Category: Dreams Do Come True
Three Words: OH GOD YES!
The bad news is that if mutated Boglin Donald Trump wins the GOP presidential nomination, he won’t choose Sarah Palin as his VP. The good news is that Trump won’t pick Sarah, because she’ll probably be too busy trying to be a TV star again.
People says that the current baddest freestyle rapper in the game has signed a deal with production company Warm Springs to do a syndicated court show like Judge Judy. Sarah Palin may become Judge Mama Grizzly! The show doesn’t have a name yet (SPOILER ALERT: They’re going to call it “I Can See Your Guilt From My House“) and no stations have picked it up yet (SPOILER ALERT: Wasilla Public Access is going to buy the exclusive rights to it), but the plan is to shoot a pilot where Judge Mama Grizzly spits out nonsense from her salad spinner of a mouth while presiding over cases. No, Sarah Palin doesn’t have a law degree, but I’m sure she has an online certificate in Keeping It Real from the Community College of Hard Knocks and that’s all that matters.
Warm Springs has already put together a team that includes an executive from Judge Judy and Judge Joe Brown. The source also dribbled about this stream of messiness:
“It’s a production deal. What happens next is she’ll meet with stations, make a pilot and sell it. Palin’s telegenic personality, wide appeal and common sense wisdom make her a natural for this kind of format and she was Warm Springs’ top pick for this project.”
Are they hiring writers yet? Because to write Sarah Palin’s lines for her, all you have to do is take a lot of pain killers, get drunk, pull all the pages out of a “word of the day” desk calendar and then randomly arrange them in sentences. That’s pretty much the technique I use to write my Dlisted posts. And Sarah Palin doing a court show is like Dr. Jenny McCarthy and Dr. Kristin Cavawhatever doing a medical advice show. I can’t wait!
Pic: Splash
Wait, Something Called “The Gronk’s Party Ship” Happened This Past Weekend?
If I would’ve known that something called The Gronk’s Party Ship was happening before it happened, I still wouldn’t have packed a duffle bag full of antibiotics and jumped aboard, but I’m still glad it happened, because it has gifted my eyes with many bro jewels.
Rob Gronkowski, the hot douche meathead from the New England Patriots, hosted a 3-day booze cruise to the Bahamas this past weekend and if you know of The Gronk, it went exactly the way you’d think it went. Everybody was pretty much shit-faced the entire time, they were entertained by Flo Rida, Waka Flaka Flame and Redfoo from LMFAO, The Gronk offered a couple $10,000 to fuck in front of everyone and another couple got engaged on the ship. Nice try, second couple, but getting engaged on The Gronk cruise isn’t as nearly as romantic as fucking in front of everyone on The Gronk cruise.
If you put a magnifying glass over a Jäger shot sitting in the belly button of a Spring Breaker covered in body glitter, you’d see scenes from The Gronk’s booze cruise. It was like a bro’s heaven. There were probably more crabs on the boat than in the sea below them. Deadspin, ESPN and The Boston Globe all have a rundown of The Gronk’s booze cruise, but here’s something that happened. The Gronk served up drunken moves with Flo Rida’s back-up dancers. He looks like a methed-up Baby Huey trying to put out a fire on the ground as red ants attack his ass and dick.
But the best part of The Gronk’s party cruise is that most of the ship had no idea what was going on. 700 people were part of The Gronk’s cruise and the other 1,600 people on the ship thought they were going on a regular, boring sail to the Bahamas. They had no idea that they were about to be trapped in a floating Spring Break nightmare. The mixture of random old people mixed with Gronk fans produced this beautiful moment:
The bros got mad moves on the #GronkPartyShip. pic.twitter.com/HVBkavtdnB
— James Reed (@jreedwrites) February 20, 2016
Grandmas getting down + bros in bucket hats with hot moves + Montell Jordan + a half-empty dance floor = me channeling Old Rose by saying, “The Gronk Party Cruise was the ship of dreams….”
Pic: Boston Globe/Getty
Goldie Hawn, Diane Keaton And Bette Midler Are Reuniting For A Movie That Isn’t A Sequel To “The First Wives Club”
Goldie Hawn, Diane Keaton and Bette Midler said hell no to a sequel to the highly quotable classic The First Wives Club, because even though it made millions upon million of dollars and was a success, the studio’s offer was trash. They were offered the same deal they got for the first movie. So a First Wives Club sequel never happened (but you know those evil demons of Hollywood are planning to do a reboot starring Jennifer Lawrence, Emma Stone and Amy Schumer). But Deadline says that the three are reuniting for a Netflix movie. Since Netflix is in the reuniting mood, can they please reunite the cast of 9 to 5 by putting Dolly Parton on Grace & Frankie?!
Deadline says that Goldie, Diane and Bette will star in a movie called Divanation, which is also the name of Mariah Carey’s city on Sim City Build-It. The three of them will play the member of a once-popular girl group who had a messy split and are forced to reunite after 30 years of not seeing each other’s faces. Producers are currently looking for a director and the second draft is being written right now.
I know the plot doesn’t really fit and they’re too old, but I still hope that Divanation is a Wilson Phillips biopic starring Goldie as Chynna Phillips, Diane Keaton as Wendy Wilson and Bette Midler as Carnie Wilson.
And the only way Divanation could get any better is if the producers get Elizabeth Berkley to recreate the Oscar-worthy performance she gave as Victor Garber’s underage trophy piece (yeah, she played 16, it’s make believe) in First Wives Club.
Pic: Getty
Prepare To Be Fully Enlightened: Jaden Smith Is Writing A Philosophy Book
Those of us who have read any of Jaden Smith’s interviews or tweets know that his words and thoughts are otherworldly star beams that lift our consciousness above the universe where it dances with the breaths of aliens to the sound of humming UFO engines. (I know, I should switch my weed strain or stop reading Jaden Smith quotes.) If a short Jaden Smith interview can do that to a person, imagine what an entire book of his thoughts will be able to do.
Amazon will soon stop carrying the works of Plato, Nietzsche and Confucius, because Will and Jada Pinkett Smith’s child is apparently writing a philosophy book and it will become the only philosophy book this world needs. A source tells UsWeekly that 17-year-old homeschool student Jaden Smith, who is well on his way to becoming valedictorian of his class of 1, is currently writing a collection of essays. The source says that Jaden thinks he’s the new Sylvia Browne, because he can feel spirits from other dimensions. Jaden also hopes that his book will turn him into the teenage Dalai Lama of Calabasas.
“Jaden sees himself as a modern-day prophet and is working on a collection of essays. They’re new takes on string theory and chaos theory, but more mystical. Jaden thinks he has spiritual ties to people in other dimensions and galaxies, and they are helping him write. He hopes to have a spiritual following when he releases these.”
So basically, he’s writing Dianetics for Kids!
See, this is what happens when you mix together a privileged rich kid, Scientology, zero discipline and a never-ending supply of the good shit. You get a future cult leader who will preach to his followers about his hot take on chaos theory as they shop for jersey t-shirt dresses and get froyo. And I will be really disappointed in Jaden if the pages of his philosophy book aren’t infused with weed.
Pic: Wenn.com
The Gay Remake Of “Hart To Hart” We’ve All Been Waiting For Is Happening
Technically, I haven’t been waiting for a gay remake of Hart to Hart, because I didn’t know it was possible. It’s one of those things that I didn’t know I needed in my life until now. Sure, if Hollywood is going to make a show about a glamorous crime solver whose hunger for catching killers is as strong as their hunger for the finer things in life, they should make a show about Detective La Toya Jackson, but this is the next best thing. I usually hate remakes more than lube that dries too fast, but I can’t hate on the return of Hart to Hart.
Deadline reports that NBC is working on a reboot of the classic, which ran from 1979 to 1984 and starred Robert Wagner as Jonathan Hart and Stefanie Powers as the glamour goddess Jennifer Hart. In the reboot, Jonathan and Jennifer Hart have been replaced by an opulent jet-settling gay couple who travel the world solving crimes.
Written by Christopher Fife (Revenge, Private Practice), based on the Sidney Sheldon-created original, the new Hart To Hart is described as a modern and sexy retelling of the classic series that focuses on “by the book” attorney Jonathan Hart and free-spirited investigator Dan Hartman, who must balance the two sides of their life: action-packed crime-solving in the midst of newly found domesticity. The project, which has received a script commitment plus penalty after interest from multiple networks, is executive produced by Fife and Carol Mendelsohn Prods.’ Mendelsohn and Julie Weitz.
I’m not going to get too excited over this, though, because it’s in development, which means it could spend the rest of its life eating dust on the shelves while shit like a teenage remake of Bewitched starring Lorde (that wasn’t a suggestion, Hollywood) gets made. So I won’t believe it until I see a trailer of the gay Hart to Hart starring Harald Gloockler, John Barrowman and Stefanie Powers as Maxine (that was a suggestion, Hollywood).
The 80s Supermodel TV Show Of My Dreams Is Coming
I know, I know, technically that picture was taken in the early 90s, but who cares about petty details when there’s good news to talk about for a change.
Variety says that the NBC peacock has finally pulled its head out of its ass and is doing what it should’ve done a long time ago. NBC is making a TV show about the modeling world in the 80s. One of George Clooney’s drinking partners and one of the biggest supermodels of all-time, Cindy Crawford, is producing the drama with Anne Heche and Anne’s husband James Tupper. Random IS Anne Heche and Cindy Crawford making a glamorous TV show about warring models in the 80s. Variety has a few details:
“Icon,” hailing from Universal TV, revolves around the modeling wars in the ’80s that occurred between Ford Modeling Agency and Elite Model Management. The show is completely fictionalized, rather than a re-telling of Crawford’s own experiences. No actual names of models or figures from the time will be used.
I know we’ve all been waiting for Cindy Crawford to once again knock us over with her impeccable acting skills the way she did in Fair Game, but she’s not going to be in it. She’s strictly producing.
This world needs a lot of things, but it really needs a TV show about 80s models. I hope Cindy, Anne and Anne’s husband don’t fuck it up. I also hope it’s a hit, because if it is, it may lead to reboots of Models Inc. and the 80s jewel that never got the chance to fully sparkle: Paper Dolls!
Actually, Cindy should just go ahead and save herself some time and just remake Paper Dolls using the original cast.
Pics: Peter Lindbergh