The Alien Lizard King Did Not Win A BAFTA Award Tonight

Now that he was expected to, but now I fully expect his kind to drop in on Earth from their home planet and terrorize London for snubbing their overlord. Thanks, BAFTAs voters, you just started the Reptilian vs. Human war.

Benedict Cumberbatch and his knocked up fiancee Sophie Hunter slithered on the red carpet on the BAFTAs tonight and I don’t think I’ve noticed this before, but have they always had the same shaped face? Did getting filed up with B. Cums’ alien lizard mating nectar morph her face into the same shape as his or have they both always looked like the come-to-life police sketch of an alien? Oscar voting ends in less than 10 days, so I’m highly disappointed that Sophie Hunter didn’t give birth to their spawn right there on the red carpet as a puppy they both rescued from a fire (for real and not Brian Williams-style) married them. Come on, B. Cums, time is running out and you better start churning out the STUNT QUEEN stunts. Or at least leak career-ruining stories to the media about how Michael Keaton once liked Iggy Azalea’s Facebook page and Eddie Redmyane actually paid to see and enjoyed Mortdecai.

Click here to see the full list of all the hos who won tonight, but if you don’t want to see the full list, here’s the nominees and winners of some of the main categories.

BEST FILM
Boyhood
Birdman
The Grand Budapest Hotel
The Imitation Game
The Theory of Everything

OUTSTANDING BRITISH FILM
The Theory of Everything
71
The Imitation Game
Paddington
Pride
Under the Skin

LEADING ACTOR
Eddie Redmayne, The Theory of Everything
Benedict Cumberbatch, The Imitation Game
Jake Gyllenhaal, Nightcrawler
Michael Keaton, Birdman
Ralph Fiennes, The Grand Budapest Hotel

LEADING ACTRESS
Julianne Moore, Still Alice
Amy Adams, Big Eyes
Felicity Jones, The Theory of Everything
Reese Witherspoon, Wild
Rosamund Pike, Gone Girl

DIRECTOR
Boyhood, Richard Linklater
Birdman, Alejandro G. Inarritu
The Grand Budapest Hotel, Wes Anderson
The Theory of Everything, James Marsh
Whiplash, Damien Chazelle

SUPPORTING ACTOR
J.K. Simmons, Whiplash
Edward Norton, Birdman
Ethan Hawke, Boyhood
Mark Ruffalo, Foxcatcher
Steve Carell, Foxcatcher

SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Patricia Arquette, Boyhood
Emma Stone, Birdman
Imelda Staunton, Pride
Keira Knightley, The Imitation Game
Rene Russo, Nightcrawler

Do we even need to bother with the Oscars at this point? I’d bet my beat down asshole on Julianne Moore, J.K. Simmons and Patricia Arquette getting trophies. Can’t they just skip all the speeches and handing out of awards and instead air a documentary on the life of Dick Poop?

Here’s more pictures from tonight including some of Michael Keaton, Keira Knightley and Laura Jeanne Poon. I kind of want the Bobbies to fuck with Laura Jeanne Poon after one of the BAFTA after-parties, because I’m wondering what she’d yell at police if she couldn’t yell, “I’M AN AMERICAN CITIZEN ON AMERICAN SOIL!”

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

The Ginger In Red……..

The BAFTAs happened in London tonight and they’re just like the Oscars except after the ceremony ends the losers are escorted to THE QUEEN’s dungeon where they’re turned into Corgi food.

All award season long (yes, I hate myself for typing that too), the ginger goddess of perfection that is Julianne Moore has mostly dressed like a kindergarten art teacher who fell onto the craft table after the kids made Valentines for their parents and tonight she finally brought the glamour. For once, people weren’t asking her, “Who are you wearing,” because they wanted to make sure to never buy shit from that designer. Julianne, who won Best Actress at the BAFTAs tonight, is giving me “torch song singer at a club where mobsters hold their meetings” glamour. I’m surprised that carpet didn’t turn a bright shade of green when it saw Julianne because it was jealous over her wearing the color red better than it.

I know, I’m not right for choosing a picture of Julianne looking like she’s trying not to wet heave, but it was the only picture where you could see a peek of her shoe (you’re welcome, Quentin Tarantino). She’s probably just gagging on her own glamour. The only way these pictures of Julianne would be hotter is if a naked Prince Hot Ginge was doing jumping jacks behind her.

I’m going to post more from the BAFTAs, but in the meantime here’s some pictures of others including Dianna Agron (I guess Britain is importing seat fillers from America now), the Bond Girls and Rosamund Pike.

Pics: Wenn.com

And The List Of Benedict Cumberbatch’s Award Nominations Just Keeps Growing

Look at that smug lizard – he’s practically visualizing his trophy case buckling under the weight of all those prospective awards. “Oh heavens, I don’t know if I could accept another! The shelves are already frightfully overburdened. Okay, maybe just an Oscar…”

Speaking of, it appears creepy otter man Benedict Cumberbatch is one step closer to an Oscar nomination. The fancy British half-brother of the Academy Awards, the BAFTAs, were announced today by the newly-engaged Stephen Fry and hot piece of haddock n’ chips Sam Claflin, and one of the first names to be called was that of Bluegrass Cobblepot himself for Leading Actor for The Imitation Game. Blunderson’s Imitation Game co-star Keira Knightley also got a nomination for Supporting Actress.

The list of BAFTA nominees is after the cut, and it sounds like the British still haven’t forgiven Rachel Green for ruining Emma Waltham’s wedding, because there was no Leading Actress nomination for Jennifer Aniston. NO! It’s because they never screened Cake across the pond.

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St. Angie Jolie Serves Up Some Off-Duty Chauffeur Shit At The BAFTAs

At the BAFTA Awards (or “The First And Only Annual American Hustle Appreciation Awards” as we should call it since that mess is winning everything) in London tonight, the crowd parted as the holiest couple since Mary and Joseph sashayed through in matching tuxedos.  Just like a power bottom’s b-hole after a busy weekend, I’m sort of torn about St. Angie Jolie’s look.

On one hand, I’m into it, because it gave me lukewarm shades of the greatest cinematic event of 1986 My Chauffeur and Shiloh probably styled her and at least she gave her fame whoring leg the night off. But on the other hand, she kind of looks like a malnourished and parched lemur lounge singer and the part of me that didn’t get My Chauffeur vibes got zombie Lady CaCa in Born This Way vibes and I never want to think about zombie Lady CaCa in Born This Way.

But on a more positive note, I am starting to sort of kind of like the bow-tie shaped grandma pube patch on Brad’s chin.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash