Pamela Anderson Thought She Looked Like The Silver Fox After Cutting Her Hair

On the left is what shot out of Brigitte Nielsen’s vagine nine months after she had unprotected, sloppy, casual fuck times with a cracked out, deranged raccoon behind some park bushes. On the right is what you see when you look at a drop of nectar from a unicorn’s nipple under a microscope. If you think these two look alike, your name is Pamela Anderson or you’re suffering from severe head trauma because an anvil just fell on you. If it’s the former, stop. If it’s the latter, stop reading this and immediately seek emergency medical attention.

Pamela Anderson chopped off her weave and hair a few months ago and yes, she looks good, but she has obviously gone crazy. Because she tells Elle that when she first saw herself in the mirror she thought she looked like Anderson Cooper. This. Bitch. Is. For. Real.

“At first I thought I looked like Anderson Cooper or like a Q-tip or something. But now I feel really powerful. I have a friend who is an awesome, studly man, and he goes, ‘You know, some women cut their hair and it makes them look even more masculine, but you look even more feminine.’ I thought it would be weird having sex with short hair but then I kind of got into the mode.”

Is she talking about Anderson Cooper as in The Silver Fox? Or is she talking about a different Anderson Cooper? Maybe she knows an Anderson Cooper who’s the child of Brigitte Nielsen and a cracked out, deranged raccoon? If she looked in the mirror and really thought she was Anderson Cooper, we would know about it. Because she’d be so horny for herself that she’d suction her cooch to the mirror and the fire department would have to use the jaws of life to pry her off. TMZ would’ve had a live feed of that.

QOTD: The Silver Fox Came Out To Get More Dates

July 2nd is an extra special gay holiday for two reasons. It’s the day we celebrate the birth of the Crystal Enchantress of the Ice Johnny Weir. July 2nd is also International Anderson Cooper Coming Out Day and we celebrate it by taking off of work to watch a GIF of the Silver Fox giggling on a loop. Last night at the University of Texas at Arlington, Anderson Cooper joked that we owe International Anderson Cooper Coming Out Day to his need for more dates.

While speaking in front of an audience of 6,000 at UT Arlington, the Silver Fox talked about coming out and said that he never hid his love of peen from family, friends and co-workers and only publicly came out so more dudes would hit on him. Is there any other reason to publicly come out? via the Star-Telegram:

Cooper said he didn’t hide his sexual orientation from his family and coworkers. “Being born gay is one of the great blessings of my life,” he said.

He joked that he came out when he decided he wanted to get asked out on more dates. Still, he said, there are some “very determined young ladies.”

Determined young ladies are still trying to get on his ass? Yeah, I know who he’s talking about. Selena Gomez, come get Taylor Swift and tell that shameless beard to stop hitting on Anderson! Some beards can’t stop and won’t stop. Clay Aiken better get some beard-repellant, because Taylor’s probably going to hit on him next.

But seriously, Anderson Cooper ain’t shit for saying he wanted more dates. That is obviously a lie. Do you know how many times I’ve stuffed the CNN tip line with date invites for him and how many times I’ve stood outside of his and his boyfriend’s firehouse with my cheeks spread while screaming, “Come and get it!” All I’ve gotten in return is a restraining order and a one-way ticket out of NYC. What am I? Chopped liver? Actually, “chopped liver” is exactly what my doctor calls my down-low parts.

Anderson Cooper Is Sharting In His Chonies Out Of Excitement

Madonna…. A bunch of hot, topless Latin pieces… Throw in a pissing Gérard Depardieu and Anderson Cooper would’ve exploded into a cloud of giggles and silver panty pudding.

Madge and photographer Steve Klein’s 17-minute-long short film called “secretprojectrevoluation” was screened on buildings in cities around the world (how very Kanye of her) last night and in NYC she performed for a crowd of her worshippers including the Silver Fox, Lindsay Lohan, Zachary Quinto, the Chris Brown to her RiRi Sean Penn and Mark Consuelos.

Lady CaCa is saving gay people, Kanye is saving us all with leather jogging pants and Madge is liberating the people’s creative freedom. The secretprojectrevolution thing is part of Art For Freedom, which is described like this:

Art ForFreedom encourages the world to express their personal meaning of freedom and revolution in the form of video, music, poetry, and photography. Join the revolution by uploading original artwork to ArtForFreedom.com or tagging original posts #artforfreedom.

Translation: pretentiousnesspretentiousnesspretentiousnesspretentiousnesspretentiousness

No, I’m taking this Art For Freedom shit to mean that Madge hopes that in the future, we’ll be able to see some dick on basic cable without a black bar over it. I’m all for it! Here’s the 17-minute-long W Magazine photo shoot called secretprojectrevoluation:

During last night’s party in NYC, Madge cracked the hardened Botox in her face by singing Elliott Smith’s “Between the Bars.”

And here’s pictures from last night’s party. Two things: LiLo and Madge’s face were harvested from the same Botox field and Rocco is grown now. Seeing a grown Rocco is like seeing a white hair in my ear hole.

Pics: Splash

And For His Grand Finale, Stefon Almost Got Married To The Silver Fox

Last night’s season finale of Saturday Night Live was filled with a bunch of Bye, Bitch! moments. Fred Armisen said farewell with a song. My eyeballs said farewell to my sockets when they rolled out of there while watching Kanye perform. Bill Hader said goodbye by almost crying at the end. And Stefon went out with an (almost) marital bang from The Silver Fox.

Because Stefon just couldn’t wait around for Seth Meyers to stop ignoring their love, he left Weekend Update to marry Anderson Cooper in front of dozens of club kids. If they’re ever going to make a remake of The Graduate, Stefon, the Silver Fox and Seth Meyers should star in it.

Yes, it’s true that Seth and Stefon belong together, but who in the hell leaves Anderson Cooper at the altar? Isn’t that against the law? I’d sell my entire family to the Russian mafia to get the Silver Fox to wink at me (with his brown eye, of course) and Stefon runs out on his ass without even thinking about it? But I guess, such is the mystery of Stefan.

And since NBC is still prejudiced against non-US countries, I don’t think you can watch the skit above if your IP isn’t an American citizen. But the only thing you need to know is that Stefon doesn’t kiss Seth and he doesn’t kiss the Silver Fox. I know, they should do the skit over again, but with more tongue this time.

American Hero Charles Ramsey Talks To America’s Sweetheart Anderson Cooper

The Silver Fox is in Cleveland right now to cover the horrifying case of three (and possibly four or more) women who were kidnapped and help captive in a basement for a decade, and yesterday he talked to America’s new favorite storyteller and the women’s rescuer: Charles Ramsey.

Charles basically told Anderson Cooper the same thing he told other reporters. He never saw Amanda Berry before he rescued her and he never knew that the neighbors he had ribs with and listened to salsa music with was a fucked up psychopath. Charles, who is new to the neighborhood, says that at first he thought Amanda Berry was part of a domestic dispute, but he quickly realized that something in the milk was fucked up and he had to help her. Charles also said that the 911 operator acted like a moron (I co-sign) and he waved away all talk of getting a reward. Charles pulled out his paycheck stub and told his new bro, Anderson Cooper, that he’s got a job and any reward money should go to the victims.

Okay, who’s going to start a Kickstarter to get science to clone Charles Ramsey? There’s more than 10 members of the Kartrashian Klan, so we have to clone fast. And we have to keep cloning until we’re living in a world where there’s more Ramseys than Kartrashians.

When the Silver Fox asked Charles Ramsey if he feels like a hero, he said:

“No, no, no. Bro, I’m a Christian, an American, and just like you. We bleed same blood, put our pants on the same way. It’s just that you got to put that – being a coward, and I don’t want to get in nobody’s business. You got to put that away for a minute.”

Charles has gotten two things wrong: Yes, he’s a hero and no, he doesn’t bleed the same blood as the Silver Fox. If Charles said that to you or me, he’d be right. But Anderson Cooper bleeds liquefied silver rainbows and he doesn’t even put his own pants on. When he pulls himself out of his bed of clouds in the morning, tiny elves on scaffolding build a pair of pants made of diamond fabric right onto his legs. But other than that, Charles Ramsey speaks the real truth.

via Towleroad

NBC Wants To Replace Matt Lauer With Anderson Cooper On Today

Matt Lauer’s Today show contract with NBC doesn’t end until 2014, but the head bitches at the network want him to pack up all his shit and get out as soon as possible since everybody wants to repeatedly punch their TV when his face comes on the screen. NBC has apparently talked to Matt Lauer about leaving the show early and they’ve had talks with possible replacements including The Silver Fox (seen above as The Light Brown Slightly New Wave-ish Fox).

Deadline said last night that NBC had a meeting with Anderson Cooper about getting up at the walk of shame hour (aka like 3am) to co-host Today and he was into it. NBC wants The Silver Fox to replace Matt Lauer by the end of the year. When the executives at NBC asked Matt what he thought about the Silver Fox replacing him, he pretty much took three shits on that idea and then he personally called Anderson Cooper and took another three shits on that idea. Deadline’s source said that Anderson was sort of shocked by Matt whining about how he doesn’t want him to take the job, because he thought Matt was in on the replacement discussions from the start. But….

TMZ is hearing some different crap. They’re hearing that Matt never called Anderson and that Matt is actually into the idea of Anderson replacing his smug ass. Matt even wants to talk to Anderson face-to-face about the job.

The good news is that I lost about 0.0004 pounds from all the eye rolling calisthenics I did while reading that story at TMZ. I totally believe that Matt farted all over The Silver Fox’s parade and I totally believe that Matt Liar called TMZ and told them he didn’t.

Nobody wants Matt Lauer, but apparently everybody wants Anderson Cooper. Not only is NBC trying to get a piece of his ass, but he also shot a pilot with Kathy Griffin for CNN.

I am totally into Anderson Cooper replacing Matt Lauer and I am totally into his CNN show with Kathy Griffin, but only if they replace Decatur Guthrie (or whatever her name is) with Grumpy Cat and replace Kathy Griffin with….Grumpy Cat. What I’m saying is that The Silver Fox and Grumpy Cat should be cloned so they can host everything together.