No, This Isn’t Creepy Or Scary At All

August 13, 2013 / Posted by:

If you came home and the entire place was empty and you knew that nobody had been there and you found a children’s book about a doll on your bedside table and you didn’t put it there, you’d immediately start punching yourself in the face or pissing in your panties, because you’d assume that you were in a horrifying nightmare and need to wake the fuck up. That real-life night terror happened to Famke Janssen on Saturday night.

TMZ says that Famke came home on Saturday and on a shelf next to her bed, she found a book called The Lonely Doll by Dare Wright. The book doesn’t belong to Famke and she said nobody else has keys to her penthouse. The New York Post says that Famke called the cops and detectives searched her apartment. It didn’t look like anybody broke in and nothing was missing. They’re currently looking at footage from the security camera in the lobby of her apartment building.

The Lonely Doll is about some creepy ass, straw-haired, side-eye throwing doll named Edith who is really lonely (duh) until two bears, Mr. Bear and Little Bear, randomly show up in her life. Mr. Bear goes out one day and when he comes back, he finds that Edith and Little Bear played dress up, smeared makeup all over themselves and wrote “Mr. Bear is just a silly old thing” in lipstick on the mirror. Mr. Bear gets mad and spanks Edith and Little Bear. Edith gets the sads and worries that Mr. Bear and Little Bear are going to leave her and she’ll be all alone again. Mr. Bear tells Edith that he’ll never ever ever EVER leave her. Fuck that story. That is the scariest story I’ve ever heard.

If I was Famke, I wouldn’t have only screamed for the police. I would’ve called the movers to move all my shit out of there. I would’ve called a Holiday Inn in a different state to ask if they had a room with a quadruple lock available. I would’ve called that hot lady on Small Town Security and told her to send her entire staff to guard my ass. And then I would’ve called Liam Neeson to tell him that I just lived the beginning of the next Taken movie.

There’s a special place in Hell’s special place for crazy bitches who scare people with doll shit.

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