I Know What You Did Last Summer: You Made This Shitty Piece Of Shit!

The cast for the remake of Sorority Row looks like it was compiled in a bathroom stall at Les Deux. I mean, it stars Ceiling Eyes from The Hills, Tater Head, Jamie from The Real World: San Diego, some skank whose greatest credit is being “detention girl” in 90210 and a bunch of other whores. Obviously, they all worked for drink tickets, a half-used box of Trojans and a promise that their 15-seconds will be extended to 18. And tell me why oh why Carrie Fisher is in this dirty tampon of a movie?! Carrie, if you need some quick cash, work the streets or sell crack. It’s more respectable than working with these whorey cardboard cutouts.

And of course, Ceiling Eyes plays the dead girl. The bitch probably can’t even play a corpse convincingly. Her ceiling eyes got her role, obviously.

While watching this trailer, these were my thoughts: That’s not foam, it’s jizz backing up! Why did he kill her if she was already dead? A tire iron can do that? Graduation gowns have hoods? Why am I doing this to myself? Is this real life?

SPOILER ALERT: Tater Head’s chin is the killer!

Like A Cokehead…… Heeeeeey!

In the new issue of Glamour, the “biggest stars” (their fuckery-laced words, not mine) pose as female icons throughout history. Even with the newest version of Photoshop, Blohan doesn’t pull off vintage Vadge. Bitch should have done current day Vadge instead. They look about the same age. Plop a curly wig on SamRo’s head and she could easily pass as Baby Jesus after getting the youth sucked out of him by Vadge’s roidy cooze. Now that would have made sense.

The other skanks in the magazine are: Camilla Belle (as Mary Tyler Moore), Emma Stone (as Carrot Horseshaw), Emma Roberts (as Audrey Hepburn), Alexis Bledel (as Rosie the Riveter), Ugly Betty (as Dolores Huerta), Alicia Keys (as Michelle Obama), Kim Zolciak’s wig (as the Obama dog), Elisha Cuthbert (as Brandi Chastain), Hayden Panatroll (as Amelia Earhart), Paula Patton (as Billie Holiday), Chanel Iman (as Althea Gibson) and Odette Yustman, Spencer Grammer and Tater Head (as the hippies of Woodstock).

The picture with Tater Head is borderline babeh abuse. That tortured baby is trying to unsee what he’s just seen. I hope his parents are paying attention, because if they ever get him a Mr. Potato Head for his birthday, that kid is going to take shelter under his bed and never come out. They better not make that mistake.

Fantasia Is Trying

You know, I almost didn’t know who this bitch was until I saw the sweaty pit drops on her dress and then I shouted, “IT’S FANTASIA!” I’d recognize those bawling pits from across the world! It’s her signature and we should all slap our own pits in celebration, because bitch is consistently sweaty. But Fantasia did try to pull her mess together at Clive Davis’ pre-Grammy party last night in L.A. The dress was a step in the right direction, but bitch should have covered up those prison yard “practice tattoos.” I will forgive her for that, because those yellow ass nails take her look to a whole new level of sophistication. They serve a dual purpose though. When Fanny goes to parties, she hates not having all her favorite sauces around while she’s eating horsey dervies (that’s what she calls them). So now, she can pour dipping sauces into each nail and all her favorite flavors are at her fingertips. Literally!

Whitney Houston was also at Clive’s party last night and she sang. As usual, everyone said it was her triumphant return and she sounded glorious. If I took a crack hit for every time I heard that, I’d be as crazy as Bobby Brown. We get it. Whitney is back! And somewhere Jackie Collins is in a room shivering her ass off, because Whit stole her dress.

Below is a bunch of pictures of whores at last night’s party. They are, in order: Fanny, Whit, JHud, Katy Perry, Queen Joan Collins, Chelsea Handler…. and… and…. Oh, who gives a fuck! Just click on a picture, say, “TRASH. NEXT!” and then move on to the next one. Repeat. When you get to Kelly Clarkson’s picture, you might want to whisper your insult, because if bitch hears you, she might tackle your ass down.

Fantasia Is Hot

Fantasia is always photographed with bawling pits and none of her friends have helped her out with this situation. At last night’s Hip-Hop Caucus in DC, Fantasia not only had extreme underarm juice, but her titties were also moist . Is she using that crystal rock shit? Methinks that mess makes you sweat even more.

If Fanny can’t get her hands on some bootleg Botox, she could do what my cousin did at her Quinceanera. That bitch was afraid of pit jizz, so she put a maxi pad underneath each arm. We called her period pits the entire night, but it worked. That’s what Fantasia needs and I would only call her period pits behind her back.

And Fantasia’s exquisite Lee Press-On nails have taken her from trashy to *CLASSY*.

Be Gone Is More Like It

When I first saw thumbnails of these pictures, I thought it was Christina Hendricks from Mad Men. Then I made them bigger and realized how horribly, horribly wrong I was. After I finish this post, I will go get my eyeballs rotated or something, because I don’t how I could make that mistake.

Anyway, Tater Head was at some D&G event last night and from far away she looks….well… um… looks…. like this! Not bad. This is probably the best I’ve seen her look in a while. That’s until we get close and see the titty tape, the douchey tattoo only worth of Brody Jenner and the crackie nails. Fix yourself, Tater Head!

Tater also needs to give her boohoo boobies a little pick-me-up, because they look oh-so-sad.

Fantasia Is Losing Her House!

American Idol winner (yup, she won – google it, you dumb fuck) Fantasia is about to get kicked out of one of her Charlotte, North Carolina homes! Real Estalker (via Us Weekly) says Fanny’s 6-bedroom mansion has been foreclosed on and will be auctioned off on January 12th, unless she can come up with the cash to save it.

Fantasia bought the place back in 2007 for $1.3 million. She won’t be totally homeless since her other house in Charlotte isn’t in any kind of trouble.

You know what this calls for? Reality show! Fantasia needs to move to Georgia and join the cast of The Real Housewives of Atlanta. She can bond with NeNe, because they both know how it feels to have the evil eviction man knocking on their door to put all their shit on the curb. And Fanny will not sit on her hands when it’s time to slap Kim’s wig off her head.

Fantasia also needs to join the rest of us and learn how to live off of McDonald’s dollar menu, popcorn, Top Ramen and bologna.

In cheerier Fantasia news, it looks like she finally made her last payment and got those 20-year-old braces taken off her teeth. It must have taken two cranes, three tanker trucks and the Shiba Inu 6 to yank those things off. They were on for at least three lifetimes.

Here’s Fantasia wearing one of Basement Baby’s earlier craft projects at the Cracked Xmas party last night. Even though she put together enough pennies to finally get those braces off, it looks like she didn’t have enough for a full pedicure. They didn’t put the rest of the polish on her toes!