Sylvester Stallone’s Jerky-fied Nipples Top The Weekend Box Office

Jizz is normally a major selling point when choosing which movie to see, but apparently not in this case. People would rather spend time with Bow Wow, oven roasted torsos and peen-eating piranhas than Jason Bateman’s sneaky man chowder. According to Box Office Mojo, The Switch (aka Friends: The One Where Rachel Green Romances A Turkey Baster) opened at #8 this weekend with $8.1 million. Jennifer Aniston better bury her Blackberry deep inside her stuffed Garfield collection, because Maddox’s HAHAHA text bomb campaign is going to begin any minute now.

This is the estimated top ten movies at the box office this weekend from Box Office Mojo.

1. The Expendables, $16.5 million ($5,046 per screen)
2. Vampires Suck, $12.2 million ($3,774 per screen)
3. Eat Pray Love, $12 million ($3,082 per screen)
4. Lottery Ticket, $11.1 million ($5,639 per screen)
5. The Other Guys, $10.1 million ($2,909 per screen)
6. Piranha 3D, 10 million ($4,063 per screen)
7. Nanny McPhee Returns, $8.3 million ($2,985 per screen)
8. The Switch, $8.1 million ($4,026 per screen)
9. Inception, $7.7 million ($3,188 per screen)
10. Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, $5 million ($1,785 per screen)

As much as I would love to ask for one ticket to the movie that has the most sperm in it, my ass is going to go see the movie about the hongray piranha that chomps on dick for fun. No, not Salt! The other one!

Show Me Your Papers!

Robert Rodriguez has released a special Cinco de Mayo message to Arizona in the form of the new trailer for his movie Machete which is about bitches fucking with the wrong Mexican.

The Mexploitation film stars Danny Trejo, Robert De Niro, Michelle Rodriguez, Lindsay Lohan (in a fucking nun’s outfit), Cheech Marin, Jeff Fahey, Don Johnson, Steven Seagal and MiserAlba.

When the trailer gets to the part where MiserAlba tries to bring out her inner Norma Rae, do a shot of whatever is nearest to you (e.g. liquid glue, stamp fluid, Jenkem), because you’ll need it.

Source: Ain’t It Cool News via CS

But Where Was Mo’Nique?

Mimi and her Hello Titty balls came out to support Precious at the New York Film Festival this past weekend, but one of the movie’s stars Mo’Nique was nowhere to be found. Yes, they even checked the Arby’s down the street. Bitch wasn’t there.

Precious is currently making the film festival rounds, and many critics think the movie will get several Oscar nominations including Best Picture, Best Actress for Gabby Sidibe (the girl in the purple below) and Best Supporting Actress for Mo’Nique. You’d think that since there’s talk of Mo’Nique possibly getting the golden Oscar dildo (you know that’s what Kevin Spacey uses his for) for this, she’d be out there whorin’ it up. But Mo’Nique has been missing from nearly every promotional event for Precious. Some say that by Mo’Nique not playing the game, she’s ruining her Oscar chances.

The New York Daily News says that Mo’Nique is refusing to pimp out the movie and her own performance for free. Mo’Nique is reportedly demanding a $100,000 appearance fee, even though the likes of Mimi and Lenny Kravitz (who are both in that shit) haven’t asked for a dime. A source said, “Mo’Nique said she signed on to do this film for a small amount of money. She said she didn’t care about ‘no Oscar’ – all that mattered was ‘those Benjamins!’ Because Oprah and Tyler Perry are backing the film, she feels as though there should be a budget to pay for her promotional duties.”

Mo’Nique responded to the claims by saying, “When people say, ‘You care more about money than winning an Oscar,’ well, what does an Oscar mean? An Oscar means more work when you win it, and that means more money! I couldn’t eat that Oscar. Everybody needs money, baby. That’s how we survive, right?”

Mo’Nique is selling her eating skills short! I’m sure she could eat that thing if she wrapped it in puff pastry and poured nacho cheese sauce on top! But seriously, I can’t hate on a bitch who says “it’s all about those Benjamins.” Those are the truest words ever spoken. GIT THAT MONEY!

That being said, somebody should really tell Mo’Nique about a little service called Cash4Gold! Imagine what they’d give her for an Oscar (SPOILER ALERT: Probably two rolls of quarters and a $20 gift certificate to Fingerhut)?!

Jennifer’s Bomb

Er. Well, it looks like Megan Fox’s mouth of destruction launched a torpedo of words which exploded directly into her own movie. Box Office Mojo reports that Jennifer’s Body opened in the #5 spot at the box office this weekend with just $6.8 million. Even Jennifer Aniston’s Entenmann’s queef extravaganza Love Happens did better.

For some reason, I thought JB (also titled Megan’s Mouth) would’ve sold a shit load of tickets due to all the pube-challenged fanboys wanting to bust one into their popcorn while watching Megan kiss on Amanda Seyfried and chew on boys. I was wrong.

Here’s what the rest of the weekend box office looked like. I know Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs is a kids movie, but it sounds like hardcore gay porn featuring plenty of scat scenes. Yes, you can always find me in the gutter.

1. Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs – $30.1 million
2. The Informant! – $10.5 million
3. Tyler Perry’s I Can Do Bad All by Myself – $10.0 million
4. Love Happens – $8.4 million
5. Jennifer’s Body – $6.8 million
6. 9 – $5,5 million
7. Inglourious Basterds – $3.6 million
8. All About Steve – $3.4 million
9. Sorority Row – $2.5 million
10. The Final Destination – $2.4 million

Image VIA Fangoria

Tyler Durden To Take On Sherlock Holmes?

Guy Ritchie’s Sherlock Homeboy: The Hunt for Jude Law’s Next Baby Mama has wrapped up principal photography and is due out this Christmas, but The Mirror claims shit is about to change in a major way. According to sources, Warner Bros. wasn’t exactly blowing jizz bombs over the final cut and has demanded that Guy fix it pronto. They want Guy to re-shoot some scenes and add Sherlock’s arch rival, the evil Professor Moriarty, to the movie.

After being scolded by mommy and daddy, Guy immediately asked his old Snatch friend Brad Pitt to step in as Moriarty. Luckily for Guy, Brad has an open spot in his schedule and is available for the re-shoots. Brad has already arrived in London and will soon begin shooting.

A source said, “It was an oversight in the film not to make a bigger deal about Moriarty. He is mentioned as Holmes’ arch enemy, but the bosses wanted Guy to make more of him. Jude Law and Robert Downey Jr have already shot their scenes. But now that 10 extra days have been added to shoot the new ones, they may be called back for a day or two.”

Because of all the changes, the movie won’t open this Christmas and has been pushed into 2010.

Why bother with Benjamin Button’s?! I recently read that Guy wanted to explore Sherlock and Watson’s homoerotic relationship in this movie, so he could’ve just added a good old-fashioned ass-to-mouth scene at the end to sell more tickets. Nothing puts hos in seats like gay porn. Besides, I always felt that Watson’s face should be covered in man gravy when Sherlock delivers his signature line: “Elementary, my dear Watson.” Just pretend that made sense.

UPDATE: Well, fuck. A spokeswhore for Warner Bros. says this lies. They issued this statement to UsWeekly: “The report in today’s London Mirror is completely inaccurate. Brad Pitt is not joining the cast of Sherlock Holmes and we’re extremely pleased with the production of the film. As planned, it will be released on Christmas Day, 2009. In order to complete the movie, we’ve scheduled a few days on set to shoot a couple of additional scenes, obtain pick-up shots, and perfect some of the visual effects elements, all of which is standard filmmaking practice.”

Down The Rabbit Hole

Down the Rabbit Hole could also be a working title (later changed to Down the Gerbil Hole) for Richard Gere’s biography. But this isn’t about Richard Gere, this is about Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland. Here is the teaser trailer and it looks like it should’ve been called Johnny Depp in Carrot Top Land (with a stop off in Elijiah Wood-ville). I mean, it looks like the Mad Hatter is the true star of this CGI bukkake party. Alice who?

And even though Johnny has HoHan’s puss whiskers over his eyes, I’d still hit it. Honestly, how does have that kind of power over genitals?!