Chet Hanks Has Had A Revelation

February 7, 2020 / Posted by:

At the advanced age of 29, Chester M. Hanks, perhaps better known as reggaeton superstar Chet Haze, has just had a revelation. It has been 2 whole years since Chet’s last revelation which found him apologizing for using the n-word and blaming it on drugs and “trolling” for attention. He now understands that was “the ultimate cornball thing” to do. Chet’s most recent revelation is that racism exists. He learned this the hard way, when his repeated insistence on speaking in some sort of Caribbean patois was met with requests that he not. Over the past few days, Chet has been going through “an intense period of self reflection”, and has been sharing his thoughts in a series of Instagram posts titled Chet Chat: Vol I-VII. Folks, let me tell you, it’s been a journey. But he’s come out the other end with no shirt on, a blue tongue and an understanding as to how he went from being “like the guy who like got invited to the cookout” to being “the poster child for white privilege,” when all along he was just trying to live his most authentic self.

Like I said, Chet is a changed man. But as we all know too well, meaningful change doesn’t happen overnight. It takes at least 3-4 days of deep penetrative thought. As recently as Tuesday of this week, Chet was still confused as evidenced by his remarks in Chet Chat Vol. VI (Part 2): Cultural Appropriation. Complex reports:

In a clip shared late Tuesday titled “Chet Chat Vol. VI (Part 2): Cultural Appropriation,” Chet touched on a variety of arguments related to the larger issue of appropriation, including one that he says is “confusing” to him: the assertion that white people have no culture to call their own.

“That to me is confusing because just look at all the different varieties of European cultures . . . Second of all, let’s assume that’s true, let’s assume white people have no culture, but if they did have a culture, what would that be like?” he asked.

“I imagine it to be something like, one example, snowboarding—like the culture surrounding snowboarding—or motocross where it’s just, like, mostly white people,” he said. “Not saying that it has to be that way or it should be that way, but that’s just, for the most part, what it is.”

“If you don’t have a problem with a black person wearing cowboy hats and cowboys boots and loving country music, then why do you have a problem with white people wearing braids and gold teeth and getting into hip-hop music?” he said. “It’s this whole idea of theft.” Chet then wondered why such “theft” is discussed at all.

*Rolls eyes in Lesley Riddle* You can watch that clip here. Or you could shoot yourself in the head. Up to you, same effect.

Then, as if to prove his point, he posted this video of himself at A cookout, if not The Cookout.

Is doing a Jamaican accent at a poolside BBQ in the middle of the afternoon on a Tuesday white privilege? Let’s not ask him that, it will only confuse him further. That’s a topic for an upper division class, and Chet’s still struggling with Racism 101. Here’s Chet Chat Vol. VII: Mental Stability, Freedom, and White Privilege in which Chet finally reaches nirvana (I guess nirvana counts as either white culture or Indian culture depending on how you capitalize it).

I understand that 10 minutes is 9 minutes and 59 seconds too long to listen to Chet Haze explain that we live in a society. Just know that he now understands that not everybody has the same freedom to be “the most honest, real version of themselves” as he does. So I guess I’ll just meet you back here in 2 years when Chet finally hears about The Patriarchy.

Pic: Instagram

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