FYI: Amy Schumer Would Love To Go Down On Lily Tomlin

The Critics’ Choice Awards, which is the Mountain Lighting to the Golden Globes’ Mountain Dew, happened last night and Amy Schumer was the Jennifer Lawrence of the show, because she brought the ~quirkiness~ in heavy doses. No, Amy didn’t fall down the stairs or fart in Bryan Cranston’s champagne glass or anything, but she did tell us once again that she’s the fattest fatty fat hog in Hollywood and would hands down win the role of Gilbert Grape’s mom if they did a remake. And she also gave us the mental image of her making out with Lily Tomlin’s clit.

The Critics’ Choice Awards gave Amy the MVP Award (whatever that is), because I guess they wanted to make sure that she showed up, unlike many other tricks (see: Jennifer Lawrence, Leonardo DiCatchAHo, Brie Larson, etc..). Amy also won Best Actress in a Comedy, beating her best friend forever JLaw and national treasure Lily Tomlin. While holding that glass unicorn butt plug trophy, Amy said that Lily Tomlin should’ve won and then she announced that she’d love to tongue fuck Lily’s lily:

Amy saying that she’d munch on Lily Tomlin’s cooch like a never-ending Awesome Blossom didn’t bother me, because who wouldn’t? But Amy skid straight into NOT RIGHT territory when bitch pulled Miss Critics’ Choice Awards to the mic and then shooed her away after finding out that she’s from Florida. Amy joked that Florida should not be a part of this country. It wasn’t not funny. Florida is this country’s leading producer of meth-infused foolery and that makes it the greatest state. It should be the capital of ‘Murica! To hate Florida is to hate fuckery. Amy Schumer can go to Hell (“Um, I’d rather go there than Florida!” – Florida hater Amy Schumer) for that one. And Hell is a place where you don’t have a mouth and you’re stuck in a giant box that’s covered with Lily Tomlin’s vagina.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

And Here’s Some “Say Yes To The Dress” Red Carpet Sophistication, Courtesy Of Marion Cotillard

Because my cable provider is a busted bitch who can’t get their act together and make a channel that airs nothing but Mad Men episodes re-cut to feature Don Draper topless in every scene, I spend a lot of time watching Say Yes to the Dress. I can basically predict the outcome of every dress based on hairstyle and nail choice of the bride. 10lbs of curled polyester hair? That bitch is getting a Pnina. Thick acrylic blow job nail tips? It’s going to have cut-outs around the waist and lace appliqué over the nipples (aka “something simple and elegant“).

Marion Cotillard, on the other hand, is working some dark short nails and slicked back no-fucks-given hair, which means that if she were on Say Yes to the Dress, she’s going to hate every dress that goddess Camille will pull for her before making a joke about wanting something that will look good with with her Converse sneakers. Then her grumpy mother-in-law Janet will shake her head and hiss “Marion, please, you only get one day to look like a princess.” And the fancy Dior dress Marion wore to the Critic’s Choice Awards last night is EXACTLY what she’d end up saying yes to if she was someone on SYTTD; it’s got a bodice she can wear a sports bra with and a skirt full enough that she can sit with her legs open.

Here’s more of Marion Cotillard at the Critic’s Choice Awards last night looking like a chick who is so fucking DONE trying on dresses at Kleinfelds, as well as Reese Witherspoon (who was serving up some last-minute bridesmaid at a David’s Bridal outlet realness), Jessica Chastain doing some kind of weird hair thing I would have thought was so classy when I was 12, and everyone else:

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Justice For The Saint: Angie Jolie Nominated For A Critics’ Choice Award

The Hollywood Foreign Press Association outed themselves as fundie Satanists last week after they failed to nominate St. Angie Jolie for Best Director for Unbroken. The critics weren’t about to make that mistake and they gave St. Angie a Best Director nomination today.

The nominations for the Critics’ Choice Awards (aka that awards show on Vh1 that nobody really watches) were announced today and nearly every trick in the Hollywood game was nominated since there’s at least 500 categories. The only major snubs (that I can see) are Steve Carrell not getting nominated for Foxcatcher and Kate Upton’s tits not getting a nomination for Best Distraction In Shit Movie for The Other Woman. Birdman got the most nominations with 13 and The Grand Budapest Hotel got 11 nominations. Unbroken got 4 including Best Picture and Best Director. They also threw Brad Pitt a nomination for Best Actor In An Action Movie for Fury.  The executives at Vh1 and every tabloid editor are spending most of their day pouring cornstarch in their chonies, because they keep getting seriously moist while thinking about St. Angie, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston being the same room together.

Jennifer Aniston was nominated for Best Actress for that movie where Rachel Green looks like cold shit and stalks a dead girl’s family. The Critics’ Choice Awards stage is going to be a giant boxing ring and they’ll sit Aniston at one end and Jolie at the other end, and the two will stare at each other as their coaches, Maddox (for St. Angie) and a My Buddy Doll (for Aniston), squirt red wine in their mouths from a straw. Jennifer’s nomination means that we’re one step closer to living in a time when the words “Oscar nominee Jennifer Aniston” becomes a fact.

After the cut are all the nominations. Go ahead and have a deep fried macaroni and cheese bacon sandwich for lunch, because you’ll burn at least 2,000 calories by scrolling down this long ass list.

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