Brian Willams Is Taking A Time Out For A Few Days

Brian Williams was forced to apologize after he got called out for lying about being in a helicopter that was hit by RPG fire in Iraq in 2003 and he got his wig snatched again when he was accused of lying about seeing a dead body float in the French Quarter during Hurricane Katrina. But I’m guessing the lying straw that broke the peacock’s back was Page Six accusing Brian of allegedly stretching the truth when he claimed that he saved two puppies from a burning house as a teenage volunteer firefighter. Who the hell lies about saving puppies from a fire?! Too far, Lyin’ Williams, too far. How dare he get adorable puppy friends tangled up in his web of lies!!!

So because the media keeps chewing his ass out (like father, like daughter) and keeps trying to dig up more he lies he may have told, he announced in a memo to NBC News staff today that he’s taking a leave of absence for a few days. NBC is supposedly using a magnifying glass to examine all of Brian Williams’ past claims to see if he told any more lies. They still have no plans to fire him. Brian delivered this statement:

In the midst of a career spent covering and consuming news, it has become painfully apparent to me that I am presently too much a part of the news, due to my actions.

As Managing Editor of NBC Nightly News, I have decided to take myself off of my daily broadcast for the next several days, and Lester Holt has kindly agreed to sit in for me to allow us to adequately deal with this issue. Upon my return, I will continue my career-long effort to be worthy of the trust of those who place their trust in us.

I know, if everybody got a vacation every time they told a lie at work, everyone would constantly be sunning their ass cheeks in the Caribbean. If NBC News really wants to make us all forget about this Brian Williams mess, they wouldn’t temporarily replace him with Lester Holt. They’d replace him with Donna Summer who’d sing the news to a disco beat as a topless and oiled-up Anderson Cooper go-go danced on the news desk. Now that’s how you shush a scandal. If only CNN would lend their Silver Fox out to the peacock.

Tom Brokaw Wants That Lying Lie-Teller Liar Brian Williams Fired

If that picture was taken yesterday, Tom Brokaw would be thinking to himself, “Grrrrr… I just want to stick a rolled-up pink slip up that lying sack of lie’s ass, pull it out, stick it in his smuggy lie hole and make it so that he can’t even get a job reviewing butt plugs at 3am on Public Access in Stockton, CA.”

On Wednesday night, the world we live in became a confusing and unfamiliar place and most of us wandered the land not knowing what to believe when Brian Williams admitted that he was never in a chopper that was hit by RPG fire in Iraq in 2003. Brian was actually safely traveling in a different chopper. How can we believe anything now that Brian Williams has dribbled out lies to us? When Brian Williams says, “Good evening, I’m Brian Williams and this is the Nighty News,” do we know for sure it’s the evening and that it’s a good evening and that his name really is Brian Williams? Is that picture of Brian Williams’ supposed bulge a picture of his actual bulge or did he just stuff his khakis with the sack he keeps his lies in? Everything is squint-worthy now!!!

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Brian Williams Saw His Daughter’s Salad Tossing Scene In Girls

During the season premiere of Sex and the City’s hipster snowflake cousin Girls last night, a dude’s mouth traveled to Peter Pan’s No No Land and we got to watch it. How lucky for all of us. It’s just salad tossing, so I wasn’t shocked or scandalized, but I was shocked that it wasn’t Lena Dunham getting her ass eaten while eating a burrito bowl over the sink.

At the premiere party for Girls, Allison Williams talked to Vulture about the scene where her character and Desi get into some butt fun in the kitchen. Allison says that they used Spanx, two thongs and period pads to protect her butt parts from Desi’s mouth and nose. Allison’s dad Brian Williams was also at the premiere party and he watched the scene with his daughter. “Aw, that reminds me of the first time Kimmy and I watched the dailies of her first sex tape together” said Pimp Mama Kris. Brian told Vulture that the scene didn’t make him cringe on the inside at all, because he knows that fake butt munching is all part of show business and watching Allison in Girls is his family’s job.

“She’s always been an actress. For us, watching her is the family occupation and everybody has to remember it’s acting, no animals were harmed during the filming, and ideally nobody gets hurt.”

Brian wasn’t bothered, but Allison’s cast mate Jemima Kirke was. Jemima told UsWeekly that she almost barfed up her insides from watching Brian Williams watch his daughter get motorboated in the ass:

“I sat behind Allison and her dad and I was going to puke. I was so nervous. I don’t even know him, but can you imagine? Watching a kissing scene with my dad next to me is awful, let alone with you getting — whatever that’s called — motorboated in your ass!”

If you watched that scene last night and wondered if Brian Williams watched it, you now have your answer. Fatherly pride filled Brian Williams’ heart as he watched his daughter get her butt filled with a dude’s face.

Gawker has the clip if you haven’t seen it and want to. There’s a GIF of it after the cut. Allison Williams’ nalgas should get a special Emmy for shaking like that and the dude who plays Desi should also get a special Emmy for wiping his mouth afterward. That was an artistic touch!

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Prince William Looks A Mess As A Brunette

This morning, NBC released the first picture of Marnie from Girls and Brian Williams’ daughter, Allison Williams, in full Peter Pan drag for their Peter Pan Live! musical ship wreck extravaganza. At first my eyes saw Justin Bieber, but Allison Williams’ guns are way too loaded to belong to the Biebs and she’s making a “just had a root canal” face instead of his signature “having ass sex while constipated as hell” face.

When NBC first announced that Allison Williams won the role of Peter Pan by calling them up and saying, “I am the daughter of NBC’s sweetheart and I want to play Peter Pan,” I prayed to the busted wig gods that her wig would be as busted as the wig Zoe Saldana wore in NBC’s butchering of Rosemary’s Baby. They didn’t totally disappoint and I’m pretty sure they recycled Zoe’s shitty, polyester mop for this. But in Allison’s defense, she did offer to take a Flowbee to her luscious Breck Girl locks for the role. You know, because Allison is a serious Thespian who is 100% loyal to her craft and would definitely miss out on a possible future multi-million dollar haircare endorsement by taking a machete to her hair for some messy NBC musical. Allison said this about the wig situation on Today:

“I sort of very tentatively offered to cut my hair, I was like, ‘You know, if it’s a thing that would help I could cut my hair,’ and they were like, ‘You’re welcome to do that, we’re still gonna put you in a wig.'”

Uh huh.

Judging by those hot Spandex biker shorts and that fishnet-sleeved top (which was previously worn by an extra in Pat Benatar’s video for “Love Is A Battlefield”), I’m guessing that this Peter Pan is set in the 80s (I WISH). Or the second store on the right in Neverland is a Hot Topic.  Either way, I can’t wait for this beautiful mess.

via @TODAYShow

Marnie Michaels From Girls Is Getting Married

Well it looks like the story of Katy Perry’s not-an-engagement ring has a happy ending after all; he can go ahead and cancel his welfare cheques because Katy’s friend Allison Williams has graciously given him a job! According to People, Girls actress and Brian Williams’s daughter, Allison Williams, is the most recent recipient of that stack of dog-eared bridal magazines her cousin refuses to recycle (we all have that cousin) after she was presented with an engagement ring by her boyfriend of three years, College Humor co-founder Ricky Van Veens. There’s no word on wedding plans yet, except that precautions are already being taken to prevent Ricky’s good friend John Mayer from trying to fuck everything with a face at the reception.

Allison has previously said that she’s one of those types who would trade Emmy gowns for Bubble Guppies marathons, so let’s all cross our fingers that she’s not as insufferably uptight as her character on Girls and Ricky’s Van Peen is able to knock her up asap, forcing Lena Dunham to replace her with the best Girls character ever created: BLERTA!

(Pic: Splash)

Brian Williams Is Back And This Time He’s Robo-Rapping “Rapper’s Delight”

Everyone in my contacts list should prepare to receive an email from me sometime this afternoon with the subject line “FWD:FWD:FWD: This be my jam, foolios LOL!” because I am your mom and this video of Brian Williams sing-talking the lyrics to Rapper’s Delight is my world right now. I’ve already bookmarked the link in my folder marked ‘funny video YouTubes’ and uploaded an electronic music file to my iPod shuffle player so I can listen to it in the car on the way to Zumba. At least I think that’s what I did; I might have to get my nephew Kaiden to help me the next time he comes over to cut the grass.

Jimmy Fallon has been really swinging for the fences this week on The Tonight Show; not everything he’s done has been been a home run (what baseball analogy can I use to describe a useless jizz-crusted porno-troll?). But last night he hit it out of the park (last one, I promise) with another video of NBC news anchor Brian Williams rap-style speaking. I loved Brian Williams robo-rapping Regulate, and I loved Brian Williams robo-rapping Straight Outta Compton, so I knew I’d surely love Brian Williams robo-rapping Rapper’s Delight. But what I wasn’t prepared for was the appearance of special guests Lester Holt (who’s on-again/off-again glasses got me all confused like a dumb baby) and perpetually-drunk angel KATHIE LEE GIFFORD.

Dear Jimmy Fallon: I don’t care if you save it for sweeps week or whatever, but I think it’s pretty obvious that the world needs a Kathie Lee and Hoda version of Still D.R.E.