It Only Took 20 Years: Kimmy Gibbler Is FINALLY Getting Her Own Show!

Hollywood committed a highly illegal sin in 1995 when Full House went off the air and they didn’t immediately give the show’s only major star Kimmy Gibbler her own spin-off show where she goes off to NYC and works as a nanny for a gold-plated rich bitch and moves in with a future Broadway star who is obsessed with Cats (they didn’t have Lion King on Broadway then). They could’ve called it The Unbreakable Kimmy Gibbler. They fucked up majorly, but they have finally righted that wrong.

TVLine says that Full House has joined the really long list of shows being rebooted. Netflix is expected to order 13 episodes of Fuller House, which will star Andrea Barber as KIMMY GIBBLER!!! and Candace Cameron Bure as that whiny character nobody cares about. Some of the other Full Housers will guest star on that shit and John Stamos is going to get an executive producer credit.

Fellow Full House vets John Stamos, Bob Saget and Dave Coulier are being eyed to make guest appearances, with Stamos having a producer role, as well. The project is being shepherded by the original show’s creator, Jeff Franklin, who will exec-produce alongside Thomas L. Miller and Robert L. Boyett (both of whom also EP’d the original).

Here’s my prediction for Fuller House:

Kimmy Gibbler is the richest person in San Francisco who made her fortune from reinventing the scrunchie. She bought the Tanner’s house and let them all move back in because she felt sorry for their broke asses.

DJ Tanner married Steve, but only a few months into the marriage she realized that she can’t stop lying to herself. She came out as a lesbian, quit her job as an administrative assistant at a low-level PR company and now devotes her time to being a pro-marriage equality activist and feminist. (Dear writers, please do this to Candace Cameron Bure.)

Stephanie Tanner runs a meth lab in the basement without Kimmy Gibbler knowing and she uses Mr. Bear to smuggle the bad shit across the boarder into Canada.

Michelle died, but her ghost still haunts the Tanner house. If the Olsens guest star, this the only way to explain their current day appearance.

Amy Pascal Wants Idris Elba To Be The Next Bond

In “Something My Nipples And Sex Parts Really Want To Happen” news…

FINALLY, something feel goody (besides those saint-dragging emails, of course) has come out of this Sony Hacking ESCANDALO of 2014. Many of the hacked Sony e-mails were about the new James Bond movie and how thanks to its $300 million budget it might become the most expensive movie ever made. They barely started production on this one, but they’re already looking to future Bond movies. The Daily Beast says that in an e-mail from January, Sony co-chair Amy Pascal writes that she thinks Panty Creamer Hall of Famer Idris Elba should be the next James Bond when Daniel Craig’s contract is up. Daniel Craig is contracted for one more Bond movie after this Spectre shit.

An email sent on January 4, 2014, from Pascal to Elizabeth Cantillon, former executive vice president of production for Columbia Pictures, which distributes the Bond films, simply says, “Idris should be the next bond.”

Idris has said before that if he was offered Bond, he’d snatch it up fast.

If Idris Elba gets cast as James Bond, it’ll be the best move a studio has made since greenlighting Showgirls. Who cares if Idris Elba is 42 and will be close to kissing 50 by the time he’s James Bond, if he’s James Bond. Daniel Craig is 46 and will probably be a 50-something Bond himself. I’d watch Idris Elba as a 75-year-old James Bond and I’d still love seeing him catch the evil fucks while working a walker. But if Idris Elba plays James Bond, they’d have to change his agent code. He couldn’t be Agent 007. If those pictures he said weren’t of his dick really were of his dick, then he’d be Agent XX8andahalfmaybe9.

Since we’re on the subject of Bond dream casting, here’s my dream Bond girl Bai Ling giving you mystery and intrigue at some event in L.A. on  Thursday night.

Pics: Wenn.com

Lupita Nyongo’s Going To Be In Star Wars 7

The entire Internet collectively did the slow wall slide of sadness and warbled out a tornado of woe when the cast for the cinematic Viagra for nerds, Star Wars VII, was announced and Lupita Nyong’o’s name wasn’t mentioned. But the producers righted that wrong today when they announced that Lupita Nyong’o will be in it. Also, if you were outside today and a splatter of extra chunky white bird poo landed on your forehead. That wasn’t bird poo. It was nerd jizz falling from the sky, because it was also announced that a chick from Games of Thrones joined Star Wars VII, which is shooting right now.

Lupita Nyong’o joins the recently announced cast of Star Wars: Episode VII. This year, her breakthrough performance in 12 Years a Slave earned her an Academy Award for Best Supporting Actress. Gwendoline Christie, currently starring in the hit television series Game of Thrones as Brienne of Tarth, has also been cast in the production. She can next be seen in The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 2.

“I could not be more excited about Lupita and Gwendoline joining the cast of Episode VII,” says Lucasfilm president Kathleen Kennedy. “It’s thrilling to see this extraordinarily talented ensemble taking shape.”

This is the best move that Lupita could ever make, because now she’s set up for life thanks to Comic-Con MONAY! Lupita’s career could crash and burn, but she’ll forever be able to pay the mortgage on her condo, because a nerd will always gladly pay her $30 to sign her character name in Aurebesh on his right tit. And Gwnedoline Christie is in GoT, Hunger Games AND Star Wars. Triple whammy! Her children’s children’s children are set up, because the nerds will be making it rain hurricane on her for years to come.

Here’s Lupita at the Veuve Clicquot Polo Classic in Liberty State Park yesterday.

In “SANTO DIOS, Let This Be True!” News: Bruce Jenner And Cher Are Dating

File under: This is the kind of magic that happens when a creative writing major gets an internship at InTouch Weekly.

There’s only 6 answers to the question, “Who is fabulous and fancy enough to hold their own next to the glamorous swan Bruce Jenner?” The answers are: Harald Glööckler, Walter Mercado, Angelyne, Verdine White, a grey poodle in a red sequined smock and CHER! So that’s why this totally real and not-at-all made-up story from The Wall Street Journal of tabloids InTouch Weekly is Botoxed perfection covered in cotton candy-flavored lip gloss. A source (FYI: The name of InTouch’s intern is Alexander Source) says that Bruce Jenner is cleansing his palate of Pimp Mama Kris’ Satantic venom with the high-gloss, oil-based paint that Cher smears on her lips. The source went on to say that Cher and Bruce Jenner (couple name: BruChe. Saying “Broo-Shay” out loud will make a Barbie earring poot out of your b-hole. Yes, that’s where missing Barbie earrings go) have known each other since the 70s and lately they’ve been getting closer and closer and have spent time together at her house in Malibu.

“Cher has been a real confidante to Bruce about his marital problems with Kris,” an insider tells In Touch, explaining that although Cher and Bruce have been friends since the ’70s, they’ve recently been texting and talking nonstop. “They’ve become even closer since Bruce has been spending more time in Malibu — where Cher lives.”

And the recently rekindled friendship is seriously irking the 58-year-old momager. “Kris hasn’t completely given up on her marriage to Bruce yet, so she sees Cher as a threat,” the insider tells In Touch.

“Kris believes that a Bruce-Cher romance is a very real possibility,” says the insider, “and it really upsets her.”

Of course Pimp Mama Kris’ ass lips are getting hot over this. She’s the ambassador to Hell whose sole job is to bring darkness to the world and Cher is an earth angel whose sole job is to bring glitter, wigs and lightness to the world. This is the ultimate battle of good vs. cuntiness and Cher always wins. But who cares about PMK. This is about the most stunning couple of our time. They’re like the lesbian Siegfried and Roy. If the cross-dressing rumors about Bruce are true, then his porn must be Cher’s closet. When friends say, “Those two are so in love that they never leave the house,” they’re not lying.

When they’re not lip-synching to Cher’s songs while strutting around in her wigs and ass-less bedazzled bodysuits in her closet, they’re getting real intimate with each other. No, they don’t fuck. They both don’t want to ruin their makeup. On romantic nights, Cher slips into something more comfortable (read: a rhinestone encrusted hospital gown), gently grabs Bruce’s freshly manicured paw, leads him to a darkened room down the hall, sits him in a chair next to hers and then pulls out two gold syringes full of life’s beauty serum: BOTOX. They take turns filling each other’s faces with that hot sticky Botox and after they’ve repeatedly convulsed with pleasure, they get up and collapse on a faux fur rug where they lie down while talking about astrology for 3 hours. They’re the perfect couple. And no, I have no thoughts on the Ukraine situation, but I have a lot of thoughts about a fake story from InTouch. I’m a really well-rounded individual.

And here’s Bruce Jenner having a moment with the luckiest banana in the world on Mother’s Day:

Pics: Splash

A Spice Girls (Sans Posh) & Backstreet Boys Tour Might Happen

The Backstreet Boys/New Kids on the Block tour made $40 million, because us sluts from the 80s were willing to empty out our checking account to fulfill our dream of throwing our wet panties at Joey McIntyre’s face. The Spice Girls reunion tour made $70 million. So because both of their tours made ten ass loads of money and many of them are always in need of a check, they’re talking about joining forces in a Backstreet Dadz and Spice Momz world tour. The 90s keeps finding ways to let us know that it’s officially back, but when is it going to prove to us that it’s really REALLY back by giving us a reboot of The Torkelsons. People say God’s looking out for the working man, but when is God going to look out for those of us who want The Torkelsons back? Anyway…

Brian Littrell supposedly told The Sun (via MTV UK) that the BSB are in early talks to do a world tour with the Spice Girls. Because this is coming from The Sun, Brian Littrell could be the name of their weekday intern who made this shit up. If it is true, then the Spice Girls will have to perform as a foursome, because after the Summer Olympics in London, Posh said that she was way too busy with her fashion empire to move her lips and pose pose pose on stage with the group that made her famous. To quote my cousin when my other cousin brought her own Trader’s Joe wine to a family party because she didn’t want to drink beer: “Bitch thinks she’s fancy now.”

I’ve seen the Spice Girls a couple of times and Posh was always the best part. Bitch stays doing the least. She basically stood in one spot in a hot dress, pointed every now and again and sort of moved her lips. I’ve seen dead grasshoppers move more than she did. The Spice Girls are NOTHING without her. But you know, they could replace her with a bitchy-looking broomstick in a brown weave. Nobody would really know the difference. Well, they’d have to shave a few inches off of that broomstick to make it look as skinny as Posh.

And since the BSB are into making money by touring with other groups from the 90s, here’s what their future tours are going to look like:

2016 – The Backstreet Boys & Hanson North America Tour!

2018 – The Backstreet Boys & TLC European And Some Parts Of North America Tour!

2023 – The Backstreet Boys & Destiny’s StepChildren (aka DC without Beyonce) County Fair Tour!

2025 – The Backstreet Boys & Vengaboys 7-Eleven Parking Lot Tour!

2035 – The Backstreet Pepaws & Aqua Retirement Home Cafeteria Tour!

I better put an extra $50 in my IRA, because I’m going to need it for that last tour.

The Greatest News In The Universe And Beyond: A Jem And The Holograms Movie Is Happening

Fred Phelps is dead, there’s a Bea Arthur iPhone game, the world has been gifted with a boy pussy anthem and Hollywood is making a Jem and the Holograms movie! It’s not only the first day of Spring and International Day of Happiness, it’s also International Gay Day!

I don’t know how I’m typing this, because as soon as I read the headline, “Jon M. Chu is Directing a Jem and the Holograms Film,” I burst into a cloud of star-shaped pink glitter. The day every child of the 80s has been waiting for ever since Jem and the Holograms (and more importantly, my hot bitch idols The Misfits) disappeared off of our TV screens in 1988 has FINALLY arrived. In an announcement that is the video equivalent of God saying, “See, I answer your prayers sometimes,” director Jon M. Chu and producers Jason Blum and Scooter Braun say that they’re making a Jem movie and are asking fans for creative ideas. I hate Scooter Braun for helping to create the urethra plug known as Justin Bieber, but I hate him a little less today. Scooter Braun has somewhat atoned for his sins by trying to make this happen (but he’ll probably fuck it up):

I have 2 issues with this:

1. Jon M. Chu directed G.I. Joe: Retaliation and anybody who rented that mess on VOD and ten minutes in thought to themselves, “I should’ve spent that money on Monster Tacos from Jack in the Box instead,” knows how that turned out.

2. They are moving it to modern day. How can they take what is arguably the Hope Diamond of the 80s and 2014-ize it? Does my soul really want to be exposed to a Jem movie where all the songs are EDM, she communicates with Synergy through FaceTime and her pink star earring is an iEarring by Apple? A Jem movie NEEDS to be made, so I will deal with it.

My dream cast is obvious (Stacey Q in practically every role), so here’s my nightmare cast, which will probably end up being the real cast since Scooter Braun is involved:

Jem / Jerrica Benton – Ke$hit
Kimber Benton – Taylor Swift
Aja Leith – In the cartoon she’s Asian, which means they’ll cast Katy Perry
Shana Elmsford – In the cartoon she’s black, which means they’ll cast Miley Cyrus
Carmen “Raya” Alonso – Selena Gomez

Pizzazz – Emma Roberts
Roxy – Vanessa Hudgens
Stormer – Lorde
Jetta – Jessie J

Synergy – A hologram based on Katherine Heigl and voiced by Goopy Paltrow

But whatever, I’m still going to celebrate with a song!

And another!