Chad Kroeger Wasn’t Invited To Avril Lavigne’s 30th Birthday Party

I feel like I should be forwarding this picture of Avril Lavigne’s Duncan Hines Dildo-looking cake to Michael K with the subject line: “Would you hit it?“. For real though, why does that cake look like it was made by Buddy Valastro at Doc Johnsons? Is it just me? It looks like a giant factory defected cupcake fuck toy called “Sweet ‘Splosions“, right? Maybe it’s just me (and no, I wouldn’t hit it, because those gumballs look like they might catch on something).

On Saturday, the Manic Panic Pixie Dream Goblin turned 30-years-old, thus officially making her too old for this shit. And to celebrate, UsWeekly says she had a big birthday party at the Bellagio in Las Vegas surrounded by friends and other perpetual Hot Topic-humping emo teens. Except there was one less vinegar-scented bottle of human douche at the table – Avril’s estranged cocker spaniel-looking husband Chad Kroeger was NOT invited. Sorry Nickelback, no Bellagio buffet for you!

It makes sense that she wouldn’t invite Chad to her birthday party. First of all, they were only married for 14 months. Second, Avril can’t mack on 34-year-old Dickies-wearing pop punk hedgehogs when her ex-husband keeps coming up to her asking if she wants a fresh Rye & Dry (CC and ginger ale). Third, nobody wants to hear that dumb dingleberry growl-sing “Huuurrrrpy buuuurthdurrr terrrr yerrrrrr….“

But what was Chad doing instead? I dunno, probably at Château Shame crying and looking at photographs.

Here’s more of Avril arriving at the Bellagio for her 30th birthday party, and for the first time in her life she’s dressed her age, which also happens to look exactly like Amy Adams auditioning for a Real Housewives biopic.

Pics: Instagram, Splash

Avril Lavigne And Chad Kroeger’s Marriage Is Dead Because She’s Convinced He’s Going To Cheat On Her

I don’t know if it’s the 3 slices of coconut cream pie I just ate or picturing Chad Kroeger rubbing his ramen noodle-pubed trouser worm on the greasy crotches of a bunch of random mouth-breathing Nickelback groupies, but I feel very very ill all of a sudden. You’re right, it’s definitely not the pie. It’s never the pie.

So it looks like we might finally have a reason for why the Manic Panic Pixie Dream Goblin and the come-to-life AXE-scented wallet chain called it quits on their douche-approved union. According to Radar, Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger have spent the last couple months of their 14-month marriage fighting like cats and dogs (or a busted Hello Kitty sticker and an inbred Cocker Spaniel) over several things:

1. Avril can’t trust Chad to keep it in his pants. Chad cheated on his ex-girlfriend with Avril, and now she’s afraid he’ll skip out on her after humping on another kohl-eyed Hot Topic troll

2. Avril has fetus fever (oh lord NO) but Chad doesn’t want a baby right now because he’s about to go on tour

3. Avril’s last album, Avril Lavigne, went triple bismuth (9 copies in Saskatoon) and she blames the album’s failure on Chad because he produced it

So basically, Avril and Chad are the low-budget Labatt Blue Spencer’s Gifts version of Tori and The Deaner. YES I SAID LOW BUDGET; Tori and The Deaner are the gold standard for messy dum-dum cheater marriages.

Personally I’m kind of surprised these are the straws that broke the moose’s back. Cheating and a baby? I was hoping Canada’s Royal Couple would bring the drama in a more Canadian way. Where’s the story about Avril selling all of Chad’s Corner Gas DVDs in a garage sale? Or Chad eating Avril’s Swiss Chalet left-overs from the fridge? You let me down, you two!

RIP The Meaning Of Everlasting Love: Canada’s Royal Couple Is Headed For Divorce

Pretty much every time two twats break up, I declare the death of love and say that Valentine’s Day should be canceled forever and we should all spend February 14th mourning the loss of true love by bawling into a giant plastic clear tub of Neapolitan ice cream (I know you buy that shit at Costco) while wearing a black veil. (That’s how I spend my Valentine’s Day anyway). But this time I really mean it. If a half-broken Canadian Go Girl who should be arrested for committing crimes against ears and a half-broken Canadian Go Girl who should be arrested for committing crimes against ears can’t make it work, who can? Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger are on the same level of awful. They are a match made in hell and they should be together forever. I don’t know what to believe in anymore.

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Chad Kroeger Got Avril Lavigne A Giant Tacky-Ass Ring For Their 1 Year Anniversary

One year ago, the definition of random was redefined when Nickelback’s douche-dipped growly chanteuse Chad Kroeger married the neon pink Hot Topic urchin princess Avril Lavigne. Most people assumed their wedding was either a mistake or an accident or a mistake, so to celebrate beating the odds and staying married for a full year, Chad got on his Kawasaki Ninja and zipped over to Russell Oliver, where he picked out the most obnoxiously tacky ring in honor of his obnoxiously tacky wife. And even though it’s not covered in hot pink splatter paint or safety pins or Hello Kitty Jack Skellingtons, it looks like she loved it. Avril Lavigne tweeted this picture of her snuggling up to her maple sugar daddy with the caption:

“I still can’t believe my 1 year anniversary gift. 17 carat emerald cut. Wow. I love my hubby.”

I don’t know where Chad bought that ring, but if I was Avril, I’d feel really guilty about keeping it and probably take it back; any diamond purchased with Nickelback money is a conflict diamond. Then again, I doubt anyone will confuse her ring for an actual diamond. First of all, it looks like something found in the sale bin at Claire’s along with One Direction hair scrunchies and glow-in-the-dark frog earrings. Secondly, do Avril and Chad even have the kind of money that can buy 17-carat diamond rings? If so, then why the hell does Chad still use knock-off Sun-In from the 99¢ Store to lighten his hair? Upgrade to the Clairol Frost & Tip already, you budget bitch!

And pawn shop owners everywhere should start studying this picture now, because you’ll definitely be seeing the ring in person when Avril’s next album goes triple pyrite (100 copies in Manitoba) and she tries to sell it.

Pic: Twitter

Avril Lavigne’s “Hello Kitty” Video Isn’t Racist Because She Has Like Japanese Fans Or Whatever LOLOLOL

If you went to the mall yesterday and did everything you could to avoid the Sanrio store, because you knew that even a hint of Hello Kitty would make your eardrums jump out of your ear holes and cause you to have a panic attack that no amount of Xanax could cure, then you probably tortured yourself by watching Avri Lavigne’s cupcake turd of a video for “Hello Kitty.” Any living thing with a sense of hearing and sight considered it an act of terrorism against humanity and some labeled it as racist. When Gwen Stefani was using Harajuku Girls as mute props, Margaret Cho called it a “minstrel show.” Many on Twitter said pretty much the same thing about Avril’s video and Billboard had a few words to say about that mess:

Hello Kitty” is the weakest song on Avril Lavigne’s fifth studio album, a grating earworm that squeezes Gwen Stefani’s Japan fetishization into an even more unseemly package. But in a lot of ways, its music video, which wormed its way onto YouTube on Tuesday (Apr. 22) and then was quickly taken down, is even a bigger train-wreck than the track itself. Click here to watch the gloriously ghastly video on Lavigne’s web site.

The majority of the “Hello Kitty” music video finds the Canadian pop princess parading around with four identical, creepily expressionless Asian women behind her, performing mind-numbingly generic dance moves, in locales like a bedroom, a candy store and a street. When she’s not commanding her vaguely offensive troop, Lavigne is clumsily playing guitar, wearing glasses, eating sushi, waving at admirers, taking a single photograph, and… not much else, really.

Avril went on Twitter and totally shut up the haters with an intelligent and thought-provoking rebuttal. If Avril was on a 7th grade debate team and the argument was, “Is Avril Lavigne’s new video racist?“, she’d totally win for her team and win over the judges with an LOLOLOLOL.

RACIST??? LOLOLOL!!! I love Japanese culture and I spend half of my time in Japan. I flew to Tokyo to shoot this video…

— Avril Lavigne (@AvrilLavigne) April 24, 2014

…specifically for my Japanese fans, WITH my Japanese label, Japanese choreographers AND a Japanese director IN Japan.

— Avril Lavigne (@AvrilLavigne) April 24, 2014

I mean, Avril typed “Japanese” like a million times, so she’s totally not racist and stuff.

Some are saying that Avril’s video IS racist, others are saying that it’s just stupid (um, don’t the two go hand-in-hand?), but let’s not argue about that. Let’s just agree that the video is offensive to EVERYBODY and Avril needs to pay for her crimes by spending the rest of her life in a windowless, doorless cell far, far away from humanity. Too harsh? Okay, Chad Kroeger can be her cellmate. They can keep each other company.

Torture For Your Ears And Eyes: Avril Lavigne’s Music Video For “Hello Kitty”

If 2004 Gwen Stefani swallowed a neon green bucket full of Ke$hit’s juicy queefs and swallowed it down with Skrillex’s wet burps and a candy necklace that Keroppi used as anal beads, she’d get the serious heaves and then barf out this video for Avril Lavigne’s ear-killing song “Hello Kitty.”

I was going to say that Avril is pretty much 30 going on 13, but two of my cousins are 13 and they’d rather be seen at the movies with their parents on a Saturday night than be seen in a goddamn pink ruffled skirt with cupcakes on it. This Hello Kitty butt dingle of a video is such a horrific abomination that Canada needs to immediately issue an apology to Japan.

The song is the perfect thing to listen to when you want the answer to the question, “Can ears actually bleed blood?”, (SPOILER ALERT: Listening to this wreck will prove that the answer is YES) and of course Chad Kroeger is a co-writer on it. Only the 12-year-old mind of Avril Lavigne and the Monster Energy Drink-infused brain of Chad Kroeger could come up with these poignant lyrics:

Mom’s not home tonight
So we can roll around, have a pillow fight
Like a major rager OMFG

Let’s all slumber party
Like a fat kid on a pack of Smarties
Someone chuck a cupcake at me

Avril Lavigne is practically 30 and she’s spitting out lyrics that a 12-year-old one consider too immature. Chad Kroeger is married to her. Chris Hansen needs to ask both of them to have a seat.

And here’s 2 things I would rather do than listen to that song again:

1. Listen to a Nickelback song (it’s that serious).

2. Shove a lighter wand in my ear and pull the trigger.