QOTD: Adrian Grenier’s Got A Big Peen And An Ever Bigger Peen Bush

Courtney Robertson, the star fucker and resident crazy bitch on Ben Flajnik’s season of The Bachelor, has a book about her life out called “I Didn’t Come Here To Make Friends: Confessions of a Reality Show Villain!” and she must know that nobody cares about her stupid life and the only way to sell her book is to write about all the Z-listers and C-listers she’s gotten naked with. E! News says that some of her book is filled with crap nobody has ever wanted to know (example: she finger banged herself while watching Dawson’s Creek), but it’s also filled with stuff that’s relevant to some of our interests. Courtney writes about the peens of famous dudes.

Before we get into Adrian’s huge dick and 70s pube afro, Courtney says that she also got naked with Jesse Metcalfe, and she didn’t tell us if his peen is as impressive as his huge tits, but she did tell us that he was a drunk and drug addict at the time and the sex was just average. Courtney also got with Laura Jeanne Poon’s husband before he was Laura Jeanne Poon’s husband (yes, Courtney’s cooch really reaches for the stars) and then she got into Adrian Grenier. Courtney says that never did sex with Adrian Grenier, but she did see his Snuffleupagus dick and it’s the biggest thing her eyes have ever seen.

According to the book, they met at an A-List mansion party; she writes that they bonded over a “mutual loneliness in LA,” yet she didn’t feel a spark. She did, however, feel a fondness for hooking up with him and claimed/bragged/overshared, “He had the biggest penis I’d ever seen—and the biggest bush!”

The TV personality claims they never had “actual sex” in the six years the Entourage star (Vincent Chase)d her and he is still in hot pursuit, booty-call texting her to this day. According to the book, the last time her wrote her, he asked, “Are you still on that show?”

If your nostrils are twitching, you might be thinking about that not-so-blind item that claimed that Adrian Grenier’s got a huge, hairy, smelly one.

This Courtney mess needs to be more specific. I mean, if Pamela Anderson told me that Adrian Grenier has a big dick, I’d know his dick was so big that he has to wrap it around his right thigh or it’ll drag on the floor. Because Pamela knows her big dicks. But how do I know that all the dudes Courtney’s been with have small ones and a 6 incher is a Goliath to her? This is nothing but a “Hi-Res pics of GTFO” situation. And it’s obvious that Adrian’s shag rug matches his shag drapes. If you go down on Adrian, you know you’re going to spend the next hour coughing up a foamy hairball on the rug as your cat looks at you like, “Now you know how it feels, whore.”

Pic: Bauer Griffin 

PEEN: Brought To You By Kenny Brain From Big Brother Canada

It’s a Good Friday GIFT!

In case you haven’t already printed these out and papered your bedroom ceiling with them like I’m doing, here’s Kenny Brain, former HSOTD and the bearded gay ginger model from Big Brother Canada, with his fire pubes and dick out. The pics are Grindr-style (aka headless) but the tattoos match and I want to believe that Kenny Brain’s got a dick that’ll make you call in sick to work and not care that you get fired. A dick that’ll make you hand over your debit card and password.

I am trying to ignore that crotch tattoo that looks like something you’d find on the pendant worn by a trust fund PR girl who thinks she’s spiritual and shit. And at this point you’re probably screaming at me to shut my goddamn fingers already and get to the dick, so if you’re in a place where big, beautiful dicks are frowned upon and are considered NSFW, then put this on before clicking HERE and HERE. I hope dudes flopping their soft dicks on the sink like it’s a sea cucumber becomes a new thing. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have more Kenny Brain dick pics to paste to my ceiling.

UPDATE: Thanks to everyone who told me Kenny Brain’s crotch tattoo means “big” in Chinese. No comment.

via Reddit via ONTD

The Human Ken Doll Would Like You To Know That He Doesn’t Have A Ken Doll No-Crotch

I know your eyes are swirling around like nuts in a food processor after gazing at The Human Ken Doll’s stuffed red pepper Speedo bulge, but try to focus for a second, because The Human Ken Doll would like you to know what’s going on down there. Stop what you’re doing (squinting to see if you can make out the outline of his Barbie Dream Peen) because this is important.

The angel of my fever dreams, Human Ken Doll (real name: Justin Jedlica) gave an interview to The Daily Beast where he assured everyone questioning the moral implications of fapping to a man who looks like a real-life Rio Pacheco that it’s okay, because even though his body is 90% factory-made plastic, he’s human where it counts:

“I would say more of my inspiration stems from ‘manga’ or anime. I find that much more appealing in all honestly than a Ken doll. It’s sort of that over-stylized, cartoonish version of human form [that I like]. I have all these haters on my page being like, ‘Does that mean you want to cut off your penis?’ And I’m like actually, I wish it was dragging on the ground like anime.”

Oooh, be careful what you wish for, Justin! As someone who’s read every book in the Goosebumps series and seen every episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark, I know that 99.9% of wishes come with dark-sided consequence. It may seem like a good idea to wish for a dick that you have to drag around in a bundle buggy, but it could end up being a curse (“Not possible” – all the true blue sluts).

And unless that’s nothing more than an obese starfish taking a nap in the crotch of his swimsuit, I’d say his dick is doing alright by him.

Pic: Instagram

Talking About Michael Fassbender’s Big Peen Is Sexist, So Says Michael Fassbender

Michael Fassbender’s long dong swaying dick was the breakout star of Shame, it stole every scene it was in and many of us signed a petition to get the Academy to properly honor it with an honorary Oscar for best performance by a big dick in a movie (no disrespect to cinema’s other huge prick Ashton Kutcher). But just like fellow Salchicha Gordo Club member Jon Hamm, Michael Fassbender is tired of bitches talking about his big dick, and he’d really like us whores to stop focusing on his big dick, and he wants to be seen as something more than a dude with a big dick, and he wants the tweets about his big dick to stop (he’s talking to you, Damon Lindelof)!

As Sharon Stone’s vagina threw Michael Fassbender an “Is that so?” look, he told Elle UK (via The Cut) that it would be considered sexual harassment if everybody talked about an actresses’ chocha the way everyone talks about his big dick.

It wouldn’t be acceptable, it would be seen as sexual harassment, people saying [to an actress], “Your vagina …” You know?

You know, I didn’t totally get what Michael Fassbender said, because my brain was too busy thinking about his big dick swinging to and fro. Can Michael Fassbender say that again? Better yet, can Michael Fassbender get his big dick to say the words. I’ll totally pay attention then. I promise.

Paula Patton Wants You To Know That Her Husband Has A Big Dick

In his song with Kendrick Lamar “Give It 2 U,” Robin Thicke brags that he’s got a thick dick for you and in his video for “Blurred Lines,” a blonde model dances in front of a silver balloon sign that reads, “Robin Thicke Has A Big Dick.” That slut is subtle. Basically, Robin Thicke wants you to think that when he goes to a glory hole, he brings a hand saw with him to make the hole big enough to fit his triple X crotch salchicha and his peen is so large that it can shaftslam the Hammaconda without straining one vein. So because Robin Thicke is always bragging about how he has to sew together three Magnums to make a rubber that’s big enough for his obese dick, Glamour Magazine asked his wife Paula Patton if his his peen is as thick as his head:

GLAMOUR: You guys still seem very passionate. He did say in an interview that he turned you into a bad girl.

PAULA PATTON: He ruined me! Gosh, I hope I’m still a good girl and a bad girl at the same time. And I think that every girl should know the bad girl inside her—and that doesn’t make her bad, you know.

GLAMOUR: So in the “Blurred Lines” video, there’s that balloon message—“Robin Thicke has a big d-ck”…

PAULA PATTON: It’s cool, it’s funny, it’s awesome!

GLAMOUR: Yes, it’s definitely all of those things. But we have to ask: Is it accurate?

PAULA PATTON: Robin’s like, “Listen, if I’m, you know, in the Miami Heat’s locker room, I don’t know where I stand, but.…” But I think that the statement is fairly accurate!

So if he was in the Miami Heat locker room, size-wise, his dick would fall somewhere between a wordlock combination lock and a Sparkletts water jug. Okay. You know, I can’t believe I’m typing this and it hurts me as a shameless slut to type this, but I’m kind of sick of hearing about Robin Thicke’s gigantic peen. The words “Robin Thicke has a big dick” are meaningless without a Hi Res picture. It’s kind of like if you told me, “Michael, my kitten is so gorgeous,” without showing me a picture. For all I know, your kitten could be uglier than a pile of Crocs. So yeah, show it or shut it, Robin.

Robin Thicke’s dick is kind of like Miley’s tongue: I’m tired of it. Robin Thicke’s dick is also like Miley’s tongue, because if you want to lick it, you’d probably have to scrape layers of slimy ICK NAST off of it before doing so.

And Here’s Kanye West’s Yard-Long Sims Peen

This is what comes up when you type the cheat code “Illuminati” into The Sims 2 (not even The Sims 3, not even The Sims 4).

Kanye West probably thinks his CGI mess of a video for “Black Skinhead” is some HIGH ART forward shit, but to me it looks like an application video for the animation program at DeVry. This is like Second Life’s idea of purgatory. Force quit this shit. But I do love that Kanye made his Sims self so realistic-looking, because we all know that he’s covered in muscles and has a third leg dick (at the 2:55 mark) that’s about the size of his ego.

And I liked those moves so much more when the Going to the Store dude (?) did them.

via DDotOmen