What In The Hell Are You Doing To Your Tits?

Malin Akerman brings the T, you bring the shade.

While flipping channels last night, I stopped on CBS to watch the People’s Choice Awards and as soon as Malin Akerman popped up on my screen with her tits looking like two sick kids staring sadly out the window at the healthy kids playing in the front yard, I said “nope” to myself and kept it moving. Malin Akerman’s pocket hottie husband filed papers to legally quit her ass last month and I am all for dealing with a divorce by putting your chichis out, but this is not the way to do it. Bitch’s chichis look like they had a serious fight and the right one drew a line between them and told the left one to stay on its side of the chest. Aunt Sassy does not want this for you, Juna! (That’s a The Comeback reference for the three of you who watched that masterpiece.)

It looks like she put on her dress backwards, but the back of her dress is pretty much backless except for a long strip, so she didn’t wear it backwards. But she should’ve and slapped on some pasties that matched the fabric of her dress. It would’ve been a better look and I wouldn’t have the urge to organize a march or a rally to free her imprisoned titty balls.

Here’s tons of pictures from that shit last night. A tip: Just take your eyes to Kat Dennings’ powdered dough ball chichis and keep them there. Almost everything else is a wreck.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

And Now For A Lesson On Whale Sharks From Professor Terror Reid

Since Shark Week isn’t compete without a visit from 2013’s comeback king and queen, Steve Sanders and Tara Reid of Sharknado, they were both on Discover Channel’s late-night live show Shark After Dark last night. The original Hollywood train wreck proved once again that Taradise was killed off way too soon, because this mess is best when she’s rambling out some jacked up shit that makes your brain cells want to commit suicide. Tara took her appearance on Shark After Dark extremely seriously and she did some important research so she wouldn’t sound stupid. (Side note: If Tara Reid Googled, “How does Tara Reid keep from sounding stupid,” she would’ve learned that the only answer is, “She keeps her mouth shut.”)

During her research adventures, Tara learned that the whale shark exists in the ocean. When Tara asked herself, “Whale sharks: How do they work?”, her answer was that when a whale and a shark fall in love, they swim off to the darkest part of the ocean and consummate their love by doing lines off of each other’s sex parts before doing it bareback-style. Nine months later, one of them gives birth to a whale shark! Makes total sense, right?

Well, when Tara kept doing more search, she learned the real truth and it nearly blew the vodka out of her ears. Warming Glow transcribed it all:

Tara Reid: Today I was like, “I don’t wanna, like, really sound stupid when I do this show today.” So I learned a little education on sharks. So I look up sharks on the Internet and I’m, like, “WHALE SHARKS… so that must be when a whale and a shark have sex.’ Then I think “Well, how does a whale and a shark have sex?” And then I looked it up…

Host: Was there a video of it?

Tara Reid: No, but there’s a thing called whale sharks, so I thought they must, you know … And then I realized that whales are mammals and sharks are animals, so they have nothing to do with each other…

Ian Ziering: You ever see a tiger shark?

Tara Reid: [undeterred] … so, basically, the dolphins have sex with each other, but the sharks don’t, so I thought, “Then how is it such a thing?” But the difference is the whale shark is the biggest shark in the ocean, but it’s also scary, and then you have the Great White and it’s all … there’s like 400 types of sharks. But the whale shark is kinda interesting because … [mumbles]

Host: I know EXACTLY what you’re talking about.

The look on Steve Sanders’ face as Tara Reid rambles out some fuckery about whale sharks is everything.

Who knew that current day Tara Reid is just like 5-year-old me. When I was younger, I really thought that cats were girls and dogs were boys and kittens were their daughters and puppies were their sons. The day I found out the truth, my mind blew the same way Tara Reid’s mind blew. And yes, that day happened last week.

via Gawker