Avril Lavigne Is The Only Person On Earth Who Will Defend Nickelback

Here we are. Saturday the 14th of May, 2016. It’s pleasant out at the moment, but I get the feeling it’s going to rain. It’s been muggy, sticky, so rain will do some good. Cool down the pavement. Give everyone a little splash of relief. It’s funny. You see all the people outside and it’s as if they don’t know. as if they weren’t aware of it being the most important day of the year… EUROVISION! Which is why it pains me to sully this day by speaking of people who could probably never make it into the semi-finals, let alone win – Avril Lavigne and Nickelback.

Avril, as Billboard explains, is not a happy camper at the moment. MSNBC took a poll to see what people preferred over Donald Trump, and while Nickelback is one of the most hated bands in the world, people chose them over Donald. Good for them! E! ran a story on this incredibly important and informative poll and Avril is not having it. She and Nickelback frontman, Chad Kroeger split last year, but have been seen together recently, so you can all calm down. I know how worried you’ve been about Canada’s royal couple. Avril, being the polite Canadian she is – despite her bedroom door being covered in signs that say things like “PARENTS SUCK” – jumped on Twitter to slap at those hateful hos at E!

Hey @ENews and everyone writing these articles…. grow up. https://t.co/KShskEcIFM this is extremely rude and uncalled for

— Avril Lavigne (@AvrilLavigne) May 12, 2016

17 #1 HIT SINGLES!!!! What an epic accomplishment!!!! @Nickelback is adored by millions worldwide !!! I’ve seen their sold out shows!!!

— Avril Lavigne (@AvrilLavigne) May 12, 2016

Enough is enough!!! You can’t live a positive life with a negative mind. #SpreadMoreLoveThanHate

— Avril Lavigne (@AvrilLavigne) May 12, 2016

“@enews: Proof something exists that people hate even more than Nickelback: https://t.co/KShskEcIFMpic.twitter.com/UmPa1bv5A0”NOT COOL

— Avril Lavigne (@AvrilLavigne) May 12, 2016

That’s right, E! Grow up! Just like Avril’s fans did!… who then realised what they had been listening to, scrunched up their faces and felt deeply embarrassed about the school dance they went to wearing a tie with a tank top. And thanks to her, I’m now familiar with Nickelback’s sales numbers. I knew that despite being the butt of a lot jokes they were big, but I didn’t realise they were that big. I guess a lot of people have kind of trashy cousins who still wear JNCO’s and have frosted tips. Ugh. That side of the family sucks. 

Pic: Wenn

The Royal Couple Of Canada Has Broken Up For Real

If scientists in California can find a way to turn maple syrup into drinkable water, the drought will be over forever. Because I fully expect Canada to cry out billions of gallons of maple syrup tears over their answer to Duchess Kate and Prince William breaking up for real. And those maple syrup tears will eventually trickle down to California. I better start making some pancakes.

Almost exactly a year ago, cherubs quit their jobs and joined Linked In, because there was a rumor that Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s unholy union was permanently broken thanks to him sticking his Canadian sausage into groupie skanks. If Avril and Chad’s love can’t last forever, then love is a lie and there’s no use for cherubs. Thankfully, the meaning of love was restored when the Sun-In bottle full of used douche water denied that he had split from Avril. But well, that happiness didn’t last long. Today, the cherubs have dropped their arrows and are looking for new jobs, because Avril announced on Instagram that she and her hairy butt chin-having husband are fucking done personally and professionally. She said see you later, boi.

It is with heavy heart that Chad and I announce our separation today. Through not only the marriage, but the music as well, we’ve created many unforgettable moments. We are still, and forever will be, the best of friends, and will always care deeply for each other. To all our family, friends and fans, thank you sincerely for the support.

All together now: NOOOOOOOOOO, eh.

Not only did they announce that they’re 2-year marriage is done, but they announced that they’re done making music together too. They just had to stab us in the chest and then piss on the wound.

It is a sad day for love. It is a sad day for music. It is a sad day for Canada. Canada no longer has a royal couple. Canada, I think I speak for all Americans when I say that we’ll be happy to lend you our royal couple, Kanye West and Kim Kartrashian, until your broken hearts fully heal. (May your broken hearts never heal.)

Pic: Wenn.com

I Guess This Means Avril Lavigne Is No Longer On Taylor Swift’s Shit List

A photo posted by Avril Lavigne (@avrillavigne) on Aug 29, 2015 at 11:17pm PDT

Last week, the over-pulled piece of saltwater taffy that is Taylor Swift sort of got into a Tumblr fight with Hot Topic’s unofficial mascot Avril Lavigne. Taylor liked a Tumblr post comparing pictures of her hugging on her fans and making her signature “OMGI’mhavingsomuchfun!!!” open-mouthed face with several other famous types (including Avril) looking like they’d rather be getting dry burlap enema than doing a meet-and-greet with their fans. Then Avril hissed about it on Twitter. Then the Robert to Taylor’s Stacey McGill, Calvin Harris, jumped in and hissed at the Daily Mail for posting a photoshopped tweet that made it look like he had gotten involved. Basically = high school drama.

Well, it appears Taylor and Avril have kissed and made up (or at least their PR people told them to for the sake of publicity), because Avril was Tay Tay’s latest “Please welcome to the stage…” surprise guest at her show in San Diego last night. Avril and Tay Tay sang “Complicated” together, because of course they did. Taylor also does a little head banging around the 1:56 mark, because “Complicated” is clearly the most hardcore punk rock song she’s ever heard.

And today’s source of life is at the 2:00 mark, when Tay Tay reaches out to hold Avril’s hand and gets NOTHING. Excuse me while I HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH myself into a lung concussion. You know Taylor cornered her backstage and was like “I’m sorry, did you forget that part of your job as one of Taylor’s Super Special Stage Friends is that you’re supposed to kiss my ass? RUDE.”

You know, this is one of the times I’m glad time travel hasn’t been invented. Imagine if you went back in time to 2002 and showed tie-wearing badass mall punk teen Avril Lavigne that one say she’d be doing a duet with the snobby ballerina from “Sk8er Boi.” It would be like the ending of A Christmas Carol. “No…no, this can’t be real. Please, turn it off, it’s too embarrassing.”

That Mysterious Illness Avril Lavigne Had Was Lyme Disease

Avril Lavigne, who looks like a third-rate Amy Adams impersonator in a Coldwater Creek ad on the cover,  recently spoke to People about the mysterious illness that made her go MIA for the past couple of months. At the time, Avril never said what she was sick with, so naturally I assumed it was an allergy to some cheap black eyeliner. In reality, it was much worse: Avril Lavigne had contracted a serious case of Lyme disease.

According to Avril, it all started back in October during a trip to Las Vegas for her 30th birthday. Avril says while her friends were hanging out at the pool, she was hanging out in her bedroom feeling all kinds of sick. When she got home, she still felt like shit, so she went to the doctor and that’s when she was diagnosed with Lyme disease. Cut to Chad Kroeger breathing a huge sigh of relief that his wife’s illness wasn’t the result of listening to “She Keeps Me Up“.

After taking a bunch of time off to recover at home in Ontario with her mom, Avril says she’s “80 percent better” and that “This was a wake-up call. I really just want to enjoy life from here on out.” I just pictured Avril Lavigne diving into a swimming pool shaped like Hello Kitty that’s been filled with 30,000 gallons of hot pink Manic Panic.

The only thing I know about Lyme disease* is that Yolanda Foster and Miss Hoover had it, and that you get it from a tick bite. And since I have a major phobia of bitey things, Avril has all my sympathy. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to dump an entire bottle of bleach on my brain in an attempt to cure the severe case of the willies I got from looking up ‘What are spirochetes‘ immediately after ‘What are morgellons‘.

*Note from Michael: As most of you know, Allison is from Canada where The Real Word: Seattle never aired, so she does not know about important Lyme disease education advocate Irene McGee. And since whenever you think about Irene from The Real World: Seattle, you think about that “Irene! Irene!” slap down moment, here’s that clip.

Avril Lavigne Is Sick With Some Kind Of Mysterious Illness

Let’s get the obvious joke out of the way: “Did she accidentally listen to one of her husband’s albums?”

If you happen to visit a Hot Topic store sometime in the next few weeks and wonder why there doesn’t seem to be anybody working, it’s because all the employees are back in the break room holding a candlelight vigil for their queen, Avril Lavigne. According to Billboard, the Manic Panic pixie dream goblin is sick with an unspecified illness and is asking fans to pray for her.

It all started when a fan messaged Avril on Twitter asking why she was MIA and if she was working on a new album. Avril responded by saying that she’s not feeling well and is having some health issues, adding “please keep me in your prayers“. That’s when the hashtag #prayforavril was born on Twitter.

Avril won’t say exactly what’s going on, but her rep reached out to Billboard to confirm that she is having health issues, but stresses that she’s absolutely not knocked up with a noodle-haired Nickelbaby.

I’m no doctor, but I think I know what’s going on here. Avril Lavigne just turned 30, so her mysterious illness could be an allergic reaction to still dressing like a 14-year-old girl. Every time she pulls on her favorite pair of hot pink and black Hello Kitty leggings or a ripped up off-the-shoulder sweatshirt that says KAWAII CUPCAKE PUNK PRINCESS, her body is like “No no NO! You are too old for this scene-teen skate park mall rat shit!” and breaks out into an itchy rash that stays on her body until she puts on something that wasn’t bought in the Juniors section and/or came with a coupon for a free pack of purple clip-in hair extensions.

But if that’s not the diagnosis, then I hope whatever Avril is dealing with is over soon. Canada needs their first lady back!

Pic: Avril Lavigne

Chad Kroeger Says Those Rumors That He And Avril Lavigne Are Getting Divorced Are Just Rumors

Even though there have been rumors that Canada’s Royal Couple Chad Kroeger and Avril Lavigne are headed for Splitsville (I think it’s located just outside of Saskatoon, FYI), paired with the whispers that Avril is terrified that Chad is sticking his derpy poodle dick into dozens of Nickelback groupies, AND the fact that he was nowhere to be seen at her 13th 30th birthday party, Chad Kroeger says you can go ahead and snuff out the candles in your Chavril 4 Evir prayer vigil, because there’s nothing to be worried about. It’s all just rumors!
When asked if his marriage to the Manic Panic Pixie Dream Goblin was up shit creek (which runs through Splitsville, FYI), The Human Wallet Chain told ET Canada that he and Avril are famous-types, so naturally gossipy assholes are going to run their mouths about their lives:

“You know my dad calls me up and he’s just like, ‘I haven’t slept in 2 days, what’s going on?’ I’m like, ‘Dad you’re not buying all this crap are you?’ You know, I get to hear all the rumor mill stuff. I find it very amusing. When you get out of high school, and it’s like ugh, okay. All that rumor crap. All that stuff that people say behind each others backs is minuscule, pales in comparison to the world of celebrity or being married to a celebrity. That’s high school multiplied exponentially. It’s ridiculous. How many times has Jennifer Aniston been pregnant this year? A dozen? Let’s start a new rumor. I’m pregnant.”

Nice try Chad, but there’s already a rumor about a ramen noodle-haired baby.

SO MANY WORDS! Chad, just admit that the Hot Pink Hot Topic Goth Princess of Napanee left your ass for a newer bleach-dipped kewl dude and move on! There’s plenty of perpetual 13-year-old pop punk mall rats in the sea! Speaking of so many words, a round of applause for the person who transcribed that statement. I know that Unintelligible Nickelback Growl is incredibly difficult to translate into English.