I Pray This Is Just Daniel Day-Lewis Getting Method For A Film About A Crappy Teenage Rapper

Full disclosure: I’ve listened to this song 6 times in a row and I can honestly say, without a shred of irony or exaggeration, that a song has never made me wish I was born deaf more than this (although my ears did just ask me if I own a gun, so it looks like hearing suicide might be right around the corner. THANK GOD).

Just when you thought the bar for terrible rich-kid rap was set as high as it could by Tom Hanks’s douchey son Chet (and, TBH, I really didn’t think it could possibly get any worse than that) Daniel Day-Lewis’s son pops up out of nowhere to slap the mic out of Chet’s hand and remind us that it can always get worse. Everyone, I’d like to introduce you to 19-year-old Gabe Day-Lewis, a teenage rapper who makes makes Justin Bieber look like Killer Mike. Gabe Day-Lewis’s song Green Auras is as clueless as you’d expect a spoiled rich son-of-Hollywood’s song about keeping-it-real to be, and it’s really terrific for a laugh and an eye-roll. However, in the event you don’t want to listen to this garbage (you’re strong; will you be my life coach?) I’ll give you the Cliffs Notes:

– Gabe’s idols are J. Cole and Nas (Nas: “Wow, that’s a bummer“)
– Gabe loves smoking weed. It may be his favourite thing ever (well, next to picking words at random from a rhyming dictionary and calling it rap)
– Gabe is ‘kicking it’ at Sarah Lawrence College; I believe that’s where DMX got his BA in Modern Languages and Literature (I could be wrong)
– Gabe is wearing a wooden Africa necklace because WHY. No really, why the fuck is he wearing that?!?
– Gabe wants you to call him Gabe Day, and not Gabe Day-Lewis. He also says that “judging someone for their dad is just as bad as being racist“. WHOAH. Hold. The. Fucking. Phone. Daniel Plainview, come pick up your kid.

There’s not much else to say about the video except that it looks like Gabe Day-Lewis saw Alison Gold’s Chinese Food and told his Daddy: “I want that, but instead of Chinese food, make it about smoking weed.” Green Auras is the son-of-an-Oscar winner version of asking Daddy for a $2000 gift certificate to ARK Music Factory for your birthday.

And if Gabe Day-Lewis was a Pokemon, his final form is Ras Trent, right?

via Noisey

But Does The Skirt Detach?

The Shrine Auditorium is still standing today and that means that Anne Hathaway won the SAG Award for Best Supporting Actress, because if she didn’t she would’ve screamed and bawled until the entire building collapsed into a pile of dust and tears. To accept her 699th award of the year, the 15-year-old theater nerd trapped in the body of an Anne Hathaway wore a see-through skirt over a shorty cocktail dress covered in black aquarium rocks.

I don’t know how to feel about this dress. On one hand, that skirt might be detachable and I have serious feelings about skirts that detach. It looks like something Lucille Ball would’ve worn to a funeral party in the 80s. On the other hand, methinks that skirt wasn’t detachable, because if it was it would’ve detached itself from that annoying ass ho as she gave another annoying ass acceptance speech (click here to see it). Bitch is always out of breath and she tries really hard to come across as humble, but she’s about as humble as Kanye West.

On a positive note, I am starting to like the mop on Anne Hathaway’s head. She obviously goes to the same barber as John Krasinski. If she shaved her sides, she’d have Justin Timberlake hair. I bet during commercials breaks, Justin and Anne shared a flat iron and a can of AquaNet in the ladies lounge.

Here’s a few pictures from last night’s SAGs. In order!: Peter Pan in funeral drag, Jaimie Alexander, Dr. Blossom, Jessica Chastain, B. Coop, Marion Cotillard, Claire Danes, a construction worker, Michelle Dockery, Nurse Jackie, Tina Fey, Jennifer Garner, the owner of the Hammaconda with Jennifer Westfeldt, Julianne Marguiles, Taye Diggs with Idina Menzel, Julianne Moore, Amy Poehler, Amanda Seyfried, Timberlake, Sofia Vergara and Naomi Watts.

Daniel Day-Lewis’ Kids Barely Found Out That He’s An Oscar-Winning Movie Star

Daniel Day-Lewis, seen here working a pair of glorious wolf brows at the Santa Barbara Film Festival last night, has done over two dozen movies, has two Oscars, travels all over the world for his job and probably sometimes has to sign the left foot of fans who slobber on him in public. But even though Daniel Day-Lewis spends a lot of time with his kids, since he doesn’t act in movies back-to-back, they barely found out that he’s THEE Daniel Day-Lewis. They thought he was in construction! DDL said this to The Sun and The Mirror (via Digital Spy):

“Some actors work back to back because they have to, and I completely respect that. If financially I found my family needed me to do that then I would find some way of doing it. Thanks be to God I haven’t been put in that position. I may be very uneasy – truth is I’d probably sooner go and try and find work in the construction crew than make films back to back.”

Speaking of working in construction…

“[My three sons] didn’t even know what I was doing until a couple of years ago. In fact, my 14-year-old boy was asked what I did and he said, ‘I think he’s in construction’. That’s how much they know!”

Does DDL not have TV, internet or current day newspapers in his house? Does DDL keep his three sons locked in a tree house and the only living things they’re allowed to talk to are birds and butterflies? Are DDL’s sons Nell? I mean, how can you be a teenager and not know that Daniel Day-Lewis is your dad?!

But you know, I bet DDL’s kids didn’t only think he was in construction. During the late 90s, DDL always came home with black eyes and he cursed all the time while mumbling about prison life, so they thought he was an ex-con turned boxer. In the early 2000s, DDL grew a curly moustache, carried a butchered rabbit body and talked in a funny accent while threatening everybody with his knife, so his kids thought he was an old timey New York City crime boss. Then a few years ago, DDL always wore a top hat and every time he’d see a black person, he’d grab their hand while saying, “I will free you soon,” so they figured he was the 16th President of the United States.

And since DDL’s kids thought he worked in construction, we all know what he’s going to be in his next movie. Yes, he’s going to play a construction worker and yes, he’ll win all the Oscars for it.

This Is The Look: Tommy Lee Jones’ Luscious Wig In Lincoln

I’m probably not going to watch Steven Spielberg’s Lincoln biopic, because if I want to learn more about old timey American history, I’ll just play another round of The Oregon Trailer on my Apple II. But if you’re going to see it, please clap during the end credits when you see the words: “All Gorgeous Wigs Furnished By Shh! It’s A Wig.” Because the Ogilvie Home Perm extravaganza on Tommy Lee Jones’ head tell me that Shh! It’s A Wig had a hand or two in it. If you put a clear plastic shower cap over his wig and threw a floral house dress on his body, he’d look like somebody’s grandma going to water the driveway in the morning. Or like he’s about to sing “I Dreamed A Dream” on Britain’s Got Talent. What I’m saying is that bitch looks hot.

The full trailer for Lincoln (Working Title: If You Don’t Give Us All The Oscars, You Hate America) is below and some people are crying about how Daniel Day-Lewis doesn’t sound like Lincoln-ey enough, but I’m more mad that Bill & Ted are nowhere in the trailer and that Steven Spielberg didn’t release this a million years ago, because it’d be the perfect movie to nap to when my American History teacher plays it during class.

Lincoln pretty much stars everyone from Sally Field (who is always grabbing people by the arms to give them really a intense pep talk) to Joseph Gordon-Levitt to David Strathairn to Lee Pace to Jackie Earle Haley to Jared Harris to James Spader to Hal Holbrook to Gloria Reuben to Adam from Girls. I’m calling it right now. The scene they’ll show at the Oscars for the Best Picture clip is the scene where Adam from Girls pees on Lincoln in the communal shower.

via Vulture

But Does He Slay Vampires Too?

Last year, a picture made the rounds of Daniel Day-Lewis eating a salad while showing us what it would look like if Abraham Lincoln co-founded Apple and invented the iPhone that picture was taken on. Well, here’s an official picture of DDL in full Lincoln drag in Steven Spielberg’s Lincoln, which comes out in November and also stars Sally Field as Mary Todd Lincoln. DDL looks more like Lincoln than that creepy animatronic Lincoln in Disneyland’s Hall of Presidents. You just want to scream at that picture, “DON’T SIT THERE! GO TO THE BATHROOM! GET SOME FRESH AIR! THIS PLAY SUCKS ANYWAY! GET A KARDASHIAN TO FILL YOUR SEAT!” 

And I know Lincoln is supposed to be getting into the play, but those slightly rolled eyes to me that he’s rolling his second blunt.

via Entertainment Weekly