Frances Bean Cobain Got Secret Married And Courtney Love Wasn’t Invited (UPDATE)

So it’s time once again to remind yourself that we’re all old as shit and will soon be sipping warm water with lemon on the lanai. E! says that Frances Bean Cobain, the 23-year-old former baby of Courtney Love and Kurt Cobain, has gone and secret married her boyfriend of five years, a dude named Isaiah Silva. Obviously, Frances’ dad couldn’t be there because he’s too busy getting noise complaints from his uptight angel neighbors in Heaven. But apparently Frances’ mommy wasn’t there either. According to a source, it was such a secret that Courtney didn’t find out about it until after it happened.

“Courtney loves Isaiah, but was devastated to learn that Frances had gotten married without her knowing,” a source tells us, adding that, “Courtney really likes Isaiah and is very happy for Frances. Courtney is sad she wasn’t at the wedding.”

To make things a little more awkward, the source claims Frances and Isaiah started planning their secret wedding over a year ago and invited 13-15 guests. Or maybe they did invite Courtney, but she thought RSVP stood for “Retain for a Sample Valium Prescription” and never sent it back.

Not really much else is known about Frances Bean’s wedding except that it was inspired by “daisies in mason jars.” Where do you suppose I could find and old priest and a young priest? Because Frances Bean is clearly possessed by Blake Lively and we should probably do an exorcism.

Oh well, that’s just such a shame that Courtney didn’t get invited. Courtney Love only got one shot at serving up eight layers of batshit mother of the bride insanity, and she was DENIED. On the upside, I’m sure Courtney Love would show up to your wedding and provide such services if you asked nicely.

UPDATE: Courtney Love would like you to know she had a good reason for being absent. At least I think she did? Courtney threw up an Instagram picture of herself standing next to a hot model type while looking sort of like a MAC face chart of Baby Jane Hudson with the following caption:

“If you think I’m sorry for being a no-show at any important events this week, think again. I was with @jamesnorley ❤ #candyface #worthflakingonanythingfor #heaven #worthit #slay #bae #cancelallmyappointments #donthate #stud #jealousmuch? Bwahaa xc”

I’m sure her gift is in the mail.

Pic: Splash

Frances Bean Cobain Isn’t Really Into Nirvana

Most of us go through that phase where are parents are kind of dorky and geeky no matter who they are. I mean, if Joan Collins was my mother, I probably wouldn’t like Dynasty and I wouldn’t think she’s that glamorous. What am I saying? That is a one hundred percent lie and I should punch my fingers for even typing those words. I’d still worship her and would probably purposefully piss her off just so she could slap me down Alexis-style.

But the 22-year-old spawn of Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love doesn’t feel that way about Nirvana. While talking to David Fricke of Rolling Stone (which she used to intern for) about Montage of Heck, the HBO documentary about the life of Kurt Cobain, Frances Bean Cobain said that grunge doesn’t really do it for her ears and so she’s not really a Nirvana fan. Frances named a few bands she’s into and no, she didn’t make Kurt Cobain’s ashes turn to stone by saying she likes One Direction or some shit.

“I don’t really like Nirvana that much [grins]. Sorry, promotional people, Universal. I’m more into Mercury Rev, Oasis, Brian Jonestown Massacre [laughs]. The grunge scene is not what I’m interested in. But “Territorial Pissings” [on Nevermind] is a fucking great song. And “Dumb” [on In Utero] – I cry every time I hear that song. It’s a stripped-down version of Kurt’s perception of himself – of himself on drugs, off drugs, feeling inadequate to be titled the voice of a generation.”

David Fricke asked Frances Bean if she felt awkward during her teenage years because she wasn’t really into her dad’s music and she said she would’ve felt awkward if she did have Nirvana posters on her wall.

No. I would have felt more awkward if I’d been a fan. I was around 15 when I realized he was inescapable. Even if I was in a car and had the radio on, there’s my dad. He’s larger than life. and our culture is obsessed with dead musicians. We love to put them on a pedestal. If Kurt had just been another guy who abandoned his family in the most awful way possible . . . But he wasn’t. He inspired people to put him on a pedestal, to become St. Kurt. He became even bigger after he died than he was when he was alive. You don’t think it could have gotten any bigger. But it did.

Makes complete sense to me, but back to Oasis… Now Frances Bean has gone and done it! Liam Gallagher’s swollen, pus-filled, throbbing ego is already the size of Cisco Adler’s nutsack and it’s going to grow at least five hundred times its size when he finds out that Kurt Cobain’s daughter likes Oasis more than Nirvana. According to this extremely accurate (I’m sure) Yahoo! Answer, if the planet’s land was divided up equally among every living human, we’d each get around 6 acres. But since Liam Gallagher’s ego will soon take up half of the planet, we’d be lucky to get 3 acres each. Thanks, Frances Bean!

Pic: Getty

Lana Del Rey Is On Frances Bean Cobain’s Shit List For Saying She Wanted To Die Early Like Kurt Cobain

For once in her career as human horse tranquillizer, Lana Del Rey managed to evoke the opposite of a feeling of extreme drowsiness after she told The Guardian that she wished she was “dead already” like her heroes Kurt Cobain and Amy Winehouse, causing everyone to wake up and violently kick a chair towards her so she could have several seats. Even Kurt was sending her a “sleepy skank, please” side-eye from Heaven.

Of course, once she realized she sounded like a dum-dum, that crafty Ambien chanteuse tried to convince us she was baited by The Guardian into saying such things. Nice try, Lana Del Don’t Operate Heavy Machinery, but Frances Bean Cobain comes from a long line of super-slueths and can smell your bullshit from a mile away! Frances was having none of Lana’s nonsense, and decided to bust that drowsy ho out on Twitter:

@LanaDelRey the death of young musicians isn't something to romanticize (cont)

— Frances Bean Cobain (@alka_seltzer666) June 23, 2014

@LanaDelRey I'll never know my father because he died young & it becomes a desirable feat because ppl like u think it's "cool"(cont)

— Frances Bean Cobain (@alka_seltzer666) June 23, 2014

@LanaDelRey Well, it's fucking not. Embrace life, because u only get one life. The ppl u mentioned wasted that life.Don't be 1 of those ppl

— Frances Bean Cobain (@alka_seltzer666) June 23, 2014

@LanaDelRey ur too talented to waste it away.

— Frances Bean Cobain (@alka_seltzer666) June 23, 2014

I agree with everything Frances says, including the part about being too talented. Most department store mannequins just stand motionless with a vacant expression on their faces, but Lana Del Rey has managed to learn how to slowly sway back and forth in an attempt to appear almost lifelike, open and close her eyelids as if she was blinking, and emit a 3-note yawn to simulate singing. She’s practically human! If only she could learn how to look less plastic, she could be bigger than Jeff from Today’s Special.

Don’t Hate Kendall Jenner Just Because She’s Privileged

In case you aren’t caught up on the feud of the century, Kendall Jenner, the 17-year-old fame-whore-in-training who Pimp Mama Kris is grooming to be her next highest-earning kash kow, let out a poor little rich girl whine on Twitter the other day when she complained about how hard life is sometimes. I didn’t think anything of it really, because if I had to look at Bruce Jenner’s face every day and my pimp mom was trying hard to drop the legal porn age from 17 to 18 so she can put me in a “leaked” sex tape, I would probably tweet the same thing. But Kurt and Courtney’s kid wasn’t have any of it and Frances Bean Cobain let a trick have it. I love it when the most popular girl in school and the most emo-est girl in school go at it.

Was Frances Bean totally overreacting? Yes. Did I laugh at her tweets? Yes.

Kendall Jenner didn’t respond to FB right away, probably because she was too busy asking everyone in the Kartrashian lair what the word “famine” means and they were all trying to find out the answer until they eventually gave up and went to buy crotchless thongs at Agent Provocateur instead. Kendall eventually responded to FB. She must’ve deleted her response, because I couldn’t find it on Twitter, but Radar says she wrote this to FB:

“i am aware that i am very privileged and blessed, and im thankful for that everyday, i know there are greater problems in the world. i pray for those people every night and give back as much as i can. so who are u to judge me?”

Yeah, Frances Bean, so why don’t you just stop judging Kendall Jenner. Because every night, Kendall Jenner prays that those less fortunate than her get themselves a stupid piece of trash sister who will turn her sex tape partner’s piss stream into a multi-million dollar fame whore empire. Then they’ll too get to drive around in a Range Rover at the age of 17. So how dare you judge her, Frances Bean. GAWD!

Here’s PMK and the walking blueprint for Kendall Jenner’s future arriving at LAX yesterday.

Presented Without Comment: IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!!!

via Jezebel

Crazy Ass Courtney Says Sorry To Frances Bean On Twatter

Since Frances Bean’s iPhone has a Crazy Ass Bitch Blocker App and redirects all calls from Courtney Love to the nearest lunatic asylum, Courtney has to use Twitter to throw a sowwy at her own “biological” (copyright: Frances Bean Cobain) daughter. Courtney started this mess last week when she brain queefed up the gross rumor that Dave Grohl took his obsession with Kurt Cobain to SUCIO levels by screwing on Frances Bean. Frances Bean calmly responded by saying that somebody really needs to strap straitjacket gloves on Courtney’s hands and keep her away from Twitter. Well, Frances’ calm smack down must have temporarily knocked the crazy out of Courtney, because she went on her other Twitter account yesterday to apologize:

Bean, sorry I believed the gossip.. Mommy loves you

— Courtney Love Cobain (@Courtney) April 14, 2012

Mark yesterday as the first day in modern history that the bat litter box called Courtney’s head actually had a moment of clarity. I’d like to think that this will teach Courtney to never believe one of the voices in her head after she snorts a crushed homemade Adderall pill she made using a Lohan family recipe, but it won’t. Stay tuned for more fuckery from this crazy bitch.

via People