And No, Madge Isn’t Talking About Sean Penn

The Illuminati’s High Plastic Priestess of Darkness has been on a roll this week. This week, thousands of Madonna fans have been dragging their hungover and underslept carcasses into their cubicles after staying up all night at her show. Madge’s shows have been starting hours late and many of her fans say they’re too damn old to be dropping their asses to “Deeper and Deeper” at 1am on a damn work night. Some of them also accused her of adding a whole lot of vodka to the blood of virgins she drinks backstage, because they say she seemed drunk during her show. Madge denied that. Madge played Nashville, TN on Monday night and she kept her fans waiting for 2 hours and I guess not all of them were mad at her for that, because one proposed to her. Madge used that proposal from a fan to call one of her ex-husbands a cunt. Keeping paying whores waiting for hours is wrong, but I guess dropping the cunt word into their ears is one way to make up for it.

The Daily Mirror says that during her show in Nashville, a fan in the front asked her to marry them. The fan either called themselves a cunt or they were wearing a shirt with the word on it. Madge let it be known that she is trolling for a man since the dark orb in her heart needs recharging and she can only do that by sucking the life out of another husband. But she also told the fan that she’s not looking for a cunt because she was already married to one.

Madonna has apparently used the C-word while lashing out at her ex-husband Guy Ritchie on stage.

The Queen of Pop, 57, seemed to launch into the foul-mouthed rant as she responded to a fan’s marriage proposal at her gig in Nashville.

She is alleged to have said: “I’m looking for a husband, not a cunt. I already married a cunt.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I’m sure calling Guy Ritchie a cunt in front of thousands of people is really, really going to make Rocco come running back to live with her. At first I wished that she was talking about Sean Penn, but I don’t mean that. Calling Sean Penn a cunt is extremely wrong. That’s offensive to cunts. Cunts don’t deserve that.

Pic: Splash

Another Messy Layer Has Been Added To Madonna’s Very Messy Fight With Her Son

And no, I’m not talking about those Rode Hard™ by Lindsay Lohan hair extensions she’s wearing in the picture above. At least I don’t think hair extensions are one of the reasons for why Madonna is currently going through some custody shit with her 15-year-old son, Rocco Ritchie. So far, we know that Rocco’s hiatus from the queen of the cool moms might have something to do with Madonna’s Instagram account and that she treated him like a trophy and that her house is a macrobiotic hellhole. Now TMZ is saying that Madonna’s busted relationship with her son has a lot to do with Madonna’s busted relationship with her son’s daddy, Guy Ritchie.

Rocco is currently living with his dad in London, which – according to Madonna – is also the headquarters for Guy’s Madonna Is The WORST club. A source says that Madonna believes that Guy has been talking shit about her to Rocco for years, and that’s the reason Rocco started hating her ass. Madonna and Guy started fighting over Rocco shortly after they called it quits back in 2008, and apparently they continued to drag each other via their kid for the past eight years.

Meanwhile, Madonna took a break from posting throwback pics of Rocco on Instagram to talk about the real-life Not Without My Daughter remake (possible title: I Want Nothing To Do With Ma Donna) happening in her life right now. During a concert in Mexico City on Wednesday night, Madonna targeted the muscles in her face responsible for releasing tears and thanked her fans for giving her strength during a “challenging” time in her life.

Madonna doesn’t get into specifics, but I think we can all assume she isn’t referring to the difficulty of rooting through her external hard drives for more old pictures of Rocco for Instagram.

Speaking of, if you’ve forgotten what current-day Rocco looks like, here he is riding around London with his dad earlier today. I’m not sure why they’re both dressed like they’re on their way to an audition for the part of “two dudes hired by Jez Quigley to steal televisions” on a late-90s episode of Coronation Street, but here we are.

Pics: Splash

Madonna Ran To A Judge To Force Her Son To Come Home For Christmas

Every time I see that picture of Rocco Ritchie from June, I think to myself two things: 1) I’m older than I ever imagined. And 2) Madge, Guy Ritchie, Rocco and Sean Penn should all go on an episode of Maury together, because that kid sort of looks like Jeff Spicoli’s twin. But then I remember that Rocco has never been accused of hitting anyone with a bat or arrested for dangling a pap over a balcony, so I doubt he’s Sean Penn’s child.

If you’re the parent of a teenager, it really wouldn’t be holiday times unless you got into a big ass fight with them. Page Six says that Madge’s holiday fight with her 15-year-old son Rocco Ritchie ended up in court this morning. Rocco spent months on tour with his mom, so he’s apparently sick of her shit and needs time away from her. Rocco has been spending time with his dad Guy Ritchie in London and he was supposed to fly back to NYC to spend Christmas with his mom. But he said fuck no to that.

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There’s No Shame In Guy Ritchie’s Gold Digging Game

When you look at that picture above, you will probably just assume that one of the devil talons on Madge’s labia scratched at Guy Ritchie’s eyeball as he worshiped the third eye on her crotch earlier in the day. But the truth is, Guy Richie is throwing us a subtle “I’m going to rob this granny blind” wink. Guy, who got at least $75 million from Madge in the divorce, talked to Details about his marriage with her and he pretty much kept his words on the nice side until he added a slight dig about the fortune she dropped on his gold digging shovel.

DETAILS: You married Madonna when you were still a fledgling director and she was the most famous woman in the world. What was that adjustment like?
Guy Ritchie: I don’t know. By the way, I enjoyed my first marriage. It’s definitely not something I regret. The experience was ultimately very positive. I love the kids that came out of it, and I could see no other route to take. But you move on, don’t you? You’re right, I stepped into a soap opera, and I lived in it for quite a long period of my life. I’ll probably be more eloquent on it 10 years from now.

DETAILS: What did you learn from that marriage?
Guy Ritchie: When you end up with a lot of the things you set out to chase and find that you’ve stumbled into all sorts of hollow victories, then you become deeply philosophical. I’m quite happy that that experience was accelerated for me. I’m glad I made money, in other words. And I’m glad I got married.

“I’m glad I made money, in other words” is the new gold digging motto. I would say that quote is like a stab to Madge’s chest, but her body is covered in thorny lizard armor so daggers don’t penetrate and $75 million is just a mere dingle on the huge ass crack that is her checking account. But really, that quote should be said by every gold digger at every will reading or divorce settlement hearing they attend. When the judge awards them millions and asks for a final word, they should stand up and say, “A wise gold digger once said, ‘I’m glad I made money, in other words.” It’s that beautiful.

Guy Ritchie Is Going To Be A Father Again

Almost everybody who reported on Guy Ritchie’s piece being knocked up referred to him as “Madonna’s ex.” That’s like his official title now. Guy’s business card must say “MADONNA’S EX” in big bold letters with “…and movie director” printed underneath that in tiny sans balls font. That shit must hurt more than the time the fangs on Madge’s vadge bit his tongue during oral. But anyway…

The Daily Mail reports that Guy’s 29-year-old model girlfriend of about a year, Jacqui Ainsley, will join every other damn celebrity on this planet by pushing out a BABY!!!!! sometime this year. I swear, by the end of this year we’ll have enough umbilical cords to make an escape rope to Venus. Tie that shit together, slip knot the end, lasso it over a crater on Venus and we’ll all zip line to a planet that’s free of wet burps and baby diarrhea bubbles.

Guy and Jacqui have yet to confirm any of this, but one of her friends is doing it for her. Because that’s what friends are for! One had this to say: “Jacqui was crying with joy when she found out. They went on holiday because Guy is desperate for her to take it easy. He won’t let her do anything more strenuous than argue over baby names.”

Congrats to Guy! Congrats to Jacqui! And congrats to Madge’s boy toy who will soon have a new playdate partner!

Here’s a few pictures of Guy and Jacqui talking about how they’re going to name their baby “FUCKYOUMADGE” a couple of weeks ago.

Blake Lively Is My Hero

The Sherlock Holmes premiere was last night in NYC, and this is what Blake Lively wore to that shit.

My space heater is on blast, I’ve got two pairs of socks on my feet, a heating pad is shoved up in my crack and I’m still cold. So I have to bow down to Blake Lively for not letting something called “weather” fuck with her tramping it up on the red carpet.

I’m sure Blake’s vagina is blowing steam and her nipples might have already fell off due to frostbite, but WHO CARES! Cameras are flashing and Blake has a show to put on! Don’t let some stupid Snow Miser shit get in the way of you showcasing those chichis!

Other hos, who obviously don’t have Blake’s dedication, at the premiere were: Jude Law, Robert Downey Jr., Rachel McAdams, Guy Ritchie and Rocco Ritchie.