Hef Confirms The Obvious

82-year-old Hugh Hefner has confirmed to E!’s Marc Malkin that his fairytale romance with Holly Madison has ended its run. I’m sure he also confirmed to Marc that he just went doody in his undies, but that’s another issue!

Hef said, “If she says it’s over, it’s over. But like I’ve said before, she is the love of my life, and I expected to spend the rest of my life with her.” Um….so they would have been together for six more months? I kid! Hef is going to live forever. The future of Viagra depends on it.

The Playboy pepaw popped a Werther’s Original in his mouth and said the relationship started to go downhill six months ago after they found out he isn’t able to father another child. He said, “With my sperm count, it’s not possible. I was willing but it was not possible…She’d like to be married and have children, but it’s not in the cards here for me.”

Yeah, when your sperm count is in the negative digits, you’re probably not going to be able to get the job done.

Hef said that his relationship with Kendra will be ending when she moves out of the house by the end of the year. He didn’t say anything about Bridget, because let’s be honest, she doesn’t matter. She probably moved out a while ago and he didn’t even notice! Gizmo needs to stay, though.

There are new skanks in the mansion. Hef has moved in 19-year-old orange twins Kristina and Karissa Shannon (above). He said, “They very much want to be girlfriends and now under the present circumstance, they probably will become my girlfriends.”

I know these twin whores are the color of Hef’s favorite drink, Metamucil, but this is ridiculous. They look like two week-old Halloween pumpkins who really need to be kicked into the middle of the street. If Hef has an orange fetish, he should just stick his shriveled turtle dick into a tangerine. Less hassle.

And there’s also one other chick who will be sucking on Hef’s dough dick very soon. Amy Leigh Andrews is testing this week and he said she will likely become one of his girlfriends too. “I’m dancing as fast as I can.”

When Hef dances, medics have to stand by.

It’s the end of an era! Hef’s new girlfriends are a little on the old side, though. I guess there weren’t any sexy unborn fetuses available.

Lauren Bacall Speaks The Truth

Lauren Bacall is the kind of memaw that I could have a 6 martini lunch with at Fudrucker’s. After about our third one, I’d softly stroke one of her bushy eyebrows and she’d tell me what she really thinks about Tommy Girl. I mean, she wouldn’t hold back. She’d hike up her granny panties and let it loose.

In the new issue of Elle celebrating (gross) Botox Kidman, Lauren, who worked with Botox on “Dogville,” had this to say about the couple’s split:

“Tom had taken off for Penelope Cruz or some godamn thing — one of his more ridiculous moves. Tom Cruise is a maniac. I can’t understand the way he conducts his life.”

It’s the alien way, Lauren. You don’t have to understand it. It’s best if you don’t. Have another martini. Don’t you have more to say about our little midget alien lover? Don’t stop.

“When you talk about a great actor, you’re not talking about Tom Cruise. His whole behaviour is so shocking. It’s inappropriate and vulgar and absolutely unacceptable to use your private life to sell anything commercially, but, I think, it’s kind of a sickness.”

That’s what I like to hear! I think we should all bow down to the great crazy memaw known as Lauren Bacall! She better sleep with two eyes open tonight, because Tommy isn’t going to like this. Hold a vial of truth serum close, LoBa. The aliens hate that shit!

Source

Out With The Old

For the past few weeks there have been many rumors about the “Girls Next Door” falling apart, moving out of the mansion and being replaced by younger models. There has also been a little rumor that Holly Madison is doing it with a douche magician who goes by the name of Criss Angel. Hef and Holly both denied all the rumors.

Last night, a TMZ camera man chatted with Holly outside of a restaurant and he told her he wanted to go to the Playboy Halloween party and if she could get him in. Holly yammered on about how she was going to be Elvis for Halloween and then she said, “I have no pull anymore. Hef and I aren’t together.”

SHOCK! DISMAY! TRAGIC! Seriously, this is about as surprising as the doctor telling me that my butthole only has a few more years left.

Holly also said that she’s still filming shit with Kendra and Bridget for the sixth season of “GND.”

Holly’s 28, so she is getting up there in age. “Puffin” only has a few years left, so why would he want to spend them with a wrinkly old bag like Holly? Besides, Hef is still married! Holly needs to find a sugar daddy that is actually available for marriage. Mini-Me perhaps?

Gayken Is Kind Of Likeable…..

Clay Gayken looks like a 40-something gayelle with an extensive collection of holiday sweaters and ceramic ducks, but he’s kind of likeable. Gayken gave an interview to Diane Sawyer (who talks like she’s on ludes and wine) about the whole gay thing. The singing at the beginning made my ears twitch, but I wasn’t completely annoyed with the rest of the interview. I would never EVER hit it, but I’d share a big dick with him. FUCK. I swear, I’m not turning into a Claymate! NO.

If you ever see a post on here with the title “Yes, I’m a Claymate,” immediately throw my ass into the crazy house before I completely become a mom jeans wearing maniac!

The Claymates Speak!

First of all, thanks to those of you who directed me to this Claymates forum where there’s hundreds of messages regarding their idol’s big coming out party on the cover of People Magazine. It’s nice to see that 98% of them are not bothered at all and will continue to worship at his big gay feet. The other 2% are shocked, confused and hurt, because they felt they were lied to. A couple of them are still waiting for “confirmation,” because People Magazine could be telling lies. Hey, whatever gets you through the day.

Here’s just a few quotes from Claymates who aren’t waving rainbow flags this morning:

“This is a gut wrenching day for The ClayNation. Somebody wake me up, I hope its a dream.”

“please tell me I’m not the only one who is shocked beyond belief! I feel numb I’m so upset. This can’t be real!! How can you guys say this won’t change anything? This changes EVERYTHING. I don’t even know what to think right now”

“I wish him well and hope he gets some peace of mind now BUT I feel he lied to everyone-especially us fans. He should have just said so years ago. I feel like we were “used”. I still love to hear him sing but I also feel he has now become like a Michael Jackson and it’s a bit too weird! He isn’t just the plain ordinary person with the values he first stood for.-but it’s just my opinion.”

“One really sad thing for me that sums this up. THis morning at the breakfast table my 9 and 10 year olds were there and the radio was on and they came on with the headline “FOrmer American Idol…” and I knew what was coming and I ran to turn it off. I didn’t want my young children to hear that and ask questions about it. To me this is the saddest thing and the reason I won’t be able to hold him as my idol. I remember the day when I ran to turn it on and called all the family to watch with pride. It just seems so in your face now and I don’t want exposing my kids to this. “

“I just feel rather silly now having spent the last 5 years drooling over and being fan girly for a singer I thought was straight and now finding out he is gay. It does change my perception of who he is and how I see him. We always called him our boyfriend and that won’t be happening anymore.”

You know, if I walked by a newsstand one day and saw Rojo Caliente on the cover of a magazine with the words “Yes, I’m straight” written on it, I would probably collapse to the ground. I would be devastated. I would feel bamboozled and confused. So I can completely relate to the Claymates whose world has just crumbled into a million gay pieces.

VIA Vote for the Worst

Gayken Comes Out: The Morning After

I know you’re still reeling from the fact that Clay Gayken officially loves the peen. I’m sure Kathy Griffin is sobbing in her closet, considering early retirement. Don’t do that, Kathy. Remember. You’ll always have Ryan Gaycrest.

Oh and in related news, I’m gay too. I know. Too many gay shockers for a 24-period.

This morning, People released a few experts from Clay’s totally gay interview and the born-again Christian talks about why he decided to shock the world by unveiling the best kept secret in Hollywood.

On why he decided to come clean:
“It was the first decision I made as a father. I cannot raise a child to lie or to hide things. I wasn’t raised that way, and I’m not going to raise a child to do that.”

On how he thinks his mom-jeans-wearing fans are going to handle the news:
“Whether it be having a child out of wedlock, or whether it be simply being a homosexual, it’s going to be a lot. I’ve never intended to lie to anybody at all. … But if they leave, I don’t want them to leave hating me.”

On telling his mommy four years ago:
“It was dark. I was sitting there, thinking to myself. I don’t know why I started thinking about it … I just started bawling. She made me pull over the car and it just came out. She started crying. She was obviously somewhat stunned. But she was very supportive and very comforting. She still struggles with things quite a bit, but she’s come a long way.”

On raising his son Parker Foster Aiken:
“I have no idea if he’ll be gay or straight. It’s not something I’ll have anything to do with, or that he’ll have anything to do with. It’s already probably up inside the code there … No matter what the situation you’re in, if you’re raised in a loving environment, that’s the most important thing.“

Did he just call himself a “homosexual“? I thought my frigid aunt was the only one who called the gays that. She also refers to any of my boyfriends as my “special friend.” And is Gayken’s mommy living in the basement with Solange? She was stunned to find out he’s a sausage worshiper? I mean. If your name is Clay Aiken, you might be gay.

Also, I’ve been wondering what the die-hard Claymates think of all of this. I haven’t found shit! This site, which is homebase for Claymates in Georgia, has yet to comment on it. I keep refreshing like crazy. Thankfully they have amazingly hot pictures of their idol to entertain me with. Seriously. Look at these pictures. High-art! That Clay Gayken doll is going to haunt my gay dreams.