QOTD: Alexis Arquette Claims She’s Done Jared Leto And Says His Dick Is Like Something Out Of “Gladiator”

During a quick Q&A with Jackie Beat for Frontiers (via WOW Report), my second favorite Arquette after Rosanna, of course, spilled a little secret. Alexis Arquette says that before she transitioned, her fuck parts spent a little time with Jared Leto’s fuck parts and his dick is so big, powerful and solid that it brought down her Roman Empire. Alexis used to have a (NSFW) dick so big that if she stuck it down your throat, she could guess what you had for breakfast by feeling around your stomach with her peen head. So Alexis Arquette knows big dick. Take it away, Alexis:

JB: Tell me a secret!

AA: I had sex with Jared Leto back when I was presenting as a male. And, yes, it’s not only massive; it’s like a Praetorian Guard’s helmet.

I don’t know if Alexis is speaking the truth or telling jokes, but now I’m picturing Jared Leto’s dick as being solid steel, painted gold, covered with the faces of Roman Gods and topped with a fuzzy mohawk. When he’s about to stick it in, he screams “At my signal, unleash HELL!” That sounds about right. March up into my pantheon, Jared Leto’s Praetorian Guard helmet dick.

There’s been so many rumors about Jared Leto’s dick being so big that it can easily eat the Hammaconda whole. Jared Leto’s dick needs to finally confirm the rumors by showing itself. What I mean by that is that Tom Hiddleston should wear it on his head at some point during the remake of Ben-Hur.

And here’s Jared Leto leaving The Bowery Hotel in NYC the other day while dressed like an abuelita who is obsessed with 90s grunge and the 6th Doctor Who.

Pics: Splash

Important Update: This Is Not Idris Elba’s Dick

The most important and relevant debate of our time went down yesterday when these pictures of Idris Elba shooting a movie were slapped on the Internet and some dick detectives said that he’s obviously got a dick that you can jump rope with if you’re ever bored on a Saturday afternoon and other dick detectives, like my ass, held up our magnifying glasses to his crotch (like I do most days) and declared that it’s probably just a mic cord or maybe he had one of those plastic toy snakes in his pocket. Idris put an end to the two foot long pencil dick debate on Twitter today. Idris might have a dick so long that if you deepthroat it the tip will stick out of your b-hole, but he says that thing in his pants yesterday was a mic wire.

Somewhere, the Hammaconda lifted its head, let out an “eh” and went back to napping off the family of warthogs it ate for breakfast.

So that’s that! Idris Elba might have a dick that’s so long you can play croquet with it, but it’s obviously shy and was tucked up between his ass cheeks while that mic cord got all the shine.

And yes, I still would. I’d even hit that mic cord.

(Thanks Katie) 

Okay, Does Anybody Believe That This Is Idris Elba’s Dick?

UPDATE: It’s a mic wire.

Finally, some news that really matters!

Gawker and TMZ posted these pictures of Idris Elba shooting a movie called “A Hundred Streets” in London today and they both fanned themselves and stuck a bottle of smelling salts in their nostrils over the bulge in his pants, which looks like a skinny baby’s arm (I do see an elbow) holding a magic wand. Idris Elba has the swagger of a dude whose got a dick so big that he can bust a cervix, but I don’t know. If it’s soft, then Idris Elba literally has a third leg dick and if you ever do a photo shoot with him, leave the tripod at home, because he’s always carrying one. If it’s soft, then it must have built-in suction cups and is clinging to his thigh, because it’s hanging so straight. It also kind of looks like his pool noodle dick and his crotch berries are not attached. That could be a mic cord in his pants or maybe he’s got an extra long tube of Mentos in his pocket.

Here’s a picture from the side and another picture where some of it disappears:

Because I’d like to think that I have a degree in bulge-watching from DEU (Dick Enthusiast University), I spent a giant piece (punned on purpose) of my day staring at Idris Elba’s crotch. I haven’t been this productive in days, weeks, months, years, decades!  It looks really long and skinny (the Taylor Swift of peens), so I’m going to say that it’s a mic cord or a crease or something. The only way we’ll really know for sure that Idris Elba has a garden hose dick is if it challenges The Hammaconda to a wrestling match. The Hammaconda has strength from the 3 baby goats it eats daily, but Idris Elba’s garden hose dick can wrap around it and strangle it until it turns blue and screams for its mommy.

And here’s more pictures for you dick detectives out there including pictures of Idris shooting a scene on a balcony with a shot gun. At least, I think that’s a shot gun, but it could be his dick.

Pics: Wenn.com, FameFlynet

It’s Monday, So Here’s Christopher Meloni’s Dog Staring At His Crotch Bulge

Back when HBO did the lord’s work by showing us actual dick on their shows, Christopher Meloni’s peen was practically the lead on Oz and it was rare for an episode to go by without our loved ones having to turn the hose on us and tase our heads after his dick popped up on screen and we pressed our tongues against it and refused to disengage. Most of us have had several servings of Meloni dick and we’ve even seen his remarkable anus lips. We’ve seen all of Meloni! You can probably draw every vein on his peen from memory and if you’re really moist for Meloni (shot out to commenter Moist For Meloni wherever you are) you probably see it every day since you stitched a picture of it on the inside of your panties. But still, a picture of Christopher Meloni’s zipper-busting plaid bulge is still an important event that we all need to be made aware of! Meloni tweeted a picture of his doggy friend looking at his bushel of Snausages bulge with biting eyes and he threw in this note:

I will stare at ur genitalia until u feed me…

Or that doggy’s thinking, “Where’s the peanut butter?” No, no, no. It’s always too early for bestiality.

But seriously,  there’s no better way to start your week than to start it by wishing you had the power to shapeshift into Christopher Meloni’s dog so you could stare at his sausage and potatoes until he fed you.

via NewNowNext

Liv Tyler Says Justin Theroux’s Bulge Is “Distracting”

File under “DUH” (and also under “FOR WHY didn’t the pap use a telephoto lens??”) (and also under “Thank god no one saw me touch my computer screen just now”). On Wednesday night, Liv Tyler admitted on Watch What Happens Live that she had a difficult time paying attention during Justin Theroux’s jogging scene in the pilot episode of The Leftovers because it looked like her co-star had rented out the crotch of his sweatpants to a family of fat squirrels:

“There was this scene where he was jogging. And there was quite a large bulge in his sweatpants, and it was all over. I get distracted when I watch the pilot, definitely. I’m like, ‘Can’t help but look there.’ But I’ve never noticed the bulge other times.”

Obviously the gold standard for lumpy bulges belongs to Jon Hamm and his incredible two oranges in a plastic shopping bag bulge, but Mr. Jennifer Aniston’s nut pile deserves at least a runner-up ribbon. And I think Liv Tyler might have just discovered a new way to draw in viewers. Just like how The Walking Dead has Talking Dead, The Leftovers could have a talk show called The Lowhangers, where Liv Tyler and guests discuss the bulges featured in the episode they just watched, as well as teasing clips of bulges from next week’s show. You want to know how I know it will be a success? I literally had 0 interest in The Leftovers until I heard the word “bulge”, and then all of a sudden I got the urge to delete old episodes of Mad Men off my computer to make room for an HD rip of the pilot episode. Bulges get viewers!

Pic: Splash

Here’s The Mullet-Wearing Dude Who Had His 10-Inch Peen Enlarged

Billy-Tom O’Connor’s dick situation was already Hammaconda-sized, but he wanted a monster peenzilla that would make jaws break and vaginas close up just by looking at it, so he went to a plastic surgeon and asked for a salchicha that can be seen from Google Earth. I know, a man with a gloriously exquisite mullet, two first names and a dick that can poke your bladder out when he sticks the tip in? That shivering sensation you’re feeling down below isn’t from your sex parts shaking over the thought of taking on Billy-Tom’s crotch monster, it’s the feeling of being in love with this adonis.

Billy Ray Cyrus’ Irish-Traveller cousin and his plastic surgeon were on the British talk show This Morning to talk about how he took his dick from a kielbasa to an entire Hillshire Farms factory. Billy-Tom’s plastic surgeon said that there’s two kinds of penoplasty surgeries. A dude can either make his dick longer or he can make it girthier. Since Billy-Tom’s peen is as naturally as long as a toddler’s (or Matthew McConaughey’s) arm, he went thicker. Billy-Tom’s plastic surgeon lipo’d out fat from other areas of his body and pumped it into his dick. Billy-Tom ended up with a loch ness monster of a peen that’s 10 inches long and 7 and a half inches wide. It’s as big as this can of hairspray.

Billy-Tom’s got one of those multi-purpose dicks. So many uses! If somebody breaks in, just get Billy-Tom hard and then whack that thief in the head. If you and your friends want to play an impromptu game of baseball and you don’t have a bat, just use Billy-Tom’s dick. If a mongoose is in your kitchen and refuses to leave, just flash Billy-Tom’s dick at it, and that Rikki-Tikki-Tavi motherfucker will mistake it for a cobra on CGH (cobra growth hormones) and run away.

Billy-Tom does a little porn, but that’s not the reason why he Super-Sized his dick. Billy-Tom did it for him. And he said that some ladies throw holy water at it and run to the nearest church, but most love it.

“On two occasions I have got to the point where they’ve seen it and they’ve refused me…they just point blank said they’re not willing to go any further with that. But most other girls absolutely loved it.”

He went on to say, “Yeah, most of them died from death by impalement, but they loved it while they were on it!”

And since British morning television is so much better than American morning television, This Morning showed a picture of Billy-Tom’s peen in a sleeping state before and after he plumped it up. Click here to get a serving of that. And yes, yes, I’d hit it, but it’d probably hit me first.

Here’s Billy-Tom on This Morning. I hope this TV appearance leads to a producer setting up a Pay-Per-View wrestling match between The Hammaconda and Billy-Tom’s monster, because I need that in my life.

via Metro UK