Kanye Has Done It Again

It’s messes like this that make me grateful that Kanye West has the fashion sense of a cold turd sitting on a sidewalk and constantly suffocates Kim Kardashian when he wraps her seven layers of Spanx and makes her look like an overstuffed egg roll. Kanye is always coming up with new and creative ways to make Kim look as ridiculous as damn possible. Kim is dead enough inside to just shrug and say okay when Kanye says that her tits would look really hot if she covers them in that foam netting sleeves that covers the melons at Asian grocery stores.

Bitch looks like a 10 pounds of ground beef in a small flour tortilla and if she had frijoles and some corn cake on her sides, she’d be a burrito combination plate at El Torito. And now I’ll never ever be able to order a burrito at El Torito again.

Here’s more of Kim and her ever-changing face going to dinner with her ho apparent Kendall Jenner in NYC tonight.

Pics: Splash

What In Union Jack Desecration Hell?

Taylor Swift’s relationship contract re-negotiations with Harry Styles broke down a million years ago and her b-hole is obviously still sore and chapped about it, because at last night’s Parade of Leonardo DiCaprio’s Past and Future Exes (aka the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show), she got revenge on her silent movie ingenue-looking ex-boyfriend by violating his national flag. It looks like Ginger Spice’s Union Jack dress got a severe case of the wet shits and exploded everywhere. BLASPHEMY! When Taylor is trolling the yard of a Manhattan high school while looking for a new piece today, a black pocketbook will hit her in the head. That’s courtesy of THE QUEEN who threw it from across the pond.

Anyway, while wearing a tiny hat that only looks good on Yorkies, Taylor of Sunnybrook Farms performed at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion show in NYC last night (this craps airs in December). Taylor’s BMI is probably in the negative range, but put her next to a bunch of models who weigh about as much as a baby mouse’s dry fart and she looks like me lying on my side after eating a bag of gingerbread cream cookies from Target. (It’s not my fault that Target shits out holiday crap before all the Halloween candy I swallowed has digested.)

Tommy Girl might think that acting is about as hard as being a soldier in Afghanistan, but he needs to try being a Victoria’s Secret model. Weeks before the show, they can only eat slivers of filtered air and ice cold mist. Then on show day, they’re put into panties and a bra and have to strut down a catwalk with 50 pounds of Michael’s craft materials on their backs as Leonardo DiCaprio and Adam Levine bid on them from the audience and Taylor Swift yodels in their ears. Try that, TG!

And every damn year when I look at pictures from this craft project wreck of a show, I wonder why the wish I made years ago hasn’t been answered yet. Why isn’t there an International Male UnderGear show? I want to see bedazzled dicks with heart-shaped mylar balloons tied to them. Yeah, I know I can see that at any males-only Scientology party, but I’m not down with the whole “signing over my soul at the front door” thing.

Pics: Wenn.com

“Nobody’s Talked About Us For 24 Hours! Quick, Kendall, Go Put On A Stupid Hat!” – Kris Jenner

Hey, Kendall Jenner? See if you can pull that hat down all they way. You can? Cool! Do us all a solid and buy one for each of your sisters and a full-body hat for Kris. Oh, that’s terrible, I didn’t mean that (…just get one for Kim).

Kendall and Kylie Jenner, two teenagers who no longer go to school or have jobs, but plenty of time on their hands, spent yesterday shopping in West Hollywood and trying on clothes. Kendall, proving she’s a Kardashian at heart, made a beeline for the dumbest, ugliest thing in the store and put it on. Let’s see how many jokes about Kendall’s outfit I can make in 60 seconds. Aaaaannnd GO!

– Kendall looks like Strawberry Shortcake’s cousin who was born too close to a nuclear power plant
– If Kendall’s hat and scarf were gray, she’d be a dead ringer for Roger from American Dad
– Kendall looks like an off-brand Dumb Donald
– That lumpy scarf looks like Kim’s ass in a paid of pink leggings
– That hat and scarf makes Kendall look like a pink dick and balls. Later she changed into a black hat and scarf, and Kim appeared out of nowhere.

And I only need one for Kylie: homegirl looks like Brenda and Brandon Walsh’s college dropout cousin from Daytona Beach, FL.

Here’s more of Kendall, Kylie (aka Khloe II: Boozy’s Revenge, just give it time), and their friend (who looks like the bad influence’s dum-dum sidekick in a 1992 ABC after-school special).

(Pics via Splash)

What In Frosted Mini-Wheat Without The Frosting HELL Is This?

When I was a kid, I used to soak my Frosted Mini-Wheats in milk, pull one out, suck all the frosting off and then drop it next to the bowl. That pile of frosting-less, rejected, sad, soggy Mini-Wheats is what I was reminded of when I saw these fucked-up stupid pictures of Lady CaCa strolling out of the Ritz-Carlton in Berlin today. Bitch looks like the worst and least popular Dr. Who villain of all-time.

Bitch looks like a gold duck drowning in a giant box full of dirty, 10-week-old cat litter. Bitch looks like a cracker made out of yeast infection discharge. Bitch looks like a giant piece of Nicki Minaj’s wig dandruff. I just want to grab her ass, put her on a slingshot and use her to kill pigs. This is some Angry Birds Chernobyl-style shit.

With all that being said, I’m happy that CaCa is one with the crazy again and finding new and creative ways to cover up her head. And that block of insulation foam looks more natural and luscious than all of her wigs.

Pics: Wenn.com

Would You Hit It?

Johnny Depp has won several gold medals in the tragic sport of Fighting The Hot and you can put another gold medal around his neck for dying his locks a lovely shade of bladder juice. That hair screams: RAY-J WAS HERE. Having yellow hair is only okay if your last name is Simpson and you’re from Springfield. 50-year-old dudes should never ever have jaundice hair on purpose.

Johnny Depp debuted his new broken toilet hair color at The 57th BFI London Film Festival Awards Night in London two nights ago. Johnny was there to present Sir Christopher Lee with a special award.

And yes, I’d hit it, golden shower hair and all, but only if Sir Christopher Lee turned me down first.

Pics: Wenn.com

Kim K. Takes Fashion Advice From the Patron Saint of Leather Jogging Pants

Un-bleach your brains for a hot second to get a good mental picture of Kim K.  here, here and here and allow yourself to giggle over the fact that her first post-baby interview was done for London’s Sunday Times Style (via US Weekly). She reached deep down into her kiddie pool-sized brain to say that she makes fashion decisions to please her man.

“You want your guy to think you’re really hot. I’ll put something on and he’ll [Kanye] say, ‘No, that doesn’t look good’, and I’ll trust him.'”

Sorry, but this isn’t the fourth grade, your relationship is not a sleepover and you can bet your pastry bag of an inflated ass that I wouldn’t keep doing fashion trust falls with a bitch who dropped me on my ass in a big way more than once. Sure, I want my man to think I look hot, but if I were Kim, I’d stop believing that shit after the first time a Met Gala guest mistook me for a sofa in the lobby. But that would require Kim to have two brain cells willing to come together and do some thinking and we all know that isn’t going to happen any time soon.

She also barfed out how much weight she’s lost on Atkins and how little she’s exercised (I do think she should get some credit for getting that white bathing suit on without ricocheting herself into the neighbor’s backyard) because she doesn’t want to leave her baby (except when her grown ass toddler of a man demands she be in Paris) and how even that barely-off-the-tit baby influences her fashion choices.

“I want to dress a little lighter colorwise. I think North looks cute in light colors, and then I want to wear light colors,” she reasons. “North doesn’t typically wear pink, though. She wears mauve or blush, not, like, typical baby pink.”

Listen up, bitches. That baby’s colors are BLUSH and BASHFUL. No common baby pink good enough for the likes of the unwashed masses shall be worn by NorthSouthEastLeftRightU-turn West.

Pic via Wenn.com