ICYMI: President Obama On Between Two Ferns With Zach Galifianakis

President Barack Obama appeared on Zach Galifianakis’s fake-ish/real-ish talk show Between Two Ferns to promote the Affordable Healthcare Act website and generally be very Obama-y. But I forgot everything important he was trying to say the second they started throwing POTUS-level shade at each other, and I loved it even if it is obviously scripted to hell and back (I don’t doubt Barry can read a bitch, but unless he spends all of his downtime watching Drag Race clips, he’s not that quick).

The video is six-and-a-half minutes long, which in internet video time is like watching the fucking Lord of the Rings movies back to back, (perspective: you could literally re-watch that slutty iguana make out with a golf ball 13 times) but it’s worth watching the whole thing just to see Obama make the same exasperated over-it face he probably makes every time an email from Sarah Palin pop up in his inbox.

The Texas T-Rex Thanked Everyone But His Bongos In His Acceptance Speech

I get that it’s probably super overwhelming to hear Katniss Everdeen call your name after opening the fancy Oscar envelope, especially if you’re always two stoned sheets to the wind like Matthew McConaughey, but there’s no excuse for forgetting to thank your loved bongos. They’ve stood by him since the very beginning, encouraging him to JKL (just keep livin’) when the haters in his life were telling him to put on a shirt and get out of the sun before his facial skin turns into a piece of KFC Extra Crispy. Those bongos made you who you are today; a perpetual stoner with a severe shirt allergy who wrapped up his Oscar speech with “Awrite Awrite Awrite”.

I’m going to give the Texas T-Rex the benefit of the doubt on this one, because I’m sure if he had an extra minute of time, he would have no doubt thanked his bongos, the Ziploc bag in his freezer of the good shit, and that claw-thing Camilla gave him for Christmas that helps him reach stuff. But he only had 3 and a half minutes, so he had to make the most of it.

And make the most of it he did! I managed to stay mostly-sober for the 3 hours leading up to Matthew McConaughey’s win for Dallas Buyers Club, but I got so high from his first “Yeahahawww, thank you” that I started begging my IKEA floor lamp to run to Taco Bell and order me 8 Doritos Locos taco stuffed with cinnamon twists. Everything about his speech took me higher: from his impromptu TED Talk on God and the amazing visual of his Ghost Dad drunkenly dancing around a pot of gumbo in his underwear, to thanking his exquisite Texas Topaz mother and getting choked up over his wife. Stay sweet, stay stoned, never change.

Here’s more of a cleaned-up Wooderson with his wife Camilla, who gets two-thumbs-up from me for walking the red carpet in a pink Snuggie. She’s following the one rule I have about fashion: it should be comfortable enough to easily accommodate a nap.

(Pics: Wenn, Splash)

Sorry NBC, But You’ll Have To Find Another Horny Hillbilly Rodent To Play Tinkerbell

I would rather choke on my own tongue pic.twitter.com/fVUQTCwrb9

— Miley Ray Cyrus (@MileyCyrus) February 24, 2014

Somewhere in Malibu, Julia Roberts just crossed Miley Cyrus’s name off her shit list. “That’s right; nobody plays Tinkerbell but me, bitch. Danny? Send a memo to NBC telling them I ~might~ be available for Peter Pan.”

File this under Unexpected Surprises; today I’ve learned two things I didn’t already know about Miley Cyrus, and both of them make me like her just a little bit more. I know, I must be inhaling the same fucked-up airplane glue as Riccardo Tisci. The first thing I’ve learned about Miley is that, despite evidence to the contrary, she has at least one working brain cell that’s able to separate shitty decisions from true career killers (if you’ve only got one brain cell left, that’s the one you want). On Monday, Miley tweeted a picture of a tabloid story that claims she’s “determined” to land the role of Tinkerbell in NBC’s live broadcast of Peter Pan with the caption: “I would rather choke on my own tongue.” Oh Miley, don’t choke on it. It’s so toxic it would rot a hole though your trachea and you’ll have to sing through an electrolarynx like Ned from South Park.

And the second thing I learned about Miley that makes me like her is that she eats Kettle Chips. Kettle Chips are friggin delicious, so I refuse to throw shade at anyone with good taste in snacks,  And yes, I was able to spot a blurry brown shape in the upper lefthand corner of that picture and correctly identify it as a bag of Lightly Salted Kettle Chips. Never underestimate the power of my processed sodium addiction and Rain Man-like ability to find fried foods.

Brian Williams Is Back And This Time He’s Robo-Rapping “Rapper’s Delight”

Everyone in my contacts list should prepare to receive an email from me sometime this afternoon with the subject line “FWD:FWD:FWD: This be my jam, foolios LOL!” because I am your mom and this video of Brian Williams sing-talking the lyrics to Rapper’s Delight is my world right now. I’ve already bookmarked the link in my folder marked ‘funny video YouTubes’ and uploaded an electronic music file to my iPod shuffle player so I can listen to it in the car on the way to Zumba. At least I think that’s what I did; I might have to get my nephew Kaiden to help me the next time he comes over to cut the grass.

Jimmy Fallon has been really swinging for the fences this week on The Tonight Show; not everything he’s done has been been a home run (what baseball analogy can I use to describe a useless jizz-crusted porno-troll?). But last night he hit it out of the park (last one, I promise) with another video of NBC news anchor Brian Williams rap-style speaking. I loved Brian Williams robo-rapping Regulate, and I loved Brian Williams robo-rapping Straight Outta Compton, so I knew I’d surely love Brian Williams robo-rapping Rapper’s Delight. But what I wasn’t prepared for was the appearance of special guests Lester Holt (who’s on-again/off-again glasses got me all confused like a dumb baby) and perpetually-drunk angel KATHIE LEE GIFFORD.

Dear Jimmy Fallon: I don’t care if you save it for sweeps week or whatever, but I think it’s pretty obvious that the world needs a Kathie Lee and Hoda version of Still D.R.E.

Prepare The Bridal Spanx, Christina Aguilera Is Getting Married!

Something tells me this wasn’t a surprise engagement; those 8 layers of SprayGlo are giving you away, Xteeny! You’d think that a woman who’s been coating herself in Industrial Grade Foundation-Style Spackle™ for so long would know that you need to allow each coat to dry before applying the next so that it doesn’t cake up around your knuckles and make it look like you just finger-banged Scooter from The Muppets.

With yesterday being Valentine’s Day, I had a small bet with myself to see which couple was going to get engaged, because predictable hos ALWAYS gets engaged on Valentine’s Day, Christmas Day, and Halloween (well, at least Pete Wentz types). I had $50 on Beelzebub finally making an honest hag out of Kris Jenner, but I should have put it on Xtina and her boyfriend Matthew Rutler! Last night, Xtina picked up a wifi signal on Gilligan’s Island and tweeted “He asked and I said….” followed by this picture of their two hands and dat ring. Speaking of, that’s a pretty nice ring for a dude who hasn’t worked since 2011. No! I’m sure her fiancé totally picked it out and paid for it himself (dat sarcasm).

I have a real soft spot in my black heart for Xtina (she gets an automatic pass forever because of this) so if she’s happy, I’m happy. Although, secretly I’m also happy because I know that if her wedding to Jason Bratman was any indication of future behavior, this next wedding will be an uncontrollable mess. Her first wedding dress was understated version of something from My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, and the reception was like a Sauza-soaked New Jersey bachelor party, so I’m looking forward to Xtina throwing the words ‘classy’ and ‘demure’ out the window this time around (cut to her in the attic dusting off her old satin bridal coochie cutters).

(Pic: Christina Aguilera)

Our Prayers Have Been Answered! It’s KEVIN GNAPOOR!!!

Did I wish this into existence with some kind of weird black magic juju? Hold me, I’m scared! Literally a week ago, I casually mentioned that Lindsay Lohan and Damian’s mini-Mean Girls reunion was nothing without bad-ass M.C. Kevin Gnapoor (birth name: Rajiv Surendra, but I think we can all agree he should just do the world a favor and legally change it to Kevin G), and then this morning Blohan posts this picture of the three of them to Instagram with the hashtags: #youcantsitwithus and #soquiche.

So not only did Linds grant my wish of seeing Kevin Gnapoor and the power and the glory that is his hair (it looks like a basket of tiny sleeping black lab puppies), but she also threw in a Ja’mie: Private School Girl reference? Did my heart just melt a bit for Blohan? Do I like Blohan now? WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING, YOU GUYS??

(Pic: Lindsay Lohan)