But Who Will Get Custody Of The Trashy 50-Year-Old Groupies??

Pour out a can of Coors Light for the dirtbags and the dirtbag-adjacent in your life, because today is the day the music of a thousand parking lots and monster truck rallies died. According to TMZ, Poison’s glue-sniffing, pussy-obsessed, good at fixing cars and getting two girls pregnant at the same time younger brother, Mötley Crüe, are getting a divorce. Did you just hear that? It’s the sound of thousands of metal dudes dragging a trash can into the yard so they can throw a book of matches and a bottle of lighter fluid to their acid wash jean jacked with the Theatre of Pain patch on the back. Then, while it’s still burning, they’ll retreat to their Pontiac Fiero to blast Home Sweet Home and cry. I’m sorry Darrell and Steve and Randy; what god giveth, god taketh away.

The band held a press conference today in Hollywood to announce they were hanging up their 30-year-long open penicillin prescriptions to retire to Paradise City (where the grass is green, the girls are pretty, and Axl Rose is the head of the Department of Sanitation). Of course, they’re getting in one last tour before they officially officially retire, because coke and hookers don’t come cheap. So you still have one last time to see Tommy Lee mouth the words ‘do it for the groupies’ over and over again as he clings to life on that drum kit roller coaster.

And the only good thing to come out of their retirement is that Vince Neil will now have enough time to follow his true calling: acting as a cautionary tale/ghost of christmas future for young sluts like Adam Levine. “Trust me kid, that rash won’t go away. By the way, did you know that you can get pink eye from snorting coke out of chick’s asshole?”

Here’s What A Bunch Of Long-Dead Rock Gods Would Look Like Today (You Guessed It: OLD)

One of the things that suck about celebrities dying in their 20s is that we never get to see them become boring has-beens who record terrible Christmas albums or make a sad guest appearance as the funky grandpa on a Disney Channel shows. You can’t throw a stone without hitting a dumb girl’s Instagram picture of 29-year-old Marilyn Monroe captioned “wow, such beautiful, so sex kitten”, but honestly, if she were alive today she’d probably be doing non-movie star shit like throwing a drink in Mama Elsa’s face on The Real Housewives of Miami. You’d point to the TV and tell your kids: “Marilyn Monroe-Bernstein was a very popular movie star in the 50’s, but now she sells exquisite costume jewellery on QVC and gets into fights with other plastic-faced ladies!”

Well, thanks to HuffPo, we can stop imagining what our favourite gone-too-soon rock stars would be up to, because they have brought us a creepy gallery of courtesy of Sachs Media Group. Not only did the artists at Sachs (all of which have PTSD from looking at these unsettling pictures for too long) speculate what legendary rockstars would look like today, but also created little back stories for what each one would be up to in 2013. For example, Kurt Cobain might have “explored smaller, less commercial projects” and Bob Marley “would have been a dream partner for stars like the Fugees and Kanye West”.

I have ENDLESS thoughts on these pictures, but I know you have to get back to firing off your confetti cannon over Blair Waldorf’s engagement, so I’ll make this quick: Kurt Cobain looks like a douchebag who was charged with aggravated assault at a TGIFridays in Port Huron, MI, and Dennis Wilson looks like the drunk uncle who bails him out of jail and celebrates his release with a 6-pack of Keystone Light in the parking lot of the police station.

And it goes without saying that the very first thing I did when I saw these pics was I played the Would I Still? game. So far, the only ones I would are Future John Lennon, because he looks like a rich Harvard professor who’d be into some weird shit, and Future Keith Moon, who looks like a recently-divorced father who’s soul is so broken he’d buy you endless amounts of Red Lobster in hopes that you might give him a lazy hand job in his leased PT Cruiser (I can’t say no to those delicious cheddar bay biscuits).

(Pics via Sachs Media via HuffPo)

Presenting The Would-Be Breakout Star Of Twatlight, Chuckesmee!

On the “Twalight Forever: The Complete Saga” DVD set, Nikki Reed and producer Wyck Godfrey talk about and introduce the Renesmee doll that was used during filming until it was replaced with a slightly less terrifying baby made of CGI, because the cast and crew were sick of its face eating their dreams every single night. A real baby was never used, because they wanted Renesmee to look “otherwordly” and I guess the prop department’s definition of “otherwordly” is what sprouts up when you plant the seed of Satan, Bette Davis eyes and a dozen tortured human souls in the red dirt on the Ninth Circle in HAIL. Chuckesmee looks like a meth-addicted, humanized Japanese Chin with FAS.

The crew nicknamed the doll “Chuckesmee” after Chucky from Child’s Play, but Chucky doesn’t have shit on Chuckesmee. If I had to choose between being locked in a room with Chucky and a bunch of knives or Chuckesmee, I’d go with Chucky. At least Chucky would make it quick. Chuckesmee would silently stare into the deepest part of my charred soul and feed off of my fear. It would get stronger with every chatter of my teeth. It would be like being stuck in a dark prison cell with Marie Osmond.

Chuckesmee is even more terrifying when it moves. IT MOVES.

It’s funny that they never say what happened to Chucksmee. Chuckesmee could be hiding at the bottom of your hamper during the day and every night it comes out to eat your exhales as you sleep. Or worse, Chuckesmee could be recording a pop single with Ark Music Factory’s Patrice Wilson right now. For the sake of all of us, I hope it’s the former.

And honestly, the producers made the right decision by dumping Chuckesmee. Nobody would ever believe that Kristen Stewart is Chuckesmee’s mom. Chuckesmee emotes way too many human emotions to be Kristen Stewart’s child.

via Yahoo!

Tip: If You Cut Your Peen Off In China, Bring Your Cut-Off Peen To The Hospital With You

Note: I didn’t want to use the gory picture that The Daily Mail used, because NO. Besides, a picture of a scared pussy perfectly expresses my feelings about this messy, tragic tale of lost peen.

26-year-old Yang Hu of Jiaxing, China had a seriously severe case of the sads about moving to a new city and not finding a special lady friend to give his heart and peen to. Yang Hu grew more and more depressed and he figured that since he didn’t have a love life, he really didn’t need a peen. Yang Hu took FOREVER ALONE to horrific levels a couple of days ago when he came home after work and decided that the only way he’ll stop thinking about getting a girlfriend is if he chops his dick off. So he chopped his peen off.

Right after Yang Hu became No Wang Yang by whacking his peen off, he realized an extremely important fact that most dudes probably realize when they whack their peens off: he had no dick. Yang Hu must’ve realized that you can use a peen for many other things (examples: fapping, pissing, drawing eyes on its head and making its slit talk to you when you’re really bored, etc…), because he regretted what he had one. Yang Hu quickly jumped on his bike and rode to the nearest hospital to get his peen re-attached. But he jumped on his bike a little too quickly, because he forgot to bring his peen with him. The hospital told him they needed his chopped-off peen in order to re-attach it to his body and those bitches made him ride his bike back to get it. Yang Hu jumped back on his back and while bleeding, rode back to his house, grabbed his dick and rode back to the hospital. When he got there, doctors told him that his peen had been without blood for too long and they couldn’t re-attach it.

THE FUCK?????!!!

Friends are blaming the hospital, because they say that if doctors sent an ambulance to get Yang Hu’s peen, they might’ve been able to re-attach it in time.

The hell kind of GD crazy, fucked-up doctor looks at a poor man who’s bleeding at the crotch, has no peen, is obviously suffering from a breakdown of some kind and says, “Sorry, no wang, no service!” Those bitches. Send an intern! Send a nurse! Send a helicopter! Send a paramedic! Send a KAYAK! Send anybody but the poor dude who’s bleeding from his crotch. This is like the worst Nurse Jackie episode of all-time.

And you know some motherfucker is reading this story and thinking to himself, “At least he didn’t have to log on the ACA website before going to the hospital.”

Open Post: Hosted By the Nicolas Cage Costume You Wish You Thought Of

Admit it. You wanted to cartwheel into school, your place of employment, the grocery store, the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit or your dearly departed Grandma’s funeral wearing this sold out Morphsuit covered in pictures of Nicolas Cage. You wanted to make 497 Vines of yourself wearing it while quoting his movies. You wanted to spend a whole nine seconds perfecting your imitation of his accent in Con Air, then go trick or treating and say, “I said put the bunny back in the box” when your neighbor answered their doors. You wanted to wear it while fapping to that fucked up Nicolas Cage playing John Travolta playing Nicolas Cage mess Face/Off. You wanted to show up to the set of National Treasure 3 with the hope of introducing the real Nic Cage to the train hobo looking one on your crotch and asking him to autograph it right there.

(Pics from iraffiruse via Buzzfeed)

No, This Isn’t Creepy Or Scary At All

If you came home and the entire place was empty and you knew that nobody had been there and you found a children’s book about a doll on your bedside table and you didn’t put it there, you’d immediately start punching yourself in the face or pissing in your panties, because you’d assume that you were in a horrifying nightmare and need to wake the fuck up. That real-life night terror happened to Famke Janssen on Saturday night.

TMZ says that Famke came home on Saturday and on a shelf next to her bed, she found a book called The Lonely Doll by Dare Wright. The book doesn’t belong to Famke and she said nobody else has keys to her penthouse. The New York Post says that Famke called the cops and detectives searched her apartment. It didn’t look like anybody broke in and nothing was missing. They’re currently looking at footage from the security camera in the lobby of her apartment building.

The Lonely Doll is about some creepy ass, straw-haired, side-eye throwing doll named Edith who is really lonely (duh) until two bears, Mr. Bear and Little Bear, randomly show up in her life. Mr. Bear goes out one day and when he comes back, he finds that Edith and Little Bear played dress up, smeared makeup all over themselves and wrote “Mr. Bear is just a silly old thing” in lipstick on the mirror. Mr. Bear gets mad and spanks Edith and Little Bear. Edith gets the sads and worries that Mr. Bear and Little Bear are going to leave her and she’ll be all alone again. Mr. Bear tells Edith that he’ll never ever ever EVER leave her. Fuck that story. That is the scariest story I’ve ever heard.

If I was Famke, I wouldn’t have only screamed for the police. I would’ve called the movers to move all my shit out of there. I would’ve called a Holiday Inn in a different state to ask if they had a room with a quadruple lock available. I would’ve called that hot lady on Small Town Security and told her to send her entire staff to guard my ass. And then I would’ve called Liam Neeson to tell him that I just lived the beginning of the next Taken movie.

There’s a special place in Hell’s special place for crazy bitches who scare people with doll shit.