Those who thought that POTUS’ oddly restrained (for him) speech before Congress this week signaled a new era of keeping his priorities presidential and his behavior semi-rational were wrong. President Donald Trump kicked off his weekend by “u up?“-ing the beautiful creature that holds his tiny heart – the Twitter bird! This pesky “my administration might have a branch location in the Kremlin” scandal has him wrought! But not so wrought that he can’t focus on the real issues!
Well, of course he will. What better way to uphold the office of POTUS with dignity and respect than appear on season 15 of your own reality show? Former governor of California and secret family keeper Arnold Schwarzenegger is the new “you’re fired!” character on The Celebrity Apprentice.
People reports that, during a press conference to promote the new season, Arnold answered questions about the recent revelation that our President-elect Donald Trump will still be listed as “executive producer” of the show in the credits. This, of course, has everyone wondering if this is a conflict of interest like some of his other business ventures. Ahnuld (a reputed fellow “pussy-grabber” to Trump in his own right) thinks Trump might even appear as a “guest advisor.”
America’s Biggest Throbbing Hemorrhoid Is Quitting The Celebrity Apprentice To Explore Running For President
The NH Union Leader says that Donald Trump is done, for now, with firing reality tricks and has-beens on The Celebrity Apprentice, because he wants to think about throwing his pussy hairball hair into the presidential ring. When you hear the sound of the bloated naranja toad croaking about becoming President, you know it’s almost presidential race time. Because Donald Trump does this every. single. time.
During the finale of The Celebrity Apprentice last month, Donald Trump said that NBC picked up the show for another season, but he burped up a caca bubble of foreshadowing when he said that he hasn’t personally made any decisions about the show. A source tells the NH Union Leader that Trump isn’t going to renew his contract with NBC. Donald Trump has threatened to run for President a million times before (yes, it’s a threat), but a source says he’s serious this time and is putting together an “exploratory committee.” Jabba the Trump has already hired staff in New York, Iowa, South Carolina and New Hampshire. Trump farted up this statement today about running. As is the case with most of Trump’s statements, it is a mound of delusion wrapped in a thick layer of HAHA.
“I have a great love for our country, but it is a country that is in serious trouble. We have lost the respect of the entire world. Americans deserve better than what they get from their politicians – who are all talk and no action! I have built a great company, created thousands of jobs and built a tremendous net worth with some of the finest and most prestigious assets in the world – and very little debt! All Americans deserve the same opportunity. Our real unemployment rate is staggering while our manufacturing base is eroding on a daily basis. We must rebuild our infrastructure, control our borders, support local control of education, greatly strengthen our military, care for our veterans and put Americans back to work! We must stop other countries from totally taking advantage of our representatives who are being out-negotiated at every turn. I am the only one who can make America truly great again!”
Politico says that The Celebrity Apprentice will go on without Donald Trump. The producers plan to replace him with a long-haired incontinent guinea pig. Nobody will know the difference. (No offense to long-haired incontinent guinea pigs.)
Donald Trump doesn’t need an exploratory committee to tell him that running for president is the best idea. What America really needs is more laughs and entertainment and we’ll definitely get that if Trump runs. Since we’re on the subject of the 2016 presidential campaign, here’s my nominee at a fashion event in L.A. last week. She can run under the Ginger Party.
Keshia Knight Pulliam Got Shit From Donald Trump For Not Hitting Bill Cosby Up For Money On The Celebrity Apprentice
I hate myself for watching anything that the smegma-filled anal gland known as Donald Trump is a part of, but I cannot stay away from the Celebrity Apprentice, because when you mix together Botoxed crazies and desperate has-beens, you get a magical train wreck that you can’t keep your eyes off of. You probably didn’t read that sentence, because you’re too busy staring at that plastic object in the middle and wondering why a knock-off Barbie styling head sold at selected Dollar Trees is a contestant on the Celebrity Apprentice. Please, a knock-off Barbie styling head sold at selected Dollar Trees IS too famous for Celebrity Apprentice. That’s Kate Gosselin.
The first episode of the season aired last night and it was a mess that turned into an awkward cringe fest. Keshia Knight Pulliam was the first one fired by the roasted bag of toad shit and he mostly fired her for not calling Bill Cosby to ask for a donation for her charity. The challenge was for each team to raise as much cash as possible while selling pies they made themselves. The object of all of your wet dreams (and by “wet” I mean either vomit or panty cream) Geraldo Rivera was the project manager of the men’s team and Keshia led the women’s team. The season premiere was shot last March, before Bill Cosby’s alleged drug and raping ways were unswept from under the rug by Hannibal Buress. So Kenya Moore might not have known about the Bill Cosby stuff when she got on Keshia about calling him. Keshia brushed Kenya off and said that she was focusing on donors who were in NYC and was not going to call Bill Cosby.
Donald Trump and the producers of Celebrity Apprentice are wrong for making us sit through all 666 hours of last night’s finale without delivering at least one quote of wisdom from the bump on my log (that didn’t sound right) Dionne Atwarwithallthosehussieswick! As pretty much expected, Jabba the Trump (SPOILER ALERT) fired Marlee Matlin and burped out that John Rich was the winner of Celebrity Apprentice. How do you say “fuck this shit” in sign language? You know who would know? Dionne Warwick! But she was M.I.H.H.A. (missing in hussy hating action)!
Donald Trump never explained why the true star of the show wasn’t at the finale. Nobody brought it up! They didn’t even cut to a live stream of crusty old Dionne huffing at the lukewarm madness from the comfort of her stained La-Z-Boy in her TV room. There was no mention of the grouchy bat who gave that show life! That’s like going to a Catholic mass where the priest never brings up Jesus’ name!
When Trump asked everyone who should win, I really needed to see Grandma Dionne lower her shades and throw a coward-killing cut eye while saying, “None of these trollops! Now where’s that hot supper I was promised?” When Star Jones accused NeNe Leakes of attacking all the black females on the show, I really needed Dionne to pull a switch out of her extra-large cardigan pocket and spook the silence into both of those hyena heffahs. When Marlee, John Rich and a chorus of signing children performed a cheese-jerker of a song, I really needed Dionne to slap one of those kids on the head after thinking they were flipping her off.
Beautiful bitchy moments. That’s what Dionne is for…and sadly she wasn’t there to provide any.
The hot cloud of rage that Meat Loaf spewed at Gary Busey last week must’ve wafted up NeNe Leakes’ rotated nostrils last night, because she hit the bell and went after Detective La Toya Jackson with a vengeance. Before all of this went down, the women’s team won the challenge over the men’s team even though La Toya’s leadership skills were as broke down as Mark McGrath’s corroded nostrils (there really are a lot of fucked up nostrils on that show). During the challenge and in the board room, NeNe let it be known to everyone that she’s not a fan of Bubbles’ godmother and thinks La Toya is just putting on a precious little princess act. When Trump dismissed them after their win, NeNe pulled out her nuts and nearly blew the silicone cartilage out of La Toya’s nose.
NeNe kept calling La Toya “Casper” and said that she’s only famous because of her last name. This coming from a bitch who is famous for absolutely NOTHING. Don’t get me wrong, I want NeNe to narrate my funeral because she’s such a bitch, but she committed an illegal act when she went after the forever precious Detective La Toya for pretty much no reason. NeNe only puffed her chest, because she’s trying to be the resident bitch now that grand daddy cunt Dionne Warwick is gone. But if Dionne was there, she would’ve shut down that Alice the Goon looking ho down with the wave of a finger and the slight flare of a nostril. NeNe needs to stay sitting and know her place before Dionne pops her head through one of the ceiling tiles to say, “You a coward, baby.”
And besides that, Detective La Toya is not the one EVER. La Toya’s got her monocle out and she’s going to get to the bottom of the skeleton’s in NeNe’s closet. She’s going to find some shit out. I can’t wait for next week’s episode when Detective La Toya destroys NeNe by revealing that she was really born a Dominican boy named Neethanel Fugas.