Category: Chet Haze
Open Post: Hosted By Chet Haze Bringing Out His Jamaican Patois To Celebrate Joe Biden’s Win
Chet “Cool Runnings” Hanks is back with more of his highly-natural, authentic, and non-offensive Jamaican accent. Chet made headlines after he busted out the Drake-imitation at the 2020 Golden Globes and since then it’s come back a handful of times when he felt like grabbing for attention. Like when he tried hollering at Adele over her questionable outfit and Bantu knots. Well, Chet is back again to make us say: “Jamaican me crazy!” this time by trolling Donald Trump over losing the Presidential election.
Open Post: Hosted By Chet Haze Telling Adele To Give Him A Call
On Sunday, Adele caused mass Chrissy Tiegen awards-show-face after attempting to honour the corona-cancelled Notting Hill Carnival Festival by wearing Bantu knots and a Jamaican flag bikini. Then she doubled down on the questionable decision-making and posted a picture of that shit to Instagram. Where people could see it. Reactions ranged from cries of cultural appropriation to support to mockery. Said mockery included comparison to Tom Hanks’ wannabe Jamaican son, Chet “Haze” Hanks.
Open Post: Hosted By Rita Wilson Singing The National Anthem For A Virtual NASCAR Event
Every day that doesn’t start with COVID-19 survivor Rita Wilson, hands primly folded, singing the National Anthem in the style of Joni Mitchell from her backyard to a low-rent video game stadium filled with poorly rendered CGI NASCAR fans, is a day wasted. And later today, a video for Rita’s official remix of Hip Hop Hooray with Naughty By Nature will premiere. The Surreal Life has officially become The Real Word, and I have come undone.
Tom Hanks And Rita Wilson Are Feeling Better… Although, She’s Rapping Now
Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson are doing better after revealing they had coronavirus two weeks ago. Since telling us that they both have corona, they’ve been giving us updates on their condition, and so have their sons. Well, Tom wants us to know that they’re doing great and we should stay inside. And while Tom says that they’re feeling better, it seems like Rita still has a fever, which is the only explanation for her rapping.
Tom Hanks’ Sons Speak Out About Him Getting Coronavirus, And Australia Says They Didn’t Catch It There
By now if you have two working ears, or eyes, or even a sense of smell you’ve probably found out that Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson have contracted coronavirus and are in isolation in Australia, where he was filming Baz Luhrmann’s Elvis biopic. Tom made the announcement on social media and the rest of the family has now followed suit. Rita posted some stuff herself, as did Colin Hanks, and Chet Hanks. And you know what? Chet’s surprisingly did not come with a patois accent.
Chet Hanks Has Had A Revelation
At the advanced age of 29, Chester M. Hanks, perhaps better known as reggaeton superstar Chet Haze, has just had a revelation. It has been 2 whole years since Chet’s last revelation which found him apologizing for using the n-word and blaming it on drugs and “trolling” for attention. He now understands that was “the ultimate cornball thing” to do. Chet’s most recent revelation is that racism exists. He learned this the hard way, when his repeated insistence on speaking in some sort of Caribbean patois was met with requests that he not. Over the past few days, Chet has been going through “an intense period of self reflection”, and has been sharing his thoughts in a series of Instagram posts titled Chet Chat: Vol I-VII. Folks, let me tell you, it’s been a journey. But he’s come out the other end with no shirt on, a blue tongue and an understanding as to how he went from being “like the guy who like got invited to the cookout” to being “the poster child for white privilege,” when all along he was just trying to live his most authentic self.