey Kiss cookie tits. Before you click on the NSFW (unless you work in the office of a plastic surgeon who specializes in wandering nipples) version of this glorious portrait, you should be warned that doing so might cause you to spend the better part of your day trying to figure out what Janice’s Tupperware bowl boobies remind you of.

One minute, they look like Homer Simpson throwing a single side-eye at Bart. The next minute, they look like Cookie Monster staring at a cookie dangling next to his head. Janice has the Rorschach test of tits. Rorschach tetes!

Clear your day (and your throat) and CLICK!

via WOW Report