The Deaner Got A Tattoo Of Tori Spelling’s Wedding Vows

If this picture of The Deaner showing off the greasy goods doesn’t make you crank up the “Sexy and I Know It” and grab a bottle of maple-scented lube, then you need to check your pulse, because you’re probably dead. I had to bust out a Shamwow to wipe away all the steam on my computer screen after viewing this TOO HOT picture of The Deaner and his beer locker. Dear Merriam-Webster, here’s your definition for DILF.

On Tuesday night’s reunion episode of True Tori, The Deaner proudly reminded us of his status as the most dedicated gold digger in the game by revealing that he’s added to his growing collection of Tori Spelling-themed tattoos by getting her wedding vows written on his ribcage. Even though Tori traded in her wedding vows a long time ago in exchange for the Attention Whore’s Creed, The Deaner claims it was important to have a permanent reminder of his commitment to Candy Spelling’s cash Tori:

“I’ve broken these vows. It’s a gesture of a new beginning and I will never break these vows again.”

Of course, Tori thought it was a beautiful gesture, since 3 years ago she got a tattoo of The Deaner’s vows on her ribcage (“You sure?” – everyone in the tattoo shop that day). You know, I believe I have a copy of The Deaner’s vows right here:

“I, The Deaner, take you, Donna Martin, to keep it sleazy from this day forward, whether you know what’s crappenin’ or not, to try my best to hide all the times The Deaner’s peener goes looking for strange (raises hand to get a high-five from the priest), till the check clears on that sweet Spelling pay day do us part.”

Then he pulled out a cock ring, placed it on his own dick, and said “I now pronounce you the fuckin’ man, Deaner! Now who wants to get hammered drunk and hit on the bridesmaids with me?!?”

Halle Berry Says Her New Baby Is Sucking The Life Out Of Her

And now we know the face her nipples make when they see the rabid leche-hungry jaws of Halle Berry’s baby coming at them. Let’s see if we can’t get #Pray4Nips trending on Twitter, and when you get a second, call your mother and apologize profusely for destroying her titties (I’d say you should send over a muffin basket, but something about all those dry crusty pointed domes feels inappropriate).

I learned three things from Halle Berry during her appearance on The Ellen DeGeneres Show on Tuesday. The first is that when you have a baby at 47, they refer to it as a “geriatric pregnancy”. Yes, I just imagined a knocked-up granny interrupting bingo hour at Shady Acres to announce: “Excuse me, it appears I’ve either wet myself or my water broke!” Second, I learned that I need to start drinking whatever rare virgin dolphin oil Halle is drinking, because THAT’S 47?? Every wrinkle on the back of my corpse-looking hands just screamed at me to start taking care of myself.

But third, and most importantly, I learned that Halle Berry better stock up on that dolphin oil (Costco?) because her 7-month-old baby Maceo is bound to suck every ounce of life out through her titty spouts. Halle says that when her first baby Nahla was nursing, she drank like a dainty supermodel and gave her nipples plenty of time for Calgon baths and yoga retreats and shit. But second baby Maceo is a demon straight from Satan’s peen hole who chomps on her poor boobulars like he’s trying to get at the breast milk from her first pregnancy. And yes, that’s the face Baby Maceo makes when he’s feeding. You can see it for yourself around the 2:30 mark:

And now I must go set my hair and put on some White Diamonds, as my nipples are taking me out for a nice steak dinner as a way of saying thanks for treating them real good and never snagging them against a set of sharp baby teefs.

Japan Continues To Win The WTF Food Olympics By Creating Vegetable Ice Cream

While Canada is carelessly stacking pizzas on top of each other to to create a disgusting meat and cheese sadness orgy, and America is saying “fuck it” and just shitting pizza toppings all over piles of fried chicken, Japan is out there trying to postpone our impending heart attacks by making garbage food just a little less terrible for you. Bless your little Hello Kitty heart, Japan.

In an attempt to make ice cream just a bit better for you, Häagen-Dazs Japan has released two new ice cream flavours that combine delicious ice cream with boring vegetables (sounds like a match made in Hell). The “Spoon Vege” ice creams will be released in May, and flavours include Carrot-Orange and Tomato-Cherry. But regardless of which flavour you choose, you should make sure to keep the cup it came in, because you’ll need something to collect your barf (what I’m trying to say is, these look super gross and will probably make you vomit).

And yet, I know that if I lived in Japan, I’d end up buying these all the time as a way to convince myself I’m eating healthy (cut to me scooping Spoon Vege ice cream into the trash and using the empty container as a Crunchy Cheetos holder).

via Buzzfeed

…And Now For A Story We Can All Relate To

If you’ve ever looked at a picture of Kim Kardashian and found yourself feeling the same way you did that time you ate a rotten Filet-O-Fish sandwich, take comfort in knowing that you’re not alone. According to The Daily Mail, an Exeter man named Mike Amess (oh, he’s a mess, alright) is claiming that he’s developed a phobia of the Kardashians, wherein he breaks out in a cold sweat if he hears their voices, and that the sight of a semi-nude Kim will make him vomit. Someone needs to tell Mike Amess that that’s not a phobia, that’s just called being human.

The 24-year-old said it all began back in high school, when he watched Kim’s sex tape in an attempt to try to repress his sexuality (oh, big mistake, Mike Amess; that’s like trying to get over your fear of the ocean by watching JAWS):

“I downloaded the video and watched it secretly in my bedroom. But the sight of Kim writhing around with her huge bum and the sound of her horrible high-pitched wailing repulsed me. By the end of the tape, I had burst into tears. The experience left me terrified and I never wanted to see Kim’s face again. I have come to terms with my homosexuality now but my dread towards her has never left.”

Mike Amess claims that his phobia has only gotten more traumatic over the years, due to the fact that Satan’s shameless hookers are everywhere, and while he tries his best to avoid triggers like television, magazines, and Craigslist postings for dumpy-looking slug prostitutes (hey, even snails need to get laid), sometimes he’s unsuccessful, like when Kanye West released Bound 2:

“One day, I was lazing about on the sofa in front of the TV. I was skipping through music channels and that video came on. Seeing Kim naked, with her boobs bouncing about like that brought back memories of that horrendous sex tape. Before I knew it, I was sweating like a pig and throwing up.”

“We can totally relate” – the crew from the Bound 2 shoot.

A doctor, who does not treat Mike Amess, claims that while his phobia is super-rare and proooooobablyyyyy made up, there is a chance he is actually terrified of the Kardashians and Mike Amess should get some therapy so he can eventually change his name to Mike LessOfAmess.

And regardless of whether or not Mike is telling the truth (he’s probably not, but I love him anyways) he should get help, and if there’s one person who can cure you of your phobia fears, it’s Maury Povich and a dude dressed up as whatever you’re afraid of. Quickly Maury! Dress a staffer up as a nasal-voiced, fake-assed porn star and help Mike Amess!

Excuse My Itchy-Looking Drunk Melted Basketball Beauty

I have been sitting here for 20 minutes trying to think of something nice to say about Tan Mom, and all I could come up with is the following:

– Her eyes are in the right place
– She is wearing black, and black is a color
– We can’t see any active sores or lesions, so that’s good
– It appears she’s not attacking a drag queen

Even that last one is a bit of a stretch, since I can’t confirm what she did before or after this picture was taken. But if we know anything about Tan Mom – and trust me, we know too much – it’s that she probably got drunk and tried to fight something other than her own personal demons.

For those of you looking at this picture and thinking ‘To what do we owe this awful, filthy-looking pleasure?’ Tan Mom graced everyone with her presence last night at Howard Stern’s 60th birthday party in New York. I guess Howard had a spot to fill on his guest list under the column marked ‘drunk-as-fuck sadness piles’ and since White Oprah’s too busy penning the Great American Novel, he sent a cab over to New Jersey to pick up the next best thing.

And Tan Mom didn’t disappoint; she rolled up to the red carpet looking like a wasted Goldie Hawn hand puppet took a shit on a crate of rotten clementines. She also drew the number 60 on her arm, although it looks more like she had started writing GO but fell asleep before she could finish writing GET ME HELP. As for her mouth: I didn’t know Tyrone Biggums made lipstick. But all of this pales in comparison to when she dropped to the floor to fix her shoes and flashed her Tan Snatch on the way back up. You can see the crotch shot below, and my gut instinct tells me it might be NSFW, but truthfully – I’m not entirely sure we’re even looking at a crotch. It’s more of a David Lynch-ian oven-roasted chicken wing.

(Pics: Splash)