Nicholas Sparks Killed R. Kelly’s Marriage

R. Kelly writes in his memoirs Soulacoaster: The Diary of Me that the reason why his marriage of 12 years slipped down the drain of a urinal wasn’t because he suddenly realized that he’s a dried dingle of dick cheese and his wife is destined for better things like Vh1’s Hollywood Exes. R. Kelly writes (via TMZ) that the movie The Notebook put him through serious changes and made him realize that his own marriage could never go until the end of time like the characters in a fucking movie. This bitch:

“As the film credits started to roll, I couldn’t move. I burst into tears. People walking past me patted me on the back, trying to console me. ‘The Notebook’ was beautiful, and I was crying because its hero and heroine had died together.

But I was also crying because I remembered a Valentine’s Day — when a helicopter dropped a rainfall of roses — that had come and gone … My marriage had died. And there was nothing I could do to bring it back.”

Falling roses on Valentine’s Day? Now that’s a real reason to divorce a bitch. Nothing is romantic about getting slapped in the face with a rose stem after you look up to yell at that loud ass helicopter.

R. Kelly just needs to stop. Seeing the movie didn’t ruin his marriage. What really happened is that after he strolled out of theater and looked at the movie poster of rain falling on Rachel McAdams, he realized that he needed to leave his wife and focus all of his time on what really makes his douche heart full: making it rain piss on underage girls in hotel rooms.

Non-Shocking Headline Of The Day: Lindsay Lohan Lied To The Cops

Lies flow out of Lindsay Lohan’s mouth as often as entire bottles of bottom shelf whiskey flows into White Oprah’s mouth, so this latest development in the slow motion car crash that is her entire life is about as surprising as the news that I once again almost peed in the bathroom sink this morning, because I was too lazy to lift up the toilet lid. As for why that toilet lid was down to begin with… A lazy-hating ghost is fucking with me, obviously.

TMZ, who I’m beginning to think has a secret wire stashed in Blohan’s top lip, is hearing that when the cops came to the hospital to interview her about crashing her Porsche into that semi-truck, she told them the opposite of the truth. Bitch said that she was a passenger in the car and it was her assistant who was driving. You might be thinking to yourself, “But why would this dumb, stupid, moronic, self-entitled skid mark of mess lie to the cops about that?” Because if you put on a Hazmat-approved mask and pulled her chonies down, you’d find a gold seal on her ass with the words “CERTIFIED PATHOLOGICAL MESS” on it. But if you’re going to be a pathological liar, you need to be smart about it, which this ho isn’t. LiLo probably figured her assistant would stick with her story, but he didn’t. LiLo’s assistant ratted her out and told the cops she was the one driving. Well, not only is that dude probably out of a job, but you know LiLo is going to get every drug dealer in L.A. to blacklist him. Dude will never be able to buy a dime bag in that town again! That hurts.

Witnesses at the scene of the crash tell TMZ that they watched both LiLo and her assistant crawl out of the passenger side of the car after the accident. That means she climbed out of the drivers seat and into the passenger seat. That’s the part I don’t understand. Why didn’t they switch seats if she wanted to make it look like he was the one driving? If LiLo’s assistant refused to be an accessory to illegal fuckery, why didn’t she just wrap her strong arm lips around his neck and pull him into the drivers seat? I swear, this ho needs to be better at scamming.

The cops apparently wrote LiLo’s lie in their report and that could get her probation yanked away. Giving fraudulent information to a cop is a crime and she could go to jail for doing it.

If this is true (you know it is) and if LiLo gets into trouble for lying (you know she won’t), she’ll spend a total of zero seconds in a cell. LiLo will sashay into Lynwood, blow air kisses at her old friends at the VIP check-in counter and take a glamour shot for their celebrity wall of beauty before sashaying back out. The California Justice system is her whore and I’m sure the Lady Justice statue has “Lindsay’s Bitch” tattooed on its taint. I think I saw it during a school field trip.

Scout Willis Arrested For Underage Boozing

Scout Willis, the middle spawn of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore, learned the hard way that the next time she wants a quick afternoon buzz, she should probably get into her mom’s stash of whip-its and huff at home. Because while drinking a “Pakistani beer” (that is a highly important fact for this highly important story, obviously) in Manhattan’s Union Square last night, a cop came up to her and asked for her ID. 20-year-old Scout gets the Dumb Bitch of the Day tag, because instead of chin-ing the officer in the nose before disappearing into the sewers, she handed over a fake ID belonging to someone named Katharine Kelly. It’s sad that this Ore-Rida brand ho’s parents never taught her to only use a fake ID to get into bars, buy cigarettes and to get a job in the porn industry. Don’t give that shit to a cop!

The NYDN says that after Scout, who’s a student Brown University, gave the cop a fake ID, he realized it wasn’t her (I wonder why?) and questioned her ass. Scout then confessed to being 20-year-old Scout Willis and brought her real California ID out. The cop immediately arrested her ass and took her in. Scout was charged with criminal impersonation and breaking the open container law, and released a couple of hours later without bail. She’ll have to answer to the charges in court on July 31st.

Arresting a 20-year-old sipping on a beer is stupid and a waste of time, and that cop’s theme song is obviously “Cold As Ice.” If he had a heart, he would’ve gone into the nearest liquor store, bought a jumbo size bottle of the strongest shit in there and handed it over to Scout, because if anybody needs a serious drink it’s one of Bruce and Demi’s daughters. That being said, the next time Scout tries to use a fake ID, she should make sure it belongs to a Moai.

(Picture via Pacific Coast News)

Homebody Lindsay Lohan Got Into Another Fight At A Club

Over a week ago, some trick accused mess of all messes Lindsay Lohan of getting violent with her at The Standard hotel’s Smoke & Mirrors club. LiLo shat out a river of denial and said the trick got the wrong crackie, because she was at home watching TV like the homebody she is. I believed LiLo at the time, because Amanda Bynes was at Smoke & Mirrors that night and since she’s the frontrunner to become America’s Next Top Trainwreck, I figured it was a case of mistaken skank identity. But now there’s this. LiLo went to Smoke & Mirrors last night and got into a verbal fight which ended with a girl throwing a drink at her. Oh, and Michael Lohan was there too.

TMZ says that before the club fight, LiLo called Michael Lohan to help her out after the car she was in hit another car in the hotel parking lot. LiLo says she wasn’t driving, but that piece of trash is known for switching seats after accidents, so who knows. Michael Lohan showed up and did what Michael Lohan does. He kicked vaginas, climbed trees and threatened to kill everybody. You know, typical Michael Lohan stuff. Once Michael handed that situation, he took LiLo inside Smoke & Mirror, because a so-called recovering alcoholic taking another so-called recovering alcoholic into a club is a good idea and Lohans are known for following up on all good ideas.

A source says that even though Michael and LiLo stayed until last call, they didn’t touch the sweet nectar. Just as they were starting to leave, a chick in a booth made fun of LiLo for being there with her dad. LiLo screamed “Shut the fuck up” at the chick and the chick responded by launching a cocktail at her. Surprisingly, Michael Lohan didn’t respond by kicking every vagina in the room. Michael grabbed LiLo and the two left.

LiLo is such a freckled disaster that even if she did stay home, she’d still get in a drunken fight with a plastic ficus tree for looking at her sideways and trying to steal her man: a floor lamp from Pier 1. But now that I think about, I bet LiLo staged the whole thing and let the cocktail thrower snort an extra line in the bathroom if she agreed to throw the drink. If LiLo didn’t get a drink thrown at her, she wouldn’t be able to say, “No, I don’t smell like my mom’s piss because all those jumbo iced chamomile teas I drank were really pure whiskey. I smell like that because an evil bitch threw an entire bottle of Jack at innocent me. Everybody’s out to get me! Are you going to drink that?”

Smart move, actually.

Okay, okay, just for today LiLo’s title gets slightly upgraded from “mega dumb bitch” to “semi dumb bitch.”

And here’s a few pictures of LiLo hanging out with her brother in her backyard over the weekend. The photo agency tells me they were taken at Coachella, but that’s impossible since LiLo never EVER leaves her house.

Start The Countdown To Kelsey Grammer’s Fourth Divorce

In Chicago over the weekend, a tattoo artist got a face full of luscious gut fur when he inked the kiss of marriage death on Kelsey Grammer’s body. The Chicago Sun-Times (via People) says that Kelsey and his child wife Kayte Walsh sashayed into a tattoo shop in Noble Square on Saturday night and he paid $60 to get her name tattooed in fancy font on his shimmy place (aka his right hip). Kelsey was nice to everyone and blah blah blah, but the best quote comes from the 72-year-old memaw of the tattoo artist.

“She (Kayte) was pretty, but not gorgeous, in your face. . . . They were fun. Very friendly and into each other. They were just talking and enjoying each other.”

That dot dot dot is Braille for: like the stunning silicone dragon flower Camille Grammer. We know which 72-year-old memaw from Illinois has a Team Camille leotard in her drawer.

Kelsey is a dumb bitch and he’s obviously so straponmatized that he doesn’t realize getting your piece’s name tattooed on his body is like setting up a game of Spin the Bottle between his marriage certificate and the Grim Reaper, but I don’t think that tattoo was totally a bad decision. I mean, just think of the precious image of Kelsey showing off his fancy tattoo by cocking his hip while wearing his favorite pink satin panties. Yes, that’s what it feels like when your brain jizzes glitter.

Another Day, Another Ho Accusing Lindsay Lohan Of Battery

For once, the “dumb bitch” tag doesn’t only apply to a Lohan in this post.

Some woman filed a police report in West Hollywood over the weekend claiming that she’s the latest victim to feel the coke-infused wrath of the freckled terror, because she says Lindsay Lohan went after her at The Standard hotel on Thursday night. The woman says she was talking to one of LiLo’s dude friends, and LiLo didn’t like it so she started shoving and pushing at her ass. Ho says that she’s got bruises on her back to prove she was pushed. When TMZ ran this story yesterday, they asked LiLo’s spokeswhore for a comment, and of course he gave them a river of denial that only flows out of White Oprah’s ass:

“Lindsay was absolutely not involved in any sort of altercation whatsoever. This is clearly another case of someone looking for money and 15 minutes of fame.”

Then LiLo later told TMZ that it was impossible for her to push a trick at a club since she was at home watching episodes of Homeland that night.

There are two sides to every story and LiLo has already snorted both of those sides up, so I don’t know who to believe. If security footage came out clearly showing LiLo at The Standard, she’d still say, “It wasn’t me! It was Axl Rose! Bitches get us confused a lot!,” so you can’t trust anything that pours of her mouth. That said, there’s a history of hos trying to scam the scammer of all scammers, so this supposed victim could be making it all up hoping to get a check.

If LiLo is lying, then that woman learned the hard way to never mess with one of LiLo’s johns unless you’re okay with scrubbing out coke residue and fake tan grease from the back of your dress after she pushes you out of the way. If the woman is lying, then I am so mad at her for making me side with a Lohan. (Although, the Lohans do have better party favors on their side.)