Category: Brian Williams

Lester Holt Is Coming For Brian Williams’ $10 Million Salary

June 11, 2015 / Posted by:

And now in “Get money” news, which is truly my favorite kind of news, sexy news anchor Lester Holt (don’t judge me) might be inheriting more than just Brian Williams’ custom-made Comfort-A-Bulge™ seat at the NBC Nightly News desk. Page Six says that if/when Lester Holt takes over for Brian Williams, he’s going to try to convince NBC to also give him BriWi’s $10 million a year salary. $10 million!!!

According to a source, NBC doesn’t really have a back-up plan if Lester Holt chooses not to take over for Brian Williams after his six-month suspension is up. Lester apparently knows this too, so he and his agents are trying to squeeze as much cash out of NBC as possible. Lester is currently making about $4 million to read the news, and he’s arguing that if NBC pays him half of what they paid Brian Williams, it sends a message to the newsroom that he’s half the anchor Brian was.

That same source says that NBC is considering giving Lester what Brian made before he signed that $10 million a year deal instead. But since Lester has NBC “by the balls” (I think that source might be my Uncle Lou), there’s a good chance they’ll give in and Lester will be richer, bitch.

Page Six recently said that NBC might keep Brian Williams around after they let him go from the Nightly News, which means there’s a chance NBC will still be cutting him a giant check every month on top of the one they’re cutting Lester. Damn, that’s a lot of money. I expect to see the NBC peacock going by the name “Cockee” and offering something called a “outcalls-only feather job” in an ad in the back pages of a free weekly newspaper.

Brian Williams Probably Won’t Be Returning To NBC Nightly News

June 9, 2015 / Posted by:

If what Page Six is saying turns out to be true, then NBC building security should expect to see this face asking them “Hey, can I just pop in real quick to collect my stuff?” sometime in the near future.

According to Page Six, “sources” claim there’s a very good chance Brian Williams is not coming back after his six-month suspension is up in August. Apparently important types at NBC will be deciding sometime this week whether they’ll allow him to return to the NBC Nightly News desk once he has finished his time-out for lying about his time in Iraq, and it doesn’t look good for BriWi.

“The talks are complicated and are ongoing, and there has not yet been a deal. But it is likely he won’t be back in the ‘Nightly’ anchor chair. A decision could be made as early as this week, if all sides can reach an agreement.”

Page Six is also saying that once Brian Williams is officially given walking papers, his suspension substitute Lester Holt will take over and be the new permanent host of the NBC Nightly News. But don’t cry for BriWi just yet; those same sources say that NBC wants to keep him around, just not at the Nightly News desk. So basically he’s fired, but not fired-fired, because they don’t want a messy lawsuit.

If NBC really wants to keep Brian Williams around, they should stick him in the fourth hour of the TODAY show with Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb. It’s pretty much a perfect solution for both parties. Perfect for NBC, because there’s no harsher punishment than having Kathie Lee screech into your ear for an entire hour. And perfect for Brian Williams, because once his mouth starts telling lies again, he can just blame it on the wine.


Brian Williams Blamed A Maybe Tumor On His Lie-Telling Ways

April 7, 2015 / Posted by:

When Hector Elizondo in a beanie is judging you from a picture, it’s time to unbutton your suit coat and have a seat.

Vanity Fair published an investigative expose into how Brian Williams went from the golden child of NBC News to the embarrassing skid mark they’re trying to scrub out with Oxy and soda water. Brian was suspended for 6 months without pay after he got called out several times for telling several lies. The lie that started it all was the one where he claimed that during the war in Iraq in 2003, the helicopter he was riding in was hit with fire. Brian told that story a million times and was later called out by a solider who was on the actual helicopter that was hit and doesn’t remember Brian riding with him. It turns out Brian was in a different helicopter. Brian later said that he “made a mistake in recalling the events from 12 years ago.” He also reportedly committed the sin of all unforgivable sins by lying about saving puppies from a burning fire. Why bring innocent puppies into your web of lies, Brian?!

One NBC executive told Vanity Fair that they never saw Brian as a liar-mouthed liar. They just knew him as a melodramatic showman who exaggerated the truth. You know, I guess it’s kind of like when my dad told me that he was an American spy during the Vietnam War, but what he really meant is that he passed the first level in Spy Hunter at an arcade. Sort of like that. Whenever Brian would tell some grandiose tale, they’d all just say to themselves, “Oh he’s just being Brian!” But one dude not charmed by Brian was his arch rival Tom Brokaw. Tom complained to the execs at NBC News about how Brian would stretch the truth, but they weren’t hearing him. Brian was their golden child and they didn’t want to change that.

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Allison Williams Defended Her Dad, Because Duh, What Else Is She Supposed To Do?

February 19, 2015 / Posted by:

Seth Meyers interviewed living and breathing American Girl Samantha doll Allison Williams at the 92Y last night and the first thing he asked her about was her dad Brian Williams, because besides getting her ass eaten on HBO, that’s the only thing people want to her hear talk about. Seth asked Allison how her family and her dad are doing after he got suspended for six months without pay for lie-telling on camera.  I don’t know what Seth expected her to say. It’s not like she’s going to say, “He’s a liar and he has ruined my life.” If Seth wanted that kind of answer, he should’ve interviewed me about my dad. Of course, Allison defended her dad and said that we can all trust him.

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Charlie Sheen Thinks Brian Williams Is A Hero And The Victim Of A Vile Witch Hunt

February 12, 2015 / Posted by:

Pinocchio’s long-lost bulgy-pantsed brother Brian Williams is currently public enemy no. 1 with most people he knows after he admitted to “misremembering” a bunch of stuff he said he did. Tom Brokaw is over his lying ass, NBC News told him to clear out his desk for the next 6 months, Lester Holt and the NBC News team took a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser to his identity. Even the NBC Peacock is like “yeah, I don’t know that guy…“. But there is one person out there who is standing behind Brian Williams in solidarity, and that person is Captain Crazy of the S.S. Meth Mouth, Charlie Sheen.

Charlie Sheen just couldn’t bear to remain silent on the unfair treatment Brian Williams was receiving, so he took a break from thinking about running for President in 2016 to write a letter to his favorite former news anchor explaining that he knows the TRUTH: that this is nothing but a “vile witch hunt” against American Hero Brian Williams. Charlie gave said letter to TMZ (aka he was found in the TMZ parking lot screaming “HEY, SOMEBODY WRITE THIS DOWN” into a broken bullhorn) and it’s long and it’s crazy, so it’s after the cut.

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NBC News Has Suspended Brian Williams For 6 Months Without Pay

February 10, 2015 / Posted by:

If this news saddens you, please dry your tears on Brian Williams’ bulge. But who knows if that’s really an all-natural organic bulge. It could be a pile of shameless lies!!!!!!

Over the weekend, Brian Williams said that he’s taking some time away from NBC News, because he has become the story after he got caught lying about getting hit with RPG fire in Iraq in 2003. Since then the media has dug up more possible lies (including that puppy story, which I’ll never forgive him for) and NBC News has started investigating shit he’s claimed. Brian Williams was only supposed to be away a few days, but today NBC News announced that they’re putting him on a six month suspension without pay while they investigate. He reportedly earns $10 million a year, so he’s out $5 million. Here’s a piece of the memo from NBC News president Deborah Turness (you can read the full memo here if you want to):

We have decided today to suspend Brian Williams as Managing Editor and Anchor of NBC Nightly News for six months. The suspension will be without pay and is effective immediately. We let Brian know of our decision earlier today. Lester Holt will continue to substitute Anchor the NBC Nightly News.

Our review, which is being led by Richard Esposito working closely with NBCUniversal General Counsel Kim Harris, is ongoing, but I think it is important to take you through our thought process in coming to this decision.

While on Nightly News on Friday, January 30, 2015, Brian misrepresented events which occurred while he was covering the Iraq War in 2003. It then became clear that on other occasions Brian had done the same while telling that story in other venues. This was wrong and completely inappropriate for someone in Brian’s position.

In addition, we have concerns about comments that occurred outside NBC News while Brian was talking about his experiences in the field.

As Managing Editor and Anchor of Nightly News, Brian has a responsibility to be truthful and to uphold the high standards of the news division at all times.

But what will happen to Allison Williams’ career? Does this mean that Marnie will die in a freak ass eating accident on Girls as reparations?

I wouldn’t be surprised if that 6 months turns into forever and NBC is going to use the time to try out possible replacements. Or maybe they’re stalling for Brian’s real replacement who isn’t available until later this year. I wonder who that could be? But whatever, Brian Williams doesn’t need that shit anyway. He can focus on his hot rap career now! Oh wait…


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